Copper : Yes M'lud, I do remember the day well

Pros : And what day was that then?

Copper : The day of the crime

Pros : Oh yes, I forgot.

Copper : I was proceeding down North South Street

Pros : You mean you were walking

Copper : Yes?

Pros : In what way?

Copper : One foot infront of the other

Pros : Is that usual?

Copper : Yes M'lud if you want to move.

Pros : I'm sorry, proceed.

Copper : As I had said, I was walking down the street when

Judge : (singing quietly) I'm forever blowing Bubbles

Copper : M'lud, if you'd be so kind as to shut

yer gob!

Judge : What, what, what. Who are you?. What day

is it?. Oh, sorry! Go on with the trial.

Copper : When I came upon this spotty little twerp looking

at me.

Judge : You mean you arrested this twit for looking at you?

Copper : Yes but he was looking at me very suspiciously

Pros : Suspicious? As in what?

Copper : He was looking at me through a sight.

Pros : A sight?

Copper : Yes. A very dangerous sight.

Pros : A dangerous sight? In what way?

Copper : Yes M'lud, it had a rocket launcher attached to it!

Judge : Oh well, council for the defence?

Defence : (snotty) What dya want?

Judge : You to start.

Defence : In that case, call the first witness

Caller : Call 1st Witness.

GRAMS : Any type of game show/idiot music

Caller : And the first witness is Mr Dan Eccles of East

Cheam, London. And what prize are you going for

tonight Mr Eccles?

Eccles : The rice pudding string in brown gravy!

F.X. : Manic cheers

F.X. : Hushed

Defence : Mr Eccles, for the first part of the question,

can you tell me if you know the accused?

Eccles : Yeah I know him!

Defence : And that's the correct answer!

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed

Defence : Now the second part of the question.Where was

he when the incident happened?

Eccles : Owwwww!. The hard ones second eh?. 'Ee was with me!

Defence : CORRECT!

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed

Defence : And for the rice pudding string in brown gravy,

where were you?

Eccles : With Bottle.

Defence : And thats the (pause) CORRECT ANSWER.

F.X. : Manic cheers through out defence & Eccles next bit.

Defence : Mr Dan Eccles, well done, here is your rice

pudding string in brown gravy, but do you want

to go on the greedy bastard prize?

Eccles : Fine, fine, fine. Yup!.

F.X. : Even more loony cheers, hushes after a bit.

Defence : Now for the greedy bastard prize, Dan Eccles,

can you explain the function of the cigarette

lighter hole in the Citroen 2CV?

F.X. : Clock ticking (10 secs)

Defence : Twenty seconds left...

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs)

Defence: I'll repeat the question, can you explain the

function of the cigarette lighter hole in the

Citroen 2CV?

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs)

F.X. : Buzz. Ping.

M.C. : Council for the Prosecution?

Prosecution : There isn't one, it's easier to put the fag

through the hole going to the engine and light

it on the wick.

Defence : And that is the CORRECT answer

F.X. : Manic Cheers, dies down.

GRAMS : Game show music plays out.

Judge : Has anyone seen my teeth?

Defence : M'lud, could I ask the policeman a question?

Judge : Mmmmffffllll - weresh me teef?

Defence : Mr Policeman. Could you tell me what you were

doing in North South Street when you should

have been walking in a West direction up Down

Street towards Eastway North on the Junction

with Towards Backwards Southdown?

Copper : Yes, I was walking on my beat

Defence : And your beat being?

Copper : Sort of clump clump clump

Defence : Only sort of?

Copper : Well it's a bit hard to do it in this box!

Finbar : Oooerr, snarf snarf yik.

F.X. : Clout. Ambulance coming. Running in. Running out. Ambulance leaving.

Defence : Well try to.

F.X. : Walking about a bit.

Defence : I see.

Eccles : That's funny, so do I!

F.X. : Clout

Eccles : Ouch. Stop hitting me on the bonce!

Defence : You still haven't answered my question.

Judge : And niffer haf you. Weresh me teef gone?

Defence : Leaving your teeth to one side M'lud

Judge : But you cant leef them ashide iff you hafnt

gottem!

Defence : Quite.

Judge : So where are they?

Defence : Try in your mouth.

Judge : Hmmf, errr, hmm, so they are!. Carry on.

Defence : Thank you M'lud.

Judge : Oh come on Fred, blow this M'lud stuff, lets

just be formal!

Defence : So what should I call you?

Judge : I think M' should be fine.

Prosecution : I think he's gone!!

Judge : (excited) I heard that, I heard that, I heard

that. (quiet) Oh bugger, I've just wet me

nappy. (screams) MUTHA!

Caller : Call for Mutha

Mutha : What's wrong now?

Caller : M' called for you.

Mutha : M'lud?. Oh you mean Shirley!.

F.X. : Heavy jogging in.

Mutha : Shirley, what's the matter?

Judge : I've wet my nappy. Waaaaaa!

Mutha : There there there. Mutha will change it for

you.

Judge : Go on then!

Mutha : I can't, not with them all looking.

Judge : In that case, time for a commercial.

GRAMS : "END OF PART 1" type jingle

Commercial : Buying a new car, but can't get the money.

Man : Yeah.

Commercial : Then come to Instant Finance PLC Ltd.And for a

meagre 47.3% APR we will lend you up to three

thousand pounds subject to clearance. And that

means it doesn't matter who you are. Now what

is your name?

Man : Norman Lamont. Chancellor of the Exchecor.

Commercial : Oh bum. Sorry matey, no can do!

Man : That's what they all say, but little do they

know, I am really

F.X. : Explosion

Man : John Smith!

Commercial : In that case, no chance!

John : Damn!

F.X. : Trudging away.

GRAMS : "PART 2" type jingle

F.X. : Walking out

Judge : That's better. Now where were we?

Defence : Right here I think M'

Judge : So we were!. There's no flies on THIS man!

Defence : Thank you M'. Now back to my question for Mr

Police Man. Namely, why weren't you on your

beat.

Copper : The record had stopped

Defence : Which record?

Copper : The one which makes the sound of me walking.

Defence : I see. So how did you come to be spied upon

with the sight attached to the rocket launcher

in the first place?

Copper : Well at first it was the fact that the small

spotty twit accused hurled a ball at my helmet.

Defence : And why did he do that?

Copper : To "see if there was a coconut under the teecosy"

where his exact words. To "see if there was a

coconut under the teecosy" was his exact words

Defence : His exact words?

Copper : Yes.

Defence : No erms, eeks or similar wordloss or time

filling in words?

Copper : No.

Defence : He didn't even say Nyee Hee?

Copper : No sir, he did not.

Defence : In that case I can only summise that you have

been speaking with your mouth open again and

put it to you that you are telling a bit of a

whopper to the court.

Copper : Are you calling me a liar?

Defence : In a word, yes.

Copper : In that case, I shall have no option but to sit

in this corner and sulk for the next half hour.

Judge : No you shan't you silly billy and if you do

then I shall be forced to give you some Cod

Liver Oil!!!. Now will the Prosecution please

approach the bench.

F.X. : Chair scrapes, walking - getting louder. Stops. (Quiet Fart? - "JUDGE - Oh excuse me!"?)

Pros : M'

Judge : M'lud to you peasant!

Pros : Sorry M'lud.

Judge : Do you wish to carry on with this trial?

Pros : Yes M'lud

Judge : And why?

Pros : 'Cos he pushed me in a puddle - the bully!

Judge : By he, you refer to the Defence?

Pros : Yes M'lud

Judge : Well then you'll have to say Defence as you

can't see who you are talking about on this!

Pros : Sorry M'lud.

Judge : Okay then, sod off.

F.X. : Walking away. Chair Scrapes, chair groans (wood).

Defence : No further questions M'.

Judge : No further questions?

Defence : Yes.

Judge : Is that 'yes' you have no further questions or

'yes' you have further questions?

Defence : Yes I have no further questions.

Judge : Yippee! Council for the Prosecution, your go.

(Quieter) Now where is that blasted Mr Squeaks?

F.X. : Squeak

Judge : (giggles) You naughty Mr Squeaks. Noodles gonna

have to niddle you!

Pros : (aside) Gone. Gone. The man has gone!

F.X. : 3 Squeaks, chuckles

Pros : Mr Police Man. I put it to you that you're a

Policeman of the force.

Copper : Not talking to you!

Pros : Now come on, you can tell me, I'm your friend

Copper : Sure?

Pros : Sure. Now are you a policeman of the force?

Copper : Yes sir.

Pros : And that you are also a human from the planet

Earth.

Copper : No.

Pros : I'm sorry

Copper : (Static) I am not a human.

F.X. : Screams

GRAMS : "War of the Worlds" intro

F.X. : Squeaks

Judge : Are you telling me that you are an alien?

Copper : (Strange voice) Yes

Judge : Then all of your evidence must be considered

bollocks and therefore should be taken as

truth.

Copper : That's a bit strange!

Judge : True, but it's how its done in Britain.

Pros : So Mr Alien Copper. Where do you come from?

GRAMS : (Backround) Dr Who Music (throughout)

F.X. : Tardis arriving

Dr Who : Polgreen - my arch enemy. Come on, your going

home laddy.

Copper : No I'm not.

Dr Who : Either come quietly or I'll put an Arcturan

mega spider down your trousers!

Copper : Okay, I'm coming

F.X. : Slimey steps walking out. Door shuts

F.X. : Tardis leaving.

GRAMS : Dr Who Music (fade)

Judge : Now can we get back to some sort of sanity

Pros : Not with you as Judge

Judge : I'm sorry?

Pros : Oh, It's not your fault, your just a bit of an

old git who should have been put to pasture

fifty years ago and be made a Lord, so that you

can live out your last few years on that life

support system and do some good!

Judge : Are you saying I'm mad?

Pros : In not so many words!

Judge : Alright then, how many words?

Pros : One. Yes.

Judge : Well in that case, woof, I'm going to have to

hang you, grrr woof, and then smarty smarty

smarty peng noowong ruff ruff!

F.X. : Swear beeper

Caller : 'kin hell!. Call the loony bin, he's finally

flipped.

Judge : And then I'd release the Milton Keynes Eleven,

make Drink Driving legal, make joining CND and

one of the forces compulsory

Defence : Sounds perfectly fine to me!

Caller : Bloody masons

F.X. : MASSIVE Hush sound!

F.X. : Pin dropping (Wheeeeeee clunk)

Caller : Call the new judge.

Caller 2 : The new judge.

Caller 3 : Which new judge?

Caller 2 : Any new judge!.

Caller 3 : Will Judge Numpty do?

Caller 2 : No, too much a git.

Caller 3 : How about Judge Sweatball

Caller 2 : No, he's mad

Caller : Aren't they all!

F.X. : Laughs up & down corridor

Caller 3 : What about Judge Dredd

Caller 2 : No, he's a comic character

Caller 3 : Judge Marx?

Caller 2 : Too old.

Caller 3 : Judge Kryptonite?

Caller 2 : Too smelly.

Caller 3 : Judge Rigamortis?

Caller 2 : Too stiff.

Caller : As the actress said to the vicar

F.X. : More laughs up & down corridor.

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Perfect.

Caller 3 : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller : Judge. Hold on, we've got this the wrong way

about!. I call the judge and it goes down the

line.

Pause

Caller : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 3 : (whispering noises) (pause)

Caller 3 : He's got indigestion

Caller 2 : He's got indigestion

Caller : He's got indi (pause) WHAT!. Oh bum. Court

adjurned until tomorrow when Judge "Rabid Dog"

Smith has got over his indigestion.

Man : It's all rather confusing!!!!.

Announcer : We return you to the chamber....

F.X. : Toilet flushing

Man : What you doing here? Go on, sod off!

F.X. : (fade in) Courtroom noises.

Caller : All rise for the Judge.

F.X. : Scraping of thousands of chairs (speed up towards end)

Judge : Thank you. Now what do you want?

Pros : We want the accused to be pro qatored vin

dialistical frodsumian in the brief of a junkaw

duz vanquibble der vercos plus soir.

Judge : And what's that in English?

Pros : Hung.

Judge : Hung? What for?

Pros : Shall we just say that he's been a bit naughty?

Defence : Objection M'lud.

Judge : Who's that twit?

Caller : He's the Councillor for the Defence.

Judge : Defence? Defence? Defence of what?

Caller : Defence of the accused.

Judge : Oh. What a strange trade. Young twit for

defence

Defence : M'lud

Judge : Watch it pal or I'll have you

Defence : (indignant) What for M'lud?

Judge : For calling me names!

Caller : I don't believe that the Defence was calling

you a name

Judge : Yes he was!

Caller : Stanographer, read back what you have written.

Stanographer : Pros Hung Silly Twit Objection Names Was.

Sorry, I'm not very good at this am I?

Defence : Objection

Judge : You stay out of it!

Pros : M'lud, If you would just...

Judge : Either shut up or I'll have the lot of you shot

for disobedience.

Pros : (hushed) Oh god, not another one.

Defence : (hushed) Jees, why can't we get a proper judge

not some senile old fart who doesn't know his

arse from his elbow!.

Judge : (annoyed) Right. Shut, shut, shut up or I'll

have the lot of you hunhhhhhh

F.X. : Collapse, clunk, dead.

Defence : I think he's died.

Pros : Good thing as well.

Defence : How about a bit of you know?

Pros : You know at know Where?

Defence : Yes. You know at know where with know how and

when.

Pros : And when?

Defence : Now!!

F.X. : Lots of laughs.

Caller : Call for the undertaker.

Caller 2 : Call for the undertaker

Caller 3 : The undertaker

Undertaker : Call for me.

Caller 3 : I already am.

Undertaker : (very poor Cockney) Okay matey, what's the problem?

Caller 3 : I don't know. I'll ask.

Caller 3 : Call what's the problem?

Caller 2 : Call what's the problem?

Caller : Call that the judge has kicked the bucket,

bereffed of life, he rests in piece, he's a

stiff, he's run down the curtain and joined the

choir invisibule, if we move him quick, he can

be pushing up the daisys instead of making a

bit of a niff.

Caller 2 : Call I think he's snuffed it.

Caller 3 : Call I think he's a dead.

Undertaker : Then you don't want me.

Caller 3 : You are an undertaker?

Undertaker : Yes.

Caller 3 : Then it is you we need.

Undertaker : So it is!.

Caller 3 : Can you help?

Undertaker : What sort of stiff is he?

Caller 3 : Call what sort of stiff is he?

Caller 2 : Call what sort of stiff is he?

Caller : Call back the dead sort.

Caller 2 : Call the dead sort.

Caller 3 : Call the dead sort. Oops, sorry mate,the dead

sort.

Undertaker : Best type!.

(Carries on making inane conversation)

Announcer : Meanwhile back in the courtroom....

F.X. : Courtroom noises, farts, burps, coughs, gunfire, screams, running water etc etc etc

Pros : I say Jeremy.

Defence : Yes Sidney?

Pros : I'm not enjoying this part at all

Defence : I know what you mean ducky!. I mean it's so

humiliating.

Pros : Sorry?

Defence : Well look at the way in the last part the

author ridiculed the British Legal system with

the loony judge and the alien copper.

Pros : What's wrong with that, it's satire.

Defence : What's Satire?

Pros : It's what goes on the corner of a car!!

F.X. : Titters.

Defence : Oh very good. Hold on a mo' though.

Pros : What?

Defence : I think that the author has been writting in an

extra bit for us to be doing.

Pros : Just like him, I suppose.

Defence : Isn't he supposed to be writting the

conversation between the Undertaker and one of

the callers?

Pros : That's what I thought!.

Defence : Well he ain't.

Pros : I have a cunning plan....

F.X. : Whispers (speed up) whispers (normal) whispers. Stops.

Defence : Right, I'll go first.

Pros : Okay, Step One. Undo trousers

F.X. : Five or six gun shots

Defence : Done.

Pros : Step Two, Pull down trousers

F.X. : Creaks and bats flying out

Defence : Doned

Pros : Step Three, Pull down grunties

F.X. : Creaking, snaps, crashs

Defence : Done

(pause)

Defence : Doesn't seem to be doing much.

Pros : I can't understand it. It used to work on

(gulp) Oh dear.

Defence : What?

Pros : I forgot.

Defence : Forgot what?

Pros : This is an audio and not a visual production!!!

Defence : Never mind darling.

F.X. : Giggles (fade out)

Announcer : And now for a commercial break

F.X. : Crack (breaking noise)

Voice : Ouch!. Call an ambulance!!!

GRAMS : Any Stock/Aitken/Waterman backing record (all the way through)

David Jensen : And now on P.W.L. records we present one

hundred records which sound identical but you,

the moronic British record buying public have

all bought. Featuring such artists as Kylie

Minogue, Jason Donovan, Sonia, Yell, Sinitta,

Mel and Kim, Rick Astley and Donna Summer all

singing to the same backing track and quite

possibly the same words.

David Jensen : YES, 100 records for only £6.99 on record or

tape and £10.99 on CD for the fourpack disc

set. A bargain indeed for once you have

listened to one track, you can make something

useful out of them like plant pot holders,

earrings or computer data tapes.

David Jensen : A great gift for people who you can't abide or

the deaf. Available now on PWL records.

David Jensen : And for a limited time, if you buy the CD or

tape, then we'll give you FREE and for no extra

money, the 12" remixes which you would NEVER

want!.

GRAMS : Record fade out.

Announcer : Part 2 of Part 2. That's rather good isn't it!

Caller : Call for Judge Crunn

Caller 2 : Call Judge Crinn

Caller 3 : Call Judge Crint

Minnie : (off) Henerey. Henry Crunn, Hen buddy,they want

you.

Henry : Yes mnk (mouth noises) mnk. What do they mnk

want?

Minnie : I don't know buddy

Henry : Eh? Who's this, mnk, buddy?

Minnie : I don't know

Henry : Then why did you bring him up?

Minnie : Bring who up Henry Crunn?

Henry : Buddy!

Minnie : Who's this Buddy?

Henry : I don't know, you silly needle naddle noo of a

woman!

Minnie : Don't you talk, don't you talk to me like that

Crunn!

Henry : I can't help it, it's the only way I know!!!

Minnie : Well its just not good enough

Henry : Sorry Min. (pause) Minnie?

Minnie : Yes Hen?

Henry : What did you want?

Minnie : I don't know Henry!

Henry : Well you should do

Minnie : Should do what?

Henry : Know Henry.

Minnie : But I do know Henry!

Henry : Well who is he, eh? eh? who mnk is he then?

Minnie : He is you, you twit.

Henry : Fine, fine, fine

Eccles : Here, that's my line you twit

Bottle : And that's my catchphrase you rotten swine!

Caller : Call for Judge Crunn

Caller 2 : Judge Crunn

Caller 3 : Judge Crunn

Henry : Ohhhhh!, they want me Min

Minnie : You'd better go then

Henry : Okay Minnie.

F.X. : Jogging - slow start - get faster - faster - faster - pop

NASA : Mission Control Here

Yank : Go ahead Mission Control

NASA : We have an unidentified object coming towards

you

Yank : Yes I know!

NASA : How did you know?

Yank : It's just knocked on the door and asked how far

it is to Court number 2

Man : It's all rather silly really......

GRAMS : Fade in Court Room Noises

Caller : All rise for Judge Crun

Henry : Hello everybody. Now what's going on here then?

Pros : M'lud, it's the Trial of the Crown against

Bluebottle

Henry : Can I see this?

Pros : I don't know M'lud.

Henry : So much for law school!

Defence : M'lud, have you not read your brief yet?

Henry : Don't be so silly. I've got them on!

Pros : (off) My life!

Henry : Alright then, get on with it.

Defence : I'm sorry M'lud, we can't

Henry : And why mnk is that?

Defence : For reasons of security

Henry : What, mnk, what, what, what do you oooooooooh

mean security? Eh, eh, tell me that eh

Min : Henry, Stop that at once, d'you hear me?

Henry : Sorry Min, it's this loon of a man mnkk

Min : What's up Hinny Hen?

Henry : He keeps going on about security.

Min : Ask him why

Henry : Okay Min. (clears throat) Mr Defence Councellor

Defence : Yes M'lud

Henry : Ooooh Min, did you hear that?

Min : What buddy?

Henry : He called me "M'lud"

Min : Isn't that nice of him Hen?!

Henry : Yes, wasn't it. Now Mr Defence, what did you

mean by security

Defence : M'lud, I mean't that by security, that we don't

want any Tom Dick or Harry to know what is

going on

Henry : But I'm the judge

Defence : Well woosal my gribbling scrobs, you are!.

Henry : Then, will you kindly mnk let me know what

is going on?

Defence : No, you should have been reading the script.

Min : He couldn't

Defence : And why not?

Min : Because he was in the bath

Defence : And what was he doing in the bath

Henry : I wasn't doing anything in the bath you spon!

Now can we get on?

Defence : Well, it is the Prosecutions turn, I suppose.

Henry : Mr Prosecution?

Pros : Yes M'lud?

Henry : Get on with it.

Pros : I shall. M'lud, if it would please you,I shall

call my second witness. A Group Captain

Bigglesworth

Henry : Well it wouldn't.

Pros : And why not?

Henry : I don't know, I just felt like saying that!

(giggles)

Caller : Call for Group Captain Bigglesworth

Caller 2 : Group Captain Bigglesworth

Caller 3 : Group Captain Bigglesworth

F.X. : Heavy, quick step to court room. Door opens, 5 steps, up stairs, step, stop.

Police : Please raise your right hand, lower your left

knee, dot your eyes, fold your legs along the

dotted lines, put your left hand on the Bible

and say after me

Biggles : After Me

Police : Isn't that an old one, Christ, the author must

be scrapping the bottom of the barrel for that

gag!. I think we should have a break

GRAMS : Commercial break music

Announcer : We were going to have a break here, but due to

the fact that the author has run out of ideas

for big breaks, we are going to have a number of

shorter ones

(Terry's All Gold Spoof)

GRAMS : Terry's All Gold chocolates music.

SINGS : See the face you love light up with Terry's

Blow Torch!

F.X. : Whoosh! Burns, crackles, pops

GRAMS : Music fade

(Cinema Spoof)

GRAMS : Arny Swartzenager type action music (Very gung ho!)

TRAILER VOICE : Coming soon to a theatre near you, Arnold

Swetty Knickers stars in "The Return of the

Hammy Acting with no storyline but great

special effects III". See as he races

through the streets without a stunt double, cry

as he looses his best friend in a nuclear

conflict of interests, ponder how he will

defeat the whole Russian empire armed with only

a medium range 50 mega tonne nuclear device, a

couple of rocket launchers, 60 Oozy 9mm guns, a

buretter and a small fruit knife and laugh as

he tries to say more than three lines without

fluffing it.

Trailer Voice : Arny Sweatty Knickers is CRAP. See him

soon. Only at a cinema near you NOW.

GRAMS : Music fade in a very weak cressendo.

(Curry Ad)

GRAMS : Sittar Music

Indian : Don't let the bottom fall out of your world.

No, come to us and order a Special Chernobyl

strength Vindaloo and soon you will feel like

the world has fallen out of your bottom!!

GRAMS : Sittar music screws up, fade.

Announcer : Now wasn't that fun!

GRAMS : Return type music.

F.X. : Courtroom noises - fade to "Ying Tong Song" - end explosion - fade back to courtroom noises - fade out

Pros : You are Group Captain Bigglesworth?

Biggles : I am

Pros : Well, in that case could you tell me were you

were on the night in question?

Biggles : I can't

Pros : And why not?

Biggles : My movements of that night are strictly

protected under the Official Secrets Act. So as

you can see, I cannot divulge what I was doing

but I can catagorically say that I deny

anything about Algy, Ginger, Bertie and Myself

with regards to a pound of lard, three

Mackerals, two whips, a naked sheep and the

Polariod camera. It wasn't me and it can't be

proved, besides, Algy was ill that night.

Bugger.

Pros : Quite, but what can you tell me about his case

F.X. : Shuffles, scrapes, pulls out something heavy

Biggles : Well it's brown and made of leather

Pros : And that is the correct answer!

Bottle : Neccles?

Eccles : Yakakakakalboo, Yes Blunebottle?

Bottle : Eccles, isn't this supposed to be my game?

Eccles : Yeah, I thought so

Bottle : Then why haven't I had a go yet?

Eccles : 'Cos it's not your turn yet, now shut up or

we'll get yelled at

Bottle : Nokay yeccles.

Pros : So you believe that Blue Bottle is incapable of

this act

Biggles : Certainly, at least so long as his eyes are

dotted and his tees are crossed!

Pros : No further quistions, quoshtons or questions

M'lud

Caller : Council for the Defence

Defence : M'lud, if I may approach the bench

Henry : Why?

Defence : Then I can see the witness better!

Henry : Okay, Minnie

Min : Yes Henry

Henry : Untie him Min and get those sinful tigers off

his naughty neck

Min : Okay buddy, here pussies

F.X. Tigers, chains being broken

Min : He's free now, but just watch it buster!

F.X. : Footsteps, stops

Defence : You are Group Captain James T. Bigglesworth

erstwhile of the late Royal Air Force as

opposed to the Robbing Arabian Farters? Just

reply "Yes" or "No"

Biggles : Yes or No

Defence : And shall I put it to you that you fly a plane?

Biggles : Yes

Defence : Alright then, you fly a plane. Now I have here

a certain piece of white paper and on it are

other certain words which say certain things.

Do you know what is on this piece of paper?

Biggles : No

Defence : M'lud, it is a piece of paper

Pros : (shouts) Objection

Henry : Zzzzzzzz, what, oh, mnk, yes, yes, yes, who

said that eh?

Pros : It was me.

Henry : And what do you object to?

Pros : The manner in which the defence is asking his

questions

Henry : And what is wrong with it?

Pros : Well, he keeps opening and closing his mouth!

Henry : Objection over-ruled. Get on with it.

Defence : Thank you M'lud. Now this piece of paper is a

form 13x7B214qr21d2 form. Do you, Group Captain

Bigglesworth know what it is?

Biggles : Yes

Defence : What is it?

Biggles : My bally wage chit. Now give it back

F.X. : Rustle of paper, rip

Bottle : Nyee Hee, that tore it.

Eccles : Ha, ha ha, shurrup

Defence : No further questions.

Prosecution : Call for Blue Bottle

Caller : Call for Blue Bottle

Caller 2 : Call for Blue Bottle

Caller 3 : Call for Blue Bottle

Bottle : But I am already in here type here thing.

Caller 3 : Then stop wasting my time

Caller 2 : Well don't you shout at me like that, it's his

fault

Caller 3 : I wasn't being nasty to you, just asking for

you to pass it on

Caller 2 : Oh, sorry.

Caller : Finished?

Caller 2 & 3 : Yes.

Caller : Thank god for that!

Policeman : Please put your right hand on this book, your

left knee in this hole, your right nostril in

the air and your left hand in this bucket of

luke warm scradge

Bottle : Why is that mein Capitain?

Policeman : Partly as it turns me on, but mostly because I

say so.

Bottle : Okay. (grunts - carry on during F.X.)

F.X. : Various popping noises, squeaks, crunches, plings etc.

Bottle : That's better. Now what's up?

Prosecution : Up is a relative concept.

Henry : Relative to what?

Prosecution : Relative to my uncle twice removed and once

repossessed.

Henry : Only once?

Prosecution : Yes. He managed to get enough exorcise

Courtroom : Groans

Min : Enough of those BAFTA winning jokes and get on

with what ever you have to do.

Courtroom : Cheers

Prosecution : Bluebottle. Could you answer me a number of

questions, quoshtons and quishtons.

Bottle : Are they in that order?

Prosecution : Yes. Now could you tell me your side of the

story?

Bottle : What story?

Prosecution : Do you know why you are here?

Bottle : Yes. I recieved this naughty little note what

saided that I had been rotten to a sinful old

policeman and that I am invited to this place

for a linching party.

Prosecution : Good. Now we have that sorted, do you know how

you got here?

Bottle : On the 47B changing at Charing Cross for the

76A. All that for only one and seven

Min : But it's better by train!

Henry : What is?

Min : Dunno. The nice poster on the tube said that.

Henry : What will they ever think of next? A talking

poster. However, proceed.

Prosecution and Bottle mumble to each other

Voice : Meanwhile, in a small dark glitch in the

spon......

F.X. : Water dripping, wind going down a tube

F.X. : Dustbin lid falling, rubbish being spread.

Moriarty : (singing) I lost my heart to a bottle of wine

and a portion of croots and all in the Parisian

palace of Idle I Po!

F.X. : Door creaks open. Crash. Steps. Reverse crash. Door shuts.

Moriarty : (singing) And all for the price of a piece of

cheese. Oh the groob!

Grytepipe : Ah, Moriarty. Eating enough?

Moriarty : Sapristy Pompit. This is living!

Grytepipe : Really?. I must try it sometime.

Moriarty : Yes, but it could do with some more of the old

tomato sauce.

Grtyepipe : The old tomato sauce?

Moriarty : It tastes nicer!

Grytepipe : Good.

Moriarty : (Eating noises) Do you want some?

Grytepipe : Fillet of Fishbone - how nice!. Now onto the

nub of my gist.

Moriarty : How pleasant for you!

Grytepipe : Quite. Now do you remember that policeman of

the law which you accidentally hit on the bonce

a few days back?

Moriarty : Is this policeman the one which belonged to the

police?

Grytepipe : The very same.

Moriarty : Good. What about him?. But first this...

Grytepipe : What?

Moriarty : This!

Grytepipe : Yuk. What is it?

Moriarty : I don't know. I found it at the bottom.

Grytepipe : Well put it back. You never know where it has

been!

Moriarty : But that's the beauty.

Grytepipe : What is?

Moriarty : I DO know where it has been.

Grytepipe : Good. Now back to what I was saying. The twit

which has taken the rap for this crim of a

crime is in the dock.

Moriarty : And not a moment to soon! That boy did pong!

Grytepipe : (annoyed) Not that sort of dock you French

fool. I mean a dock of the legal type. Do you

know what that may mean?

Moriarty : Yes. It might mean that when you fry a goldfish

for too long, a funny smell may arrive.

Grytepipe : Really?. I sometimes wondered what that may

mean!. Anyway you well oiled joker, Bluebottle

in the dock could mean that he may tell the

truth.

Moriarty : Nonsense. He'd never tell.

Grytepipe : And why not?

Moriarty : I gave him two ounces of jelly beans not too.

Grytepipe : I fear that it may not have been enough.

Moriarty : And why not?

Grytepipe : I swapped them for some liquorice.

Moriarty : Why's that?

Grytepipe : A little later, I asked if he liked to run.

Moriarty : And he replied?

Grytepipe : No. The reason being that he could never get

the colours back again.

Moriarty : A charlie!

Grytepipe : My thought's exactly!. Anyway, I say did he

want something to make him run?. He said "Yes"

and I gave him the licquorice for the

jellybeans.

Moriarty : You fool, Grytepipe!. He is the backbone of the

case.

Grtyepipe : A quandry.

Moriarty : Where?

Grytepipe : What do you mean by where?

Moriarty : I mean, where is the quandry?

Grytepipe : Why?

Moriarty : I'm still hungry. Listen to my stomach

Stomach : (Irish, sings) I'm so full. Fully fully full.

B'Jesus I'm so full!

Moriarty : What did you hear?

Grytepipe : A voice singing that it was full.

Moriarty : Yes, but I have an Irish stomach.

Grytepipe : Be quiet you foolish continental you. I am

trying to think.

Moriarty : While you do that, I'll sing a song.

Voice : Meanwhile back at the courtroom.....

F.X. : Courtroom noises fade in. War whoops of the Nackataki Indians, Cold batter puddings being thrown, more courtroom noises, a waltz (sped up) ending in water going down a plug hole.

Voice : It's all rather confusing!!!

Pros : So you are telling me that it wasn't you who

took aim at the sinful alien police officer?

Bottle : Yes. It was that rotten swine Terence Nuke.

Pros : But why then when you were arrested, did you

have a billboard with the words "I did it"

written on in your woolen mit?

Bottle : Well, Mr Nuke said to me, he said to me he did,

that I could have two ounces of jellybabies if

I held the poster and this funny looking pole

with a cardboard tube on for him.

Pros : I see.

Henry : That's funny.

Pros : M'lud?

Henry : I can see too

Pros : Two? Two what?. I can only see one!

Henry : Well try opening your other eye then.

F.X. : Creaks. Pop.

Pros : You're right!. I can see two now.

Defence : Can I interupt and say something?

Henry : Alright.

Defence : Thank you M'lud. Something.

Pros : Fine. Now Mr Bottle,