THE FRONT INDEX!

Basically, this is the contents, but as you are about too read, this bears zero when you consider such things as the great WHY (does unleaded petrol taste so nasty?), WHEN (did you drink it then?) and of course WHERE (is the sick bucket?) of life.

But less of such philosophical items of enjoyment (or not depending on whether you enjoy drinking Unleaded Petrol!) and on with the contents list and a brief list of what happens in the chapters (so you can read this while you not trying to look at the girly mags in Mr McNobbies Sleezeagents).

CHAPTER 1. THE CREATION OF THE EARTH (and dogs). The great event takes place here and for a change, the Earth actually lasts more that a chapter. The devil makes dogs, doggy died, man cried and started to be rotten. Bricks are invented.

CHAPTER 2. A strange one this in which the original Earth is done away with by a blight caused by Rural Architects and for some unknown reason, I decide to kill off two races of aliens for the fun of it!.

CHAPTER 3. EARTH II or how to destroy the Earth in 5 easy ways!. As the name implies, this one was set when the world was thought to be flat, but I got bored doing it so I left the end open for you to decide on it's fate (it kicks the bucket). This one was the most successful of the Earths. It lasted 'til 947AD.

CHAPTER 4. The LORD is on trial for literally blowing off man from the Earth and for being a generally rotten type of chap. He wins. What a bore!

CHAPTER 5. The fastest of the Earth series to kick the bucket.

CHAPTER 6. The story of some bloke called Geezus. A bit of a hippy commie this bloke who "had the sex appeal of a road accident!"

"Brilliant, A piece of art, Amazing, Superb, It justifies the BBC TV license by itself, Tremendous" - Paul Johnson (The Author)

"Not enough dirty things and smut" Mary Whitehouse

"Now that's the way it happened" Bishop of Durham

"Be damned and smitten for all time you beast of the night. Any chance of a free copy then?" GOD

"IT'S MONTY PYTHONS FLYING CIRCUSSSSSSS" John Cleese.

THE INDEX II

This is as the title suggests, the second page which is entirely dedicated to the furthering of your knowledge into this most weird and 'wonderful' book on the PFJ version of the course of events leading up to the world as we know it. Now with out further ado, we have the chapter contents.

Chapter VII. In which GOD doesn't create anything. Instead Satin creates a star system. Now GOD isn't to fussed on this as to top it all, Satin gets an award. So drastic measures are called for and in the end Earth V is once again splattered into 1001 pieces and spread with margarine and to be taken three times a day. Once after every meal. Do not drink milk or alcohol. Please keep out of reach of children. If symptoms persist, blow your head off with the twin barrelled 12 bore provided in the box of cornflakes which you have been given.

Chapter VIII. The critics (my pet gerbil, Fred and the mole in the Garden, Timmy) said it could never be done. Biggles has met his match in this one, not bad when you consider that Biggles ain't even in this story!. What am I babbling on about, well, it is that the whole galaxy, including Halleys comet has been created and NOT destroyed. What will they ever think of next?!!!

The

And suddenly there was light. This was due to someone sticking in a new 240 volt light bulb into the socket. "Hmmm, I wonder what I can create now?"

Well it was then that him up there thought of mankind. But it was turned down on the grounds of being useless as there was a slight problem about were they were going to live. So GOD said to himself "I know, I'll cement up one of the 10 pin balls and fill in the holes with cement. I hope Lucifer won't take offence. After all, it is only little old me!!!"

And so it came to pass that when the next Inter Gods 10 pin bowling championship came around GOD played his 'Trick'. He filled up one of Lucifer's 10 pin ball's with slow drying cement.

Lucifer, to his misfortune picked up the ball. When the release came - it didn't!!. Lucifer went straight down the isle and only hit four out of the ten balls. He went so fast as to smash out of heaven and yelled something rather rude on the way out and was banished for the whole of eternity for this. The four pins shattered into uneven pieces and the ball fell off Luci's hand - eventually!!.. Lucifer settled down under the ball which by some strange happening, increased its size, the further it went from heaven. This place had a nice warm fireplace which would be nice for toasting muffins on.

When it came to GODs throw, the ball did go way off course and smashed through the clouds surrounding Heaven whacking into Lucifer's fire place causing it to flare up and make Lucifer's place rather on the warm side. "OH HELL!." thought Lucifer and still Luci goes around going "OH HELL!". Fortunately Lucifer was a bit cold so to keep the fire burning, he started to burn the spatial debris until a new substitute could be found.

"Oh Gosh. And that was my last shot.". Fortunately none of the other gods around noticed the little trick GOD had played.

At the next meeting GOD put forward his man idea again. Again though, it was refused as no one would want to live on a smooth 10 pin alley ball with the holes still in it. So the LORD went back to the drawing board and thought.

"I suppose I could create a race of extremely stupid beings with super short life spans and send them to mess up the 10 pin ball a bit. The only problem with that would be I'd have to get them all killed."

This would be a very naughty sin and GOD could have been banished for an indefinite period which wouldn't have done GODs ego much good. So yet another idea had to be thought up.

10 milliseconds later........

An idea passed through GODs immense mind. The thought was simple.

"If I make them into 3D rectangular shapes and call them "BRICKS" then no one can object and Man can use them for building houses when they finally evolve to that status!. Hopefully, they'll fill up those stupid holes as well."

At the next meeting the plan was proposed and was down done again as a very simple question was asked. It was "What if these man creatures want something to drink?."

Again GOD became slightly peeved and set about constructing WATER. Now this was pretty difficult as not many places stocked Hydrogen and the local ASDA wasn't open yet so the OXYGEN wasn't available. Besides Oxygen was too expensive. Something suddenly hit the mind off the LORD. Why not divert the Heavens sewer and to get rid of the 'impurities', stick in a filter which would last the lifetime of the 10 pin ball.

This was a success and before a microsecond had passed, Man found himself on a gnarled bit of 10 pin which was to be known as "Earth" because early man could only say "URG!"

Up in Heaven though, everything wasn't going to plan as GOD had been lobbied by the Feminists and the Animalists. So GOD got hold of a man and nicked a rib. Man was a bit confused by this, well wouldn't you be if you'd just met GOD?. But he wasn't in a position to argue as Trades Unions hadn't been invented yet.

GOD had some human putty left over after making the woman so he did divide the remainder into three parts. Two went on the womans chest and the rest went on the twiddley bits between a mans legs.

This was in part to make up for GOD originally nicking the first man's rib.

Still the Animal Libbers were not pleased. So GOD got a bit of plastic and made lions, tigers and fish. For a bit of a laugh, he stuck the lions up wooden poles called trees, the tigers in the water and fish on the land. When he saw that most of the Libbers were up in arms about this, GOD to avoid anymore hassle, swapped over the animals to their respective places. Fish to water, tigers and lions to the ground but they would fight and the excuse of survival of the fittest wouldn't wash as most of the Libbers were leftys. So to get around this slight problem, GOD plonked them onto different continents.

At this time, Lucifer thought he'd get his owns back on GOD for playing that rather mean trick on him. He took the non existent A31.5 at the Fulham by-pass and ended up in Heaven with the blue print of an animal called "DOG". GOD thought it a compliment as DOG is GOD backwards. Little did he realize that the dog was symbolic as the GODs opposite was Lucifer. The grand council approved of the idea and even gave Luci a GLC grant which was peculiar as the GLC hadn't been invented yet. So Lucifer hoped back into his non-existent car, travelled down the non-existent A31.5 and made the DOG.

The journey back to Hell was the worst thing Lucifer had ever encountered. To start with he got lost in Fulham after coming off the non-existent A31.5, then in Birmingham's town centre. Finally Lucifer arrived home and made a dog which the plans said would be a cross between a Tiger and a Lion but would be called a dog so as to avoid the copyright laws.

Four weeks later, Lucifer went back up to Heaven with the Dog. Instant approval was given and the LORD liked it so much he lobbed in onto the URG or Earth for Man to love and adore.

This was fine until GOD saw what was happening when the Dog kicked the bucket. Man was narked and got violent doing various obscenities to the local Women folk. This of course got the Feminists up in Heaven narked. So they started to give the LORD much hassle. This was a useless method of contacting the LORD as the almighty was already working on Spaghetti Junction and was to busy to concentrate on Luci's pet. "Besides," thought GOD, "it is too late to do anything. There are just too many mutts for me to handle. I think I'll send down a disease which will get rid of some of the mutts. And it shall be called 'PARVO-VIRUS'. That should do the trick!"

On Urg this Parvo-Virus caused much hassle to the witch-vets who thought it must be some sort of Godly disease. This was ironic really as it was!!.

The History Back

Now the Earth I was unstable, the three dimensional blocks called bricks had started to dictate to man, so GOD (you know, 'im indoors) destroyed the bricks by calling the Earth I "Milton Keynes" which promptly self destructed as a rather nasty strain of brick blight called 'Rural Architect' moved in. Now the filofaxes of these architects started to out number the number of bricks so they turned on each other.

Meanwhile, in a far off galaxy, we see two people, sorry, it's a figment of my imagination, where was I?. Rambling on as usual!

An extract from the original, wholesome, now with now artificial colours or preservatives, bible. © A long time ago. Lord God.

"And so it came to pass that the LORD did destroy the Earth I2 with (hold on, whats an 'Earth I2' when its at home?. Sorry, just me I guess!) a great whoosh from his mighty sphincter, this was followed by a3 mighty wiff which the5 other, sorry, 4gods objected to saying if GOD wanted5 to do that sort of thing then6 'He should do it elsewhere and not in a bloody7 public place!'. Now the Earth II had to be8 madeth and by the time that it is completed9, maybe I'll have been re-written without these10 stupid little numbers!"

To create the Earth II, our LORD had to consult himself for many a long nano-second until he came up with an idea. But it had to be dispelled as he didn't know anyone who would consent, and then where could he get the leather and hair gel from at this time of BC?. A new idea had to be thought up........

Meanwhile, where Lucifer had been kipping under the earth.....

An extract or three from "The secret and rather kinky diary of L.B. Satin aged 13 3/4 million"

....screaming as she came off.

Monday 93rd Augril

That mean old git, GOD has just let rip!. Wota smell!. Mind you, one good thing can be said of this tidal wave of a stink is that my fires gone wild!!

Tuesday 93rd Augril

The EARTH's gone!. What am I going to do?. I've already phoned the Samaritans but they only said "You think you've got problems, I've only got thirty seconds to liv". Then it went dead!. Had an OXO for dinner, and infact supper, come to think of it, that's all I've been eating. I must get some more vitamin blood!.
Wednesday 93rd Augril

Why is the date always the 93rd?. Tomorrow, my plan to destroy mankind shall start.

Thursday 93rd Augril

Oh heck!. That sod hasn't built Earth II yet. It seems that the unions won't go along with the new idea. It was a bad mistake for me to make them.

Friday 93rd Augril

I know why it is always the 93rd. I don't know what comes next!!

Meanwhile on a planet a few hundred light years away......

Three monsters were sitting down in a corner of the planet not yet destroyed by a terrible war in which the major culprit was a shortage of the equivalent of Choccy Bikkies. It seemed that there would be only enough for one of the two gangs. Whilst in deadly combat, a freak hole in time opened up and swallowed the bikkies giving a big burp after the small snack. The two gangs didn't realise it until one of them was completely wiped out and the final member of one gang went to look for the reward. On finding no bikkies, the monster committed the ancient ritual of Kawasaki, he changed into a motor-bike and sold himself for people to ride.

"A bit bloomin' quiet eh?" said number one monster
"!" said the second monster while the third one started to go red and a wry grin formed.
"Urg, Who's farted?" exclaimed number two
"Yuk" said number one in reply. Number three omitted to say anything as he seemed to be dead.

The others started to cough, then rather violently choke, followed by a rasping heaving groan. Then BONK-BONK, two dead monsters.

Then from out of no where, it was infact the front door but I won't go into that unless you want me too, no, I didn't think you would, a knock beheld the dead house followed by "Did you know the LORD loves you?". Yes it was the bloody Mormons!.

BACK IN HEAVEN.....

It was about 11:21pm and everyone was asleep, so that puts pay to this bit!.

Back

The Earth mk I was created, was taken over by filofaxes, GOD destroyed the Earth with a mighty gush of wind. Three monsters on a war torn planet died of asphyxiation because of a tin of beans. Ernrich the Pink couldn't decide what colour nail varnish to wear for the super heroes conference on whether raging bendos like Ernrich should be allowed anywhere near anything alive. The invisible man had been missing for ages and that was a pretty puny joke!.

NOW READ ON...... sorry, that sounds a bit oppressive, do forgive me, I'm so dreadfully sorry, PLEASE do say you'll forgive my most terrible error. You do. Oh you're so kind and gentle and OUCH you've just hit me!. That hurt. Look, either you apologize or I'll stop writing. You won't. Right, that's it. No more. I mean it. Ah! crawling back to me. See how you collapse at my extreme power. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Haa!!!

After the great heavenly fire of just past 9:19 am, the original blue prints for Earth I were found. Unfortunately they looked like a crumpled crisp and a two dimensional planet didn't look much fun. but if that was the plan, so be it and in a twinkling of an eye, a Smiths Crunchy Crisp was made.

The year was 947AD. Many of the great scientists and writers not to mention acknowledged loonies, thought the Earth was flat, which of course it was. No one could prove it and the only way to do so would be to send some complete dimbo out to the edge of the world. If he didn't return, well he'd have fallen off.

And so a decree was sent out the furthest reaches of the known Earth saying the monarch of England will pay 3.50 to the first mug, sorry, courageous adventurous sailor who will travel to the end of the world. No response came back until the reward went upto 4.

It was then an adventurous, courageous and slightly insane Paddy O'leary came forward, then backwards and forwards again. Accepting the challenge, Paddy and his crew, and what a crew it was, there was O'shaunessy and Pib the dog, set off.

A bit of description of Pib and O'shaunessy is actually needed here to show what a marvellous crew it was. O'shaunessy was a good sailor, strong, willing, very mad in his day. Now he was coming onto 96 and a bit past it. Pib wasn't much better but he could speak better Irish then O'shaunessy!

The crew decided to set out from Middlesbourgh as it seemed a good idea at the time. But it soon came clear to Paddy there was a problem but it wasn't for another 3 years that it came apparent. There was no water. So after dismantling the ship and going down to the sea, Paddy and his crew, which had now gone down to one, the dog had gone off to join the liberals as an MP, set off again.

For many a long year, Paddy and O'shaunessy sailed on the good ship "Going cheap - reduced to only 1 for quick sale - slightly damaged but still sea worthy". They went through all the foulest types of weather imaginable, until they reached the end of the Earth.

As I can't be bothered making up an ending, I shall leave you with a number of alternative finishing touches:

1. But the LORD had seen the terrible plan of the English monarch who was known to all of his enemies as "that conniving English son of a pig" and so inserted a large straw into the Earth II and blew to make the world round, and so Paddy and O'shaunnesy could get back to England and claim the 4 reward and live happily ever after.
2. But the LORD had seen the terrible plan of the English monarch and so decided to put Earth II away in his toy cupboard and create the Earth III for a bit of a laugh!
3. When the two came to the edge of the Earth, they set anchor down, but unfortunately just after the anchor sank, a freak gust of wind hit the sails of the boat, tipping it over the edge, which by some strange freak akin more to a Pink Panther cartoon then some electronic scriblings of a slightly deranged scouser, pulled the Earth II on it's side and all the continents rushed past Paddy's boat and into the dark, inky void. Paddy and boat and Earth II was then used as a pendulum in some parallel galaxy for a Physics 'A' level experiment.
4. Paddy and boat fell off the edge and died rather painfully while the monarch of England had a party costing him approx. 3.99 to celebrate the demise of Paddy.
5. Middlesbourgh was engulfed in a plague of Bob Monkhouse fans, so destroying all known elements of sane life. So the Earth II had to be destroyed to make way for Earth mk III which with a bit of luck will survive more then a decade and not be taken over by Bob Monkhouse fans!

Well, there you are. Five choices. When you have chosen, jump in a lake, turn around, say "Pling" twice, hit yourself on the head with something hard which resembles a large mallet, then listen to five hours of Tony Blackburn jokes. Have a nice choice.

The History Back

A smallish recap for the benefit of those who either (i) can't read or (ii) haven't read parts 1 to 3 as they haven't seen them yet which has got nothing to do with me as I only write them. If you want to get onto the distributors then that's your business. But less of this idle banter and on with the show.......

The smallish recap I've just been on about: Earth I was created but then was destroyed. Earth II didn't fair any better as that to was destroyed by anyone of five options. By the way, how did you do on those?. If you chose any of the one which Paddy survived and the Earth II perished, score 5. If you chose that the Earth II survived, Paddy kicked the bucket and the monarch had a sound party, score 2 and if you were to give me 3000 then you can score as many as you like but as I know that you people reading this will have seen the scoring and chosen the one were Paddy survived I won't concern myself over it any more. No that's it. No more. Absolutely. Fin. No chance in trying to talk me into it, final. Sorry, I got carried away. Its this Springsteen Live Tape. Sorry!.

Another Extract from that infamous big red book which has got a lot of very silly type words in it and are generally about two deities (no that's DEITYS not the plural of diets you pleb!)...

"And the LORD did get rid of the Earth II1 but this was a bloody stupid move as GOD2 hadn't got any more cash and was in a breech of contract3 and a lengthy court case was imposing on the great GOD which didn't really worry4 him as being the creator of well, everything I suppose5, knew he'd come off (ooer that sounds a bit rude - BE BANISHED OH CREATURE OF THE DEVIL but it does sound a bit rude doesn't it!) totally unscathed6.32. Meanwhile I've still got to put up with these7 daft little numbers. I wonder if this big red book8 will ever be released or will some dickhead or other9 re write it with those totally crappy words like "thee, thou and thine"10 in it?. I hope not as I've spent just over 5.7 years making it up from a really sound story11 I was told by a deranged loony on a bus. But the trial did comenceth12. Oh hell! Its not going to be a loony re-writingeth iteth. It'll be meeth13!. ARGHETH! NO!"

I hope you got all of that as I am not going to repeat it. I'm not the BBC or late night ITV you know!.

Well the day of the trial approached and already the movie producers and sponcorers were queuing up for the legal rights to the case of "GOD against the whole of just about everything else". But there was to be none of it. Except for a sponsor as the LORD was slightly skint, well actually he was really skint, broke etc. The mugs would have to pay GODs legal costs. This trial was turning out to be a bit of sod for GOD as he was about to start on, yes you've guessed it, the Earth III, well actually it wasn't to be called Earth III, it was to be named JIIIll but this wouldn't have been much cop for a third planets name so I reckon it will be just as well that "Earth III" will not arise until the next (un)exciting chapter. I'm going to finish this paragraph now as it is becoming totally unfunny and tedious to write! So nyer!!!

The main charge which (if I get around to it) was to put to the LORD was of gross murder by letting one rip in the case of Earth I and blasting out all but two of his creations, and of one of gross indecision in the Earth II bit. But this was small potatoes!

And for your blow by blow commentary on what is certain to be the biggest thing since the scandal over the eviction of Lucifer and a lot of Gel and Leather in the wardrobe of GOD "I can explain. Really...." we hand over to Barry Norman who says, and quite rightly too, that he isn't used to this sort of job, and why not?!. Will GOD be able to defeat them this time or is this just a waste of time as he can get off as he is the creator of just about everything?. Over to Barry, and why not!

And tonight on "GOD against everyone", we won't be previewing the latest Hollywood, which, as I can't remember, isn't going to exist for about 4000 billion years yet, blockbuster. We will be reporting, and why not, on the GOD case/scandal which, in a sense, is what it is there for. Hold, and why not, on a mo. My contract doesn't say anything about this, and why not? I ask. So sod off and give it to an independent reporter.

Lucifer S. Beelzebub's Independent (and bias) report on the big case since that rotter chucked me out of heaven thingy.

GOD won, the rest didn't. He was granted all legal costs which gave him just enough to be able to bt@($

Um, the original file seems to have been corrupted here - I'll need to look at it....