Something which strikes me as a bit strange is the promotions for the new Fiat Uno. I mean, just buying the thing makes you want to go out and journey all over the continent to buy your groceries!. But what really gets on my nerves is the way the advert is done.

Opening scene. Hubby is sitting watching the cricket. Enter wife who says that she is just going to buy the weeks shopping. Takes the keys and sods off.

At this point, it is left to the imagination that she has a totally full tank of juice or is being followed by a fuel tank as she seems to travel through about nine different countries in order to buy her goods. But the totally odd thing about it is the husband. In the ad, the wife has a romantic rendezvous with an Italian lover in the moonlight. This is fine. But what is the husband doing all of this time?. Does he wonder "Oh I wonder where my wife is?" or "When is she coming back, I'm on nights this week and need the car?" or even "When am I going to get my bloody dinner?". No. More than likely, he's thinking "Adsa's only just down the road. Where's she gone for the tea? China?". Which is probably a good guess.

So this wife gets back. The car still has a full tank of juice, the brakes are still intact, the lights still work and the body hasn't rusted to bits yet. She walks in. What does hubby do?. Get up? Ask her where she's been?. No. He just sits there. No "you've been a long time", no "get me my dinner" not even "hello." Just "They're playing the follow on.".

This Fiat advert is now on every bus, billboard and magazine. But which car do you never see an ad for. The Citreon 2CV. And why? Cos it's crap!. They don't even bother to advertise in mens mags. Not that I've ever bought one of course. I've just been told by someone else who has never bought one - ever!

Why, if you go out and buy one of these magazines, do you never admit to buying it?.

A friend of mine went out and bought £15 worth of magazines and when asked if he had bought them replied "No.". This guy had been SEEN by four or five other people who had also been "just wandering around this shop at the same time because we wondered what they were like - honest!". Also, why are they called "Mens mags"?.

In a recent poll of independant traders, almost 40% of all mens mags are also read by women. So why the poefaceness. Why the let's hide it under the corner of the bed in the hope that my girlfriend never sees it. Because we are BRITISH. British with it inhibitions. British with our stiff upper lip (which isn't the only stiff thing after reading one of those mags, I can tell you!). British with our centuries of not knowingness. If we were in Sweden then it would be a different kettle of fish.

"Hello Doef"
"Hello Moother"
"Whot is this I hiv fownd oonder youer bedd?"
"I dunt know moother"
"Itz a norty mag, izint it?"
"Yes"
"Isit youers"
"Yes"
"Goood. I woonderd when youerd get arownd to gettink worn!"

But over here it's

"Son, what's this?"
Silence
"Alright. I see. Anymore?"
Silence. Nods
"Right then. Why?"
Silence. Shrugs shoulders.
"Look, next time, hide it a bit better"

Reading one the other night, especially those adverts for devices. Things which bump and grind and slide. There is a new device called something like Silk Lips. The basic idea is these things move up and down while you are doing something else. But why?. Isn't the five finger shuffle good enough or can he just not get anyone to do it?. Or is just a proffesional perv?. A group threer. Sorry, you have to know the four basic groups of buying mags.

The first: "Mr Erm, Excuse me, Echo, Beano, Bunty, Barearse monthly". You can tell this one off from miles away. He's the one who will casually walks up when there is no-one about, striddle up,whisper what he wants, gets the mags and shoves it inside his coat.

The second: "Mr Give me the latest copy of Big Tits Monthly". He just says it as if WHERE buying the TVTimes. Still makes sure there is no-one about.

The third: "Mr Speak Quick". This bloke goes to the counter and mumbles some incomprehensible gibberish where the only words ledgable are the things he wants. Sounds like this - "hellopacketofPEANUTSermcopyofVIZbagofchipsFIESTApleaseermECHOerer mumlummyPARADEer" and so on

The forth: "Mr BIG". This git gets right on wick. He goes up, asks for the latest copy of "Wobbly Flibbery Gibbery Bits" and then gives the vendor the cash but makes sure it is 10p short. He then has to search his pants, coats, filofax, tie, secret cash and stash belt and finally comes out with something looking like a 10p which has been covered in 5 years gunge. Hacks of the bits of gum, chocolate, alien fluff and mess to reveal just a 2p coin. And so he has to restart the procedure. And what makes it worse is that he won't let anyone else be served as he is an arrogent git!.

I fall into catagory 2. Not that have ever bought one of those things. I'm just saying that if I did..........