Dud : Hello Pete, how you doing?
Pete : Oh hello Dud. Fine.
Dud : Found a job yet Pete?
Pete : It's funny that you should say that
Dud : Say what Pete?
Pete : That about finding a job
Dud : What's so funny about that then Pete?
Pete : Well, I just so happened to have gotten myself a job
Dud : Go on then Pete, what is it?
Pete : I work as a SS at the RSPCA
Dud : Peeeeeete, what's an SS?
Pete : That my friend is short for Shit Shoveler
Dud : Oh. Do you enjoy it?
Pete : As a matter of fact, I do
Dud : What part?
Pete : Well the shovelling obviously
Dud : Which bit of the shovelling then Pete?
Pete : The part were the dog has crapped and it's gone through the paper and when it's picked up, my fingers go straight up into the
Dud : Into the warm wetness of the fresh shite
Pete : Exactly that. It reminds me of something
Dud : What's that then?
Pete : Sticking my fingers into something warm and moist
Dud : Something like my Shirley's quim?
Pete : Yes, like that exactly
Dud : You mean you can get it moist?
Pete : Oh, very easily!
Dud : Well screw me with a brush..
Pete : It, my friend would be a pleasure!
Dud : Sharrap and let me finish!
Pete : Go on then!
Dud : I will, I will!. Now where was I?
Pete : You getting Shirley's quim moist.
Dud : Yeah!. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get her moist.
Pete : Well what do you do then?
Dud : Well I show her my favourite pictures of the exhaust gasket on a Fiat Croma followed by an opened cassette
Pete : Nothing?
Dud : No nothing. But then I go onto beating the shit out of her with half a brick and then a baseball bat, but all this does is make her cry out
Pete : And still nothing?
Dud : Well, nothing to her
Pete : Nothing to her
Dud : I just said that
Pete : I know, I know!
Dud : Then why did you repeat it?
Pete : 'Cos it sounded so sexy! But go on, nothing to her
Dud : But I tell you what it does is that it don't 'arf get me bronko!
Pete : So it's a one way arrangement then?
Dud : Quite so. So tell me, how do you get my Shirl's quim moist
Pete : It is quite simple. Show her a record going around
Dud : I've tried that
Pete : But at the wrong speed!
Dud : Oh right then! But we seem to have diverted a bit from your job as an SS at the RSPCA
Pete : I was just upto sticking my fingers through the paper into the warm moistness of the freshly laid shit
Dud : So go on then
Pete : Then comes the bleach
Dud : Bleach?. You mean hair bleach?
Pete : 'Course not sodding hair bleach, you pratt!. It's bloody bleach
Dud : You mean you put blood into the bleach?. Why do you do that?
Pete : I didn't say that I did put blood into the bleach
Dud : Yes you did!
Pete : And when was that then?
Dud : Just then after you called me a pratt
Pete : So I did!.
Dud : So it's just normal everyday bleach then Pete?
Pete : That is correct. You have to chuck that on the floor, scrub it and the squib the floor
Dud : Whats a squib then Pete?
Pete : It's like a brush but with two dirty great big bits of foam on the end which pulls out the water
Dud : Sounds nice
Pete : As a matter of fact Dudley, it does sound nice!.
Dud : So what do you do then?
Pete : Well, then you have to paper the kennels and put in fresh water
Dud : Why is that then Pete?
Pete : I'd of thought that that was pretty obvious
Dud : No
Pete : So the dogs can crap on it again, I have to change it, and then I can get the horn
Dud : I see.
Pete : But that's not the best bit Dud
Dud : Go on then, I'm all agog
Pete : Or at least in your case, half agog!
Dud : How fuckin' funny Pete!. Now just get on with it.
Pete : No, another good bit is when you get to put the dogs in
Dud : Well, why is that then?
Pete : 'Cos you get to feel them up when you put them in
Dud : Sounds like fun