That bit about revenge being such a sweet taste is actually just a load of bullshit designed to make the jaded British public think that the author of this dubious work is quite a thinker and not just a complete pervert who enjoys writing about fictious figures and boasting about the size of his **** (I'll leave what the * stands for!).

The actual title for this one is as follows:

The reason being this:

If you can remember back to the original Biggles story, at the end Biggles, Ginger and Algy had been caught up in some bloody huge accident because they all knew too much about the facts about World War II.

The action takes place after the following announcement on behalf of the SDLP (copyright 1989 some pillocks)

I fully admit to not being indecisive - I think.

Now on with the story.

Sirens screamed, lights flashed and so did quite a number of perverts. Soon the fire brigade arrived, followed by the ambulances and other emergency services. From the corner of one of his eyes, a mangled and hurting Captain James T Bigglesworth could see a leg. He felt towards it.

Nothing. He rubbed it a bit, gave it a gentle kick, then a slightly harder kick, a slash with a knife followed by a kick which could only be described as a largish kick and finally a kick which his good mate Frank 'The Slasher' Briggs would have been proud. But still no feeling. After a short while, he tried again, but still nothing. Quietly, he said to himself:

"ME LEG! FUCKIN' HELL! I CAN'T FEEL ME BLOODY LEG!"
"That's because it's mine you dozy twatter" replied a battered Algy.
"Algy, thank God that you're alive!" said Biggles
"I don't think I am alive you know"
"Sorry?" stated Biggles
"I said"
"I know what you said" said Biggles, "but what the bally hell do you mean?"
"What I mean is that I am not sure that I am actually still here."
"Well are you or not?"
"I don't know"
"You must be" replied Biggles harshly
"Why must I?"
"Because I don't talk to dead people"
"Not normally."
"What the fuck do you mean by 'not normally'?" blurted Biggles
"Well, in most cases you wouldn't"
"Most cases?" asked Biggles
"Yes, almost 99% of cases"
"Only 99%?"
"Fuck it, lets go the whole hog, 100% of the time"
"So what you really should have said was that in all cases I wouldn't"
"Yes."
"Wouldn't what?" enquired Biggles slowly and in a very low, husky and rather sexy way
"Talk to dead people"
"Go on"
"But who is to say that,"
"Go on, yes, say that what?"
"Well,"
"Come on man, don't beat around the bush"
"Biggles, how dare you" retorted Algy, "You know I'm not that sort of a guy!"
"Sorry old bottom squisher. Proceed"
"That we might be dead"

From up above, a light shone into the cockpit of the twin engined Cockston Thrasher Bi-plane. A scruffy looking youth looked in an exclaimed thus

"There's two in 'ere boss. Alive by the looks of it"
"How can you tell?" asked a distant voice
"Cos they've just had a bloody long chat about them being dead or not"
"I see. Get 'em out, then come over here. There's someone in this smashed up car"

The figure reached in and pulled both Algy and Biggles free, then left the rest to the Ambulance people. Biggles turned to Algy and said...

"Algy, you don't arf talk a load of bollocks sometimes!", he then continued, "And you, watch out for my leg!"
"It's not your friggin' leg!" blimpered in Algy

then fell into unconsciousness.

The car looked ruined. The back half was ruined, petrol leaked everywhere and the oil tank had split. Not unusual though for a Skoda!. But then, from out of this mess came a couple of voices

"Stick it up higher" came a female voice
"Mlurfle, grubbel, frump"
"Yes, YES, YES!" screamed the female voice
"MLURFLE, GRUBBEL, FRUMP!" said the estranged other voice again
"Keep going, I'm coming, I'm coming, AHhhhhhh!" finished the voice
"MLURFLE, GRUBBEL, FRUMP!" bellowed the voice
"Ginger, what are you trying to say?"
"Mlurfle, grubbel, frump!"

The grubby youth lurched in and pulled Ginger's head up. At this, Ginger gave a large sigh and massaged his aching tongue. Sabby looked in a bad way, which is precisely how you would expect to look after some aeroplane had just landed on you from 50,000 feet, but still satisfied. She turned her head towards Ginger, smiled, farted, dribbled a bit then started to talk with much effort as by the movement of her head, she seemed to have sliced it open on rather a sharp and generally nasty looking piece of car metal.

"Ginger, did the earth move for you too?"
"I don't know, it's a bit dark down there!" said Ginger, he paused and then continued, "SHIT!. It's started to rain"

Red drops came down from above Ginger whose head was still in Sabby's lap. 'Strange Rain' thought Ginger, then came to his mind the following thought:

"Red Rain. Warm wet rain?. What is like rain, is red, and is at body temperature BUT isn't rain?."
"Blood" replied Sabby in thought
"Blood?" thought back Ginger who had suddenly found out that both he and Sabby had become telepathic.

A large figure loomed over both Ginger and what was left of Sabby and called over to another man who had rather a large saw to come over and get them out of the car which looked like it was going to explode.

The man with the large saw approached and started to saw and eventually, the top of the car was off with the result that Ginger and Sabby could now be removed. Ginger in one piece, Sabby in a number of pieces. The ambulance man arrived and helped Ginger onto rather an old stretcher, while his colleague helped Sabby into a number of rather old Tesco's plastic bags!. Ginge looked over towards his girl - he didn't quite know which bit, but still he looked in that general direction.

Before lapsing into the inky void of not being awake, Ginger only had one thing to say to Sabby.

"Byeeee!"

The next thing they knew was waking up in an RAF hospital - or was it?

Bleep.
Bleep.
Bleep.
Bleep.
Bleep.
Bleeeeeeeeeeeep
. ErhhhhhhhhckckckckckckckckcerhhhhhhhBRUMMMMM
Bleep.
Bleep.
Bleep.
"SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" screamed Biggles soon to regret his yelling, "Bugger" he then whispered.

Nurse Cuntnbottomlyovik approached Biggles and shoved something into Algy's gob. Algy started to choke.

"Loose pubes!" blurted Algy

Dr. Sonovobitchikvicov strode over to Gingers bed, unzipped his pants, pulled out his plonker and started to piss on Ginger. Some drops hit Ginge's lips. He started to lick his dry lips when the urine splashed onto them. Rolling his tongue around his mouth, he soon realised that it wasn't Lucozade.

"Chateau Neurf Dix Wogga Wogga?" burbled Ginger
"No comrade. It is Chateau Sonovobitchikvicov 1944"
"Pleasing taste. Full of body"
"It iz very eazi to get hold ov comrade"
"A bit warm though"
"Sorry, your life support machines have been taking up too much petrol to keep running and so our fridge is no quite working"
"Life support machine?"
"Da. Life support machine"
"You mean I am alive?"
"Da."
"Sabby?"
"No. I am Doctor Mickile Sonovobitchikvicov"
"No, how is Sabby?"
"Sorry, I don't know. You came in with two others"
"Other what"
"Parts"

Ginger felt down to his legs, both there, going up he found that he had both knees and two thighs. A bead of perspiration glinted on his head, it trickled down his clean, unspotty features, towards his nose. It approached the bridge of his conk and decided to commit the ancient ritual of Hari Kari, but chickened out at the last moment and decide to dribble down. It's journey wasn't quite over yet. Being a sadistic bastard, it decided to aggravate the man who brought it into being and climb up Ginger's largish beak.

"What other parts did you get you disgusting bally Commie"
"They were you're friends"
"You mean that Algy and Biggles are here?"
"I don't know their names. When I ask them their names, one rolls over, blows off, giggles and starts to blurt out occasionally something called 'bastard' and occasionally 'cerhunt'"
"And the other one?"
"Keeps sucking his thumb and continually saying 'pooey bottoms' and 'I want my mummy'"
"That's them alright, but were are we?"
"This, my oppressed friend, is the Hospital of the Glorious Revolution"
"So we are in Russia?"
"No, Milton Keynes, it just looks like Russia."
"Well that would account for the Bleeps at the start of the Chapter."
"Da."

Ginger lapsed over to his other state - not conscious.

When Biggles finally came round, he noticed: A SMALL PIECE OF WIRE
THREE ORANGES
ALGY
GINGER
DR. SONOVOBITCHIKVICOV
NURSE CUNTNBOTTOMLYOVIK

What next? EXAMINE WIRE

Biggles noticed that the wire had a small piece of paper attached to it.

What next? READ PAPER

The paper reads "Biggles, your task is to get out of hospital and show the second world war for what it is. That done, you are to go over to Germany and start a proper war. Try not to let the Yanks take too much credit though!. This message will self destruct in ten seconds.". Bit long this message!

What next? TAKE ORANGES THEN GET OUT OF BED

Nurse Cuntnbottomlyovik tries to hold you down, but being a complete and utter git come sexist, you smash her in the teeth. Falling to the ground, a small set of keys appear.

What next? EXAMINE KEYS AND TAKE THEM

The keys have on them a small tag saying "airyplane keys". You take them and go over to Algy and Ginger.

What next? GET ALGY AND GINGER THEN LEAVE

You just about manage to do this before the note explodes.

You are in a corridor leading N/S. To the south is an air field

What next? N

You are in a military supplies room. You can see:

VARIOUS NAUGHTY TYPE GUNS
VARIOUS AMMUNITION FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE GUNS
A BOX OF ORANGES

What next? TAKE GUNS, GIVE ONE TO ALGY, ONE TO GINGER.

Done.

What next? TAKE AMMO AND DO THE SAME

Done.

What next? TAKE ORANGES

Done.

What next? PEAL ORANGE

The orange starts to hiss

What next? DROP ORANGE

Done.

What next? S

You are in a N/S Corridor, a door lies to the east

What next? S

You are on an air field. You can see:

A LOAD OF COMMIES COMING TOWARDS YOU
AN AIRYPLANE

What next? BOARD PLANE THEN SHOOT COMMIES

You are in the plane. The question remains though on why you want to kill them commies. They are waving Union Jacks at you and yelling fairwell Capt. Bigglesworth. You see the hospital exploding.

What next? KILL COMMIES

They're dead. Christ you are a complete BASTARD aren't you!!

What next? START PLANE

You start the plane and take off.
Well done, you have complete this part.


Biggles, knowing what to do, now had to set about attempting it. But he had not considered one problem. The author of this text didn't actually know what the fuck to write about and so while listening to a pirated Doctor Who tape, hit upon an idea. The idea hit him back. After exchanging a few more thumps and kicks and the odd head butt, the idea was changed a bit and then genetically mutated. But in principal, the idea still follows along the same lines.

Unfortunately, for copyright reasons, the rest of this chapter has had to be terminated.

B Hut stood there in the mist. Home for many years of the famous three but now had a statuary demolition order standing on it - much to the annoyance of the hut which had a small corn on one of its feet and the extra pressure made it hurt!.

From out of this mist came a figure. One small man, made even smaller by the heavy weight on his back in the form of some mail bags. He approached the house, sought the front door, found it, knocked, scratched his bum a bit ('cos it itched a bit and not for any sexually deviant purposes), then waited for a reply. But there was nothing. Although he did notice another being coming towards him. To relieve himself, the postman put down his large sack for B Hut. He grew another foot and a half!!. The figure still approached.

Suddenly there was a blinding flash and the man who was coming towards him found himself being arrested - bloody perverts!

But to the postman's suprise, the policeman, when he put his hand on the flashers shoulder, just evapourated into a small green lump called David which just waddled off singing "I've got a luverly bunch of Cocedynuts". The flasher carried on towards B Hut and eventually he reached Mr Posty.

On the arrival of the strange flasher, the Postman tried to address him thus:

"Captain Bigglesworth? Captain James T Bigglesworth? Winner of the best dressed pilot for six years running and man who invented the funniest joke about the size of Hitler's Bollocks which has just been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Dirty Jokes?. Man who has taken the virginity off many a girl and is said to give the best lay for 1000 miles around and well known Crout Killer?"
"No." replied the flasher
"Oh then You must be one of his mates, Frank 'Ginger' Jones or Algernon Pilot. Both men of extreme bravery, cunning and complete utter nob jobs who's relationship to each other is to say the least dubious."
"Nope" replied the flasher again
"Then who the bugger are you?"
"I've been sent from Major Wufta to help the three and become another crew member. Who are you?"
"I'm the postman you dickhead!"
"So you are!. I didn't realise due to the fact that most postmen don't were size 9 Chucka boots, black fishnet stockings and a large pink tutu!. Man, you have style!"
"Do you have a key?"
"For what?"
"The door"
"What door?" cranked the pervert at a strange speed
"The door in the front of B Hut"
"B Hut?" popped the perv
"Yes, this shed behind us!"
"What shed?" murbled Pervy at differing pitches
"This, look you moron, do you have a key to enter this hut or are you just going to stand out here until you freeze your bollocks off?"
"Squozz frumppy quirtk off" statically said the pervert
"I beg your..."
"You heard, Fazz fripp off" said the perv, who started to fizz and spark out of one ear
"Are you okay?"
"Flortumy Zppydy do dar, Meng Pink Ping Zzzzzzzzzzim!" flashed the strange pervert whose eyes were now flashing green, orange and then a funny hue of what can only be described as an uncolour!
"Obviously not!" muttered the Postman as he left the strange pervert with the large sack of mail for Biggles.

From up above came a roaring sound which suddenly stopped, but this is what it sounded like inside the cockpit.

"I say Algy, get some bally clothes on this instant" said Biggles
"Shan't" replied Algy
"Look there's a bit of rough air coming up"
"That's it then!"
"What's 'it then'?"
"I'm definitely not putting my clothes back on!"
"Why not man?"
"I like a bit of rough!"

Suddenly from the back of the plane, Ginger spoke

"Biggles you old snot bag"
"Yes Ginge you snozwangler"
"Bit of a problem back here"
"Still got piles then Ginger?"
"No, it's harder than that"
"Give it a rub, it'll soon go down"
"No sir, it's not my thingy"
"Then what is it"
"Have you noticed anything?"
"As in what?"
"The sound of the engines?"
"Yes, I must congratulate the mechanics for such a wonderful job on putting some new sound blockers. Almost silent"
"Try completely silent as in not moving or working at all"
"Oh bum"
"And unless we take some action now, then we'll crash again"
"Well what do you suggest?"
"We could just end this chapter here"
"Would that work?"
"Dunno, try it."
"Okay."

It didn't work!

B Hut was quite a nice little hut. It served both Algy, Ginger and Biggles as a church, mess and a pack of cards, though as a pack of cards, it was slightly unportable! (that combined with the fact that there was only one B hut and a pack of cards needs 52 of them, then it must be said as a pack of cards it was slightly limited!!).

Biggles, after finding a seat, sat down, then sat up, stood up, stood down, stood left, sat down, sat downer (he missed the seat) stood back up, turned around, let one rip and sat down again, but stood up very rapidly when he found that he had sat back down on Algy. Algy, not objecting to this, made himself more comfortable in the hope that someone else may think that he was just a comfy chair. Biggles sat down again, sat up again, sat up, sat right, sat left and then sitting right again crossed his legs. Bally toilet was out of order!

Suddenly Ginger opened the door of the wooden B Hut and spouted some gibberish which didn't make much sense to anybody there but I have it on great authority from a leading Freudian that it means the diameter of the speakers prick is directly proportional to the small intestines of the Renault 5TL's carburettors (in other words very thick but also completely shite!)

"Biggles, Algy, I have something to say to you"
"Go on then" replied Biggles and Algy
"It's just that when the left hand side of the equation relating the futility of the small furry blobs found in your belly button when divided by the frequency time curve of the word 'Nurgler' in the English language dictionary all over 3 is exactly equal to the some of the two squares on either edge of a 96 sided polygon which has the complete circumference of the total minus 6, but only when you take PI to equal 22 over 7!. The right hand side, however doesn't" completed Ginger triumphantly (and rather out of breath to boot!)

There was then a small pause which only lasted a small length of time. This pause was soon to be broken by a noise. It was rather a loud noise but still, it did break the silence. The noise sounded exactly like this:

"Bollocks it does!" yelled back Algy
"What!" cried back Ginger
"Well look, old chap, just take a look at the first part of the basic sum, you have made the simple mistake of not introducing the simple quibble quoblle quig of the smal plithy pli plethora of the nimb namf noog"
"Darn! I didn't see that!" said Ginger who now stood corrected and then shamefully left when Biggles looked up knowing that Biggles would be upset at making such a basic error in such a simple piece of mathematics.

Just then there was a knock at the door. Another silence ensued upon B Hut. Nothing moved. Well obviously there was some movement. Look it is impossible to stop the individual molecules of air moving around or the processes of like such as fungal reproduction or some sort of unconscious nervous muscle contraction, but no obvious physical movements such as someone trying to beat seven bells out of a small twatter called Mike.

"Who's there?" suddenly but commandingly said Biggles
"Fizz Pop Crackle Gwark Mivsp Mivsp Badow Clunk" replied a voice
"What did he say?" whispered Algy

But Biggles wasn't going to answer the question as he was already halfway to the door and was at the time talking out loud;

"It's okay chaps, it's out new crew member". He then opened the door and in wobbled a hunk of steaming iron bits, semi melted plastic and large lump of broken wires.
"You look in a bad way old chap" said Algy
"Grappf Cranj"
"Talks a bit funny doesn't he?" said Ginger to Biggles

Biggles for some strange reason was upset by the last utterance of his colleague Ginger. Why was he thinking along the lines of being nice to all members of the human race regardless of ethnic origin, language, creed or colour. Except for the Germans. Bastards!. Destroying all of those nice Jews who have done nothing to anyone else so as to upset them. Biggles just couldn't understand it. He put it down to either the green gas issuing forth from the strange looking creature or the drugs he had been given (The Hate the Foreigners Drug or HFG) by British High Command were now wearing off. He fell over.

Ginger looked down at the twitching Biggles. A bit worried by the sight, he called Algy over but Algy didn't come over, he just turned his head as said;
"Leave him alone Ginge, he's enjoying himself, just turn down the vibrator down a notch or two"
"But he's not wearing it!"
"And how would you know?" asked Algy sarcastically
"Because I'M wearing it!"
"No your not!" commanded back Algy

It was true. Algy had it on. What Ginger had thought was Biggles's vibrator was in matter of fact his Sony Walkman. A tug of the cord proved this as he felt something heavy fall onto his foot. This was not suprising as the buckle was broken but what was suprising was the noise coming from Biggles as he finally got up.

"I've got a luverly bunch of cokedynuts - they're all shmelly and pink!" gibbered Biggles who was now quite happily sitting in the corner and foaming at the mouth
"Fzazz pripp kinky fruitwobblesplat" crackled the machine in unison.

Ginger called Algy over to have a good look at the two gibbering messes. After a couple of minutes laughing, poking, prodding and being generally not very nice to Biggles and the machine, Ginger spoke:

"I say Algy, this story is becoming very silly isn't it"
"Yes and to make it even worse, is that it is boring"
"What do you say that we go on strike until we get a new writer"
"Okay"
"When shall we start?"
"How about now?"
"Okay"

Authors note: Due to unforeseen problems with the main storyline and two of the main characters being on strike, it has been decided to not carry on until the dispute is over. Until then, some music.

Authors note II: This chapter has been suspended until the dispute has been resolved. The talks are continuing at rather rapid rate but only because the cassette is on fast music search. Until the dispute has finished, here is the test card and some more of that terrible music (you know the sort, so bad that not even Kylie Minogue would use it and that's saying something!)

Authors note III: I'm sorry about this, it is terribly embarrassing for me. Anyway, the discussions are still in progress and a solution could be insight, but only if I take off my sunglasses and open my eyes!!!

Five minutes later (after the strike).......

Biggles sat up and scratched his bum. Well it was what he thought to be his bum, but he couldn't quite be sure as to whether it was his botty or not as it felt pretty cold.

"Algy? Ginger? Bertie?" called out Biggles

But there was no answer. Little wonder really as there was nobody in B Hut. Biggles stood up and looked around. Well he would have if he could see. The problem was this: to Biggles there was a complete absence of any light at all. The fact that outside it was cracking the flags, melting the runway and making highly flammable substances go pop had nothing to do with it. Biggles couldn't see. Then an idea came to Biggles.

Biggles walked over to were the primitive telephone should have been, but in the absence of any sort of light, the captain couldn't see which way he was going, and ended up in the corner of the room which he thought was the telephone corner but was in fact the cleaning corner were Algy had left the Iron out.

The captain reached down and picked up what he thought was the telephone, put it to his ear and started to dial the electricity company when he felt a bit odd, and what was worse was that there was a funny smell.....

Biggles gave a sniff. Quite a small one at first, followed by a larger sniff which would be considered quite enough if smelling a good wine. Then came another slightly deeper and quicker sniff and finally quite a large roomy blast which would normally be kept behind for Christmas Dinner Pussy Sniffing. Now what was that smell?. It reminded Biggles of Cooking Pork and Hair. Funny combination.

Suddenly there was light. Bright Light. Very bright light. Bugger me, this was a bright light. After a second a single noise came from Biggles after pulling away the source of the heat and smell:

"Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

followed by

"That's better. I must remember to see it is open eyes before looking!. Now were are the chaps?."

The answer to the last question was very simple as stuck to the door in large friendly letters was a message which read thus:

"To Sqd Ldr Bigglesworth J3832401. Dear Biggles, I just thought to tell you that we are in the deep shit as all three of us seem to have been captured by some Krauts. Personally, I blame the author as we went on strike at the end of Chapter 5!. Anyway, that aside, will you please come and rescue us. Our address is 22 The Bladders, West Krompf, Germany W3."
"I wonder what that could mean?" thought Biggles. Suddenly the telephone rang and this time he raced to were it was and not were he thought it was last time.

On picking it up, the telephone spoke:

"It means you dickhead that we the grrrrrrreat Gerrrrrrrman Airrrrrrr Forrrrrrrrce has kidnapped yourrrrrr frrrrrrriends and have them prrrrrrissonerrrrrrs"
"Okay." replied Biggles
"Well, what arrrrrre you going to do you English Pig Dog?"
"Make a cup of tea, have an early night and then maybe have a dump in the morning."
"Fairrrrrr enough" replied the German at the other end.

Biggles put down the phone, made a cup of tea and then reclined into his favourite chair for a nice long evening.

That was at 7pm.

By 9 the following morning, Biggles was getting a bit bored. Then an idea struck him. Not very hard at first, so it struck again and then again. Finally it got so bored that it gave Biggles two left jabs, an upper cut and finally a kick in the groin. It was obvious.

"I know, I'll go and rescue the chaps that should be good for a laugh!". And off he went on his epic journey. One which would mean another load of money for Capt W.E. Jones and another kick in the teeth for me when someone discovers who wrote this rubbish!

The German cell which was now home for Algy, Ginger and what was left of a now rapidly disintergrating Bertie, had been quite nice the night before and to make things even better, they had gotten to be quite friendly with a number of the Guards but now there was to be something different. Not since their recruit training at RAF Swinderby (A smile, a song and a bollocking) would they to subjected to what was about to happen. It was early and one of the evil Hun approached the cell.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. Ze Colonel vishes to zee you NOW!"
"Okay you bally smelly Kraut, but you won't get anything more than our names, ranks, serial numbers and inside leg measurements" replied Algy defiently.
"Zat iz for uz to find out"
"Look here old flotzumdanger" said Ginger
"Ya"
"Why don't you bally well talk English you smelly old scrote?"
"Becauze I am za Gerrrrrrrrrrman Stereo Type and so muzt zpeak zis vay"
"Fine."
"Now follow me."

The German unlocked the cell door and out filed Algy, Ginger and however much of Bertie as Ginger could drag.

The walk to the office inwhich they were to be tortured took quite a while to complete but for foot after foot after piece of wire and melted plastic, the three and Herr Kraut walked, doing nothing other than whistling and walking (and not even always in that order!), but they soon arrived and were taken to their captor.

"Now you silly English men, tell me why you are here"
"Algernon Pilot, Group Captain, K8321567, 37½ inches"
"Frank Jones, Air Captain, L52438912, 38 inches"
"Frobwangzzzzzzip Kapzapzapzap, R324fizpop, Huithuitpinl, 42 inches"
"That is not what I asked for. Now I want to know why you are here."
"Algernon Pilot, Group Captain, K8321567, 37½ inches"
"Frank Jones, Air Captain, L52438912, 38 inches"
"Frobwangzzzzzzip Kapzapzapzap, R324fizpop, Huithuitpinl, 42 inches"
"Look if you don't tell me, then I'll start to torture you all"
"Algernon Pilot, Group Captain, K8321567, 37½ inches"
"Frank Jones, Air Captain, L52438912, 38 inches"
"Frobwangzzzzzzip Kapzapzapzap, R324fizpop, Huithuitpinl, 42 inches" they all replied excitedly
"Right then. Herr Vonn Slapper, nail them to the wall by their ears, nose and throats, they'll soon talk!!!"

After twenty minutes of nailing (it would have only taken five minutes but Algy complained that they hadn't done it right - seven times!) the three were on the wall. I say that the three were on the wall, well it was more like two and a couple of pieces of narled metal with several tonnes of wire hanging out of it. But the worst was to come.

"Oh by the way" started the Chief Kraut, "Your friend Herr Bigglesworth won't be able to make the gig today due to the fact that we have pinched the spark plugs out of his pocket and hidden them in the engine so he won't be able to find them. Now tell me why you are here."
"Algernon Pilot, Group Captain, K8321567, 37½ inches"
"Frank Jones, Air Captain, L52438912, 38 inches"
"Frobwangzzzzzzip Kapzapzapzap, R324fizpop, Huithuitpinl, 42 inches"
"Oh come on chaps, be a sport" pleaded the kraut
"Algernon Pilot, Group Captain, K8321567, 37½ inches"
"Frank Jones, Air Captain, L52438912, 38 inches"
"Frobwangzzzzzzip Kapzapzapzap, R324fizpop, Huithuitpinl, 42 inches"
"Right then, Herr Shlapper, take them down and send them Lufftwafe Svinderby. See how they like it there!!!"

Biggles on the other hand and leg, had decided once and for all that he would have to go and rescue his chums and finally do what he had been instructed to do in the middle of the second chapter which for those with out the aid of the new bifocal telescopic and variable focus eye balls, said, well why the fuck should I tell you, you should be able to remember that far back, that is unless you have the storage capacity of a can of 7 Up!

Donning his new flying suit, (a marvellous silk creation made by Yves Selett - Fashion designer and car dismantler - with green satin ribbons which seemed just to float off the side holdings which incidentally had been originally made of leather, but the fabric contrast was too crap to be believed), Biggles walked out of B Hut and locked the front door and proceeded to the aeroplane. He climbed aboard and was about to start the engine when he was stricken with paranoia.

"Have I turned off the lights?" thought Biggles.

And for the next fifteen minutes, Biggles followed the same procedure of QUESTION, dunno the answer, climb down out of the plane, walk back to B Hut, unlock the door, check the question, relock B Hut, walk back to the plane, climb up into the plane, put the key in the ignition, start to turn the key, QUESTION and so on until he had finished all of the questions and finally took off.

The flight was scheduled to take at the most an hour but at an altitude of 1000ft, Biggles noticed a large light coming from out of the East where B Hut is or was at least.

"Oh SHIT!, I'd left the gas on!" exclaimed Biggles, "Bloody insurance job that."

The night just happened to be a quiet night on the German base. The camp was not so much a concentration camp, more a lack of concentration camp!. The design was so poor that the front doors opened on to the back gardens and the main barrack windows were just in the firing line of the rifle range. It was a cold place (even after some poor unsuspecting member of the German Air Force regiment had inadvertently set light to the guard room) with very little to do. The library consisted of 3 books : Killing for pleasure (for the high ups), How to cook (for the canteen) and Peter and Jane book 3a (for the Regiment).

Ginger, Algy and Bertie had to escape. For the moment, it was not possible due to them being locked in the Guard room (recently re-built) behind 3inch thick iron bars and solid stone walls. Still they had a plan. Not an everyday one, no, a very cunning and subtle one. So cunning was it that it could have been awarded a doctorate in Cunningness at the University of Cunning, Milton Keynes. But it was secret so nyer!

Biggles, on the other hand, ear, tooth and kneecap, had more of a problem. You see he had been spotted in the air by the British high command (who, if you can remember, had stage managed the entire affair to claim on the insurance) and they were sore pissed off because of it. Squadron 4 of the Royal Silly Buggers were now on a mission. Intercept and destroy Squadron Leader James T. Bigglesworth - a bit daft really as Squadron 4 of the Royal Silly Buggers just happened to be the one Biggles looked after (c'est la vie - or words to that effect!)

The chaps of Squadron 4 had been scrambled at dawn to intercept Biggles, who in his familiar 'plane was quite easy to identify. He had painted it bright green with the word "FRIEND" written on both sides so as to be reckonised. The leader of the Squadron in the absence of Biggles was a singularly silly man by the name of Bobby Blurt (so called because of a rather nasty personal habit of his!). He rode his kite slightly worse than a drunken darlek would a dustbin.

In the 3-4-3 formation, the 9 kites took to the air and flew at full pelt towards the fast moving Biggles. Biggles, on the other hand, was fast asleep at the controls having had not much to do for the past couple of paragraphs!. Air silence was to be maintained at all costs. This was due to the commands of Major Wufta. Well, the actual plan was to broadcast the World Service over the intercom but as at the time of interception it was going to be about midday, the silly twit incharge decided not to as most of his chaps would stop to listen to I.T.M.A!

Back at Svinderby......

Algy looked up. He was getting used to this as at the time he was trying to reconstruct Bertie. Ginger was quietly sucking his thumb. Or at least he thought it was his thumb. It was infact a widget which Algy had spent the last five minutes looking for!. Ginger spoke..

"I say Algy old chap"
"What is it Ginger?"
"How long are you going to be at fixing that dambed piece of junk?"
"As long as it takes. By the way?"
"What is it Algy?"
"What are you sucking?"
"Just the widget which you have been looking for for the past five minutes"
"How did you get it?"
"Dunno, the author must have put it there when I wasn't looking"

The two (and a small part of Bertie) looked up and yelled out of the page...

"CUNT!"

after that short explosion of violent language, Bertie spoke. It was quite a suprise to the chaps as they had for the most part forgotten how he spoke due to the fact that i decided to make him into a robot.

"Wie haßen sie?" asked the deranged robot
"Sorry" exclaimed Algy
"Spracken sie Deutshen?" enquired Bertrant Robert Ot
"Sounds a bit like bally crout to me Algy old chap" replied Ginger to one side
"Sind sie telefonnenumbre?" blurted out the machine
"Lost me there old bean" curtly said Algy and Ginger in a two octave tune

At this point the stupid machine blew another chip (ooooooerrrrrrr!!!!) and went phut. Ginger looked at Algy. Algy looked back at Ginger. Ginger blinked but then resumed his looking at Algy. Algy, not to be out done by Ginger, stopped looking, blinked, scratched his eyelid, re-opened the other eyelid and finally resumed his look at Ginger.

Ginger had fallen asleep. Not supriseing really as it was now 23:59 hrs and they had been up since 01:16 hrs - the previous week!

Biggles was in a bit of the old brown stuff as Billy Blurt (acting head of Sqd. 4 and all-round wanker) had decided to change the plan of Major Wufta. Instead of being nice, he had a personal vendetta against Biggles. It seems that a few years ago, both Biggles and Blurt had been going for the head of Squadron 6 (otherwise known as "the lazy bastards who enjoy watching paint dry"). Neither one got the job, but due to circumstances beyond his self control, Biggles decided to play a jolly RAF prank. He threw a fart WITH sound which Billy recieved the blame. Three weeks of jolly jankers and Billy had a BIG chip on his shoulder - his jankers was to peel the potatoes!.

The new plan was to be beastly to Biggles and attack him with naughty type deading weapons. The 3-4-3 formation split up into a 2-4-3 (one had ditched, he had run out of unleaded - strange as planes don't run on unleaded!)

The only single open channel for conversation was opened by Billy to his leader Biggles. The conversation was brief.

"Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new beat?"
"Pardon" replied Biggles testilly
"Summer madness and the time is right, for dancing in the street"
"Silly bugger" Biggles said as he switched off the intercom what not and turned into the sun.

At 50,000ft no one can hear you scream............ (unless you are in the same place as the person screaming!)

Billy was a bit puzzled. One minute Biggles was there, the next a silly statement from the movie "Alien" appeared and then......no Biggles. Biggles was there. At that moment he was about 50ft from the rear of the daft bugger. Biggles let rip and then started to fire of his round, after that he shot the gun at Billy.

It is said that just before the moment of impact which causes death, time in relation to everything travels at twice the speed but with the effect of being three times as slow. Personally, I believe it is a load of crap - but having never been at the wrong end of a bullet - who am I to say!. Billy Blurt however, did (or will do by the end of this small insight into the inner mind of the loon writing this story!)

Biggles was, as you may gathered was somewhat of a mathematical genius. He knew after looking at his ammo gauge that at the most, he could afford to miss Billy twice if he was to hit the rest of the squadron.

The first bullet ricochetted of Billy's left hand wheel and harmlessly into the fuel tank of Michael "Mr Bendy" Hughes which subsequently went POP!.

One down, four left, one dud round (though Biggle's didn't know it yet) (Yes I do now - J.T. Bigglesworth) and only two other shells left.

"Hold on" said Biggles to himself after seeing the previous passage, "If I have only got two normal shells and one dudder (which I am not supposed to know about but do) but there are four left, then how have I enough ammo left to do the lot of them in"

A voice out of no-where suddenly piped up the following utterance

"I have a cunning plan......."

The first round was carefully aimed to shoot the wing of John "Backscratcher" Holmes and cause him to collide with Timothy "Smallman" Smallman (not a very good nickname that one was it?!). It didn't. You see, while the shot had been aimed, Billy had decided to blow that "great soft mother-fucker" out of the sky with a well aimed plasticine boomerang.

Meanwhile back at Luttwafte Svinderby......

"Ginger" enquired Algy
"What is it Algy old nicker nocker ninja?" replied Ginger
"I have just one question to ask, do you mind?"
"No. And that was your question. Now shut yer gob while I try to figure out what Bertie is saying to that naughty German"

Bertie was now talking fluent German to the Corporal on desk duty which was causing a bit of concern to Ginger and Algy. They seemed to be getting into a pickle and wished that Biggles would stop buggering around over Britain (which they had the sort of idea that he would be doing) and get here P.B.Q. (Pretty Bally Quick). At that moment, the ace German, Her Von Slapper Gezhundiet - or Fred as he was better known - entered the room.

Now Gezhundiet had always seen himself as a bit of an actor and so at the start of his speechs or on his enterance, he had the annoying habit of either giving stage directions or yelling "CUT" at which everyone promptly ignored him.

(Door opens. Enter Gezhundiet. SFX Thunder and Lightning. He walks to the desk and stops) Gezhundiet : So you are ze English pig-dog elephant sheep hog prisoners (he slaps Algy about the face with his glove)
"Yes we are you smeggy bastard. Now you will not get anything other than our names, ranks, religeon and inside leg measurements" said Algy (after getting his face slapped by this ham of a General)
Gezhundiet : (to Corporal - quietly) Is this all you can get out of them? (looks at Algy and Ginger who are making silly
faces at Gezhundiet) "Ya meinen General" replied the Corporal who was at this point trying to save his bollocks by not laughing his head of at Gezhundiet. (Gezhundiet moves past the desk towards Algy and Ginger who are U.S.L. and pokes Ginger in the gut with his walking stick. He turns on his own heel. SFX Fingernails on blackboard. VFX Lightning outside windows with wind. SFX Hard Rain) Gezhundiet : (To Ginger) I suppose zat you think that your friend Biggles will be coming to get you. But I (pause) Ze Great Gezhundiet (SFX Lightning) have gotten news fer you. He iz dead and will not be coming to save you. (Turns towards Algy) So as you can see, there is no point in being this silly. Help me and you will recieve your Equity card by Monday morning I promise (smiles. Turns to walk off, trips. Legs go Arse over Tit showing that Algy had tied his shoe laces together. Gets up. Angrily. SFX Lightning) You will pay for that. (SFX Cash register) Ta!. (SFX Tinned laughter. Cuts off short. Leaves S.R.).

Is Biggles dead?
Will this bloody story ever end?
Can you be bothered reading on?
Will Algy and Ginger ever escape?

If you are bothered, then turn the page otherwise FUCK OFF. Go on, sling your hook. I don't need your custom around here you, you EXCREMENT. By the way, it was me who was sleeping with your wife and pissed in your petrol tank. Just thought I'd let you know!!!

Authors note : This is the end of this page!.

Kirk stood on the galant bow of the USS Enterprise. About him stood his erstwhile crew. Mr Spock, the tall, strange and yet fair Vulcan (who everyone trusted as far as they could spit a pound weight of pig-iron as he was always considered to be a foreigner!). Dr 'Bones' M^cCoy, trusted companion, crew's doctor and usually stoned out of his skull due to his intimate knowledge of alien substances which he had managed to smuggle aboard. Lt Uhura, the oblig Nig. Everyone wondered how she obtained the name Uhura. Some reckoned it was due to the vicar being drunk the night before and so paying for his excesses on the day of the christening. The less likely of reasons was that Uhura was the family name. But as we all know, that could only be considered utter bollocks. I mean, have you ever tried to trace the parentage of anyone back more than 5 generations.

Bloody difficult I can tell you.

The rest of the multi-national crew of Checkov (the slimey Commie bastard who every body hated the guts out of), Scotty (a broad Brummy who had to develop a Scotish accent for the part - but never really suceeded), Mr Chen (the nip - or as he was better known, that yellow, slanty eyed bastard).

Suddenly, from behind the comfy chair which Kirk was sitting on, a door opened. It was a badly made one (made in the EEC). Three seconds after opening, the sound engineer played the sound effect for opening but before it reached the end, the effect for the door being closed has to be played. From out of the portal, Bones emerged. He stumpled down and fell over the railing which had been welded to the floor by Mr Ivor Sillyname (no relation except by birth). After standing up, Bones spoke.

"Jees, that is some heavy shit man!" before collapesing into a heap. The heap didn't enjoy it and so threw Bones of itself but not before poking Bones in the knee.

Something was puzzleing Captain Kirk. It was simple. What was he doing in a story about Biggles?. Why had he been called up?. Spock spoke....

"Captain, I think I have an answer to your problem"
"Go on Mr Spock"
"It's just that when the left hand side of the equation relating the futility of the small furry blobs found in your belly button when divided by the frequency time curve of the word 'Nurgler' in the English language dictionary all over 3 is exactly equal to the some of the two squares on either edge of a 96 sided polygon which has the complete circumference of the total minus 6, but only when you take PI to equal 22 over 7!."
"Bollocks it is!" said Checkov
"No it isn't!" complained Mr Spock.
"It is. And besides, you've just copied that off page 15! You un-original bastard!" retorted Kirk.

Spock looked ashamed. He had made the same error as Ginger had done.
As he was about to give himself a Vulcan death grip due to the embarresment, Uhura spoke.

"Captain. Incoming"
"Incoming what?"
"Dunno, I'm so stupid that I could only remember the words 'Captain. Incoming'!"
"Dozy cow" tittered Scotty who had just appeared from out of no-where
"No I am NOT" cried Uhura
"Lt. Uhura stop crying, you stupid bitch and tell me what is incoming"
"How should I know what was incoming"
"You read the Auto-Cue like the rest of us PAGE 31 K/U" said Kirk, quickly followed by "So what was incoming?"
"Just a radio message"
"Yeeeesssssssss?" the rest of the crew of the deck said in unison
"But I couldn't make it all out"
"Dippy moo!" burbled Bones between pretending that he was a very poor tin opener (It was a visual act which was VERY funny!)
"So what could you make out?" screamed Kirk uncharacteristically
"Just that there was someone called 'Biggles' out there wanting to talk to you."
"In other words, you could make out every word which came over the airways"
"Yes" replied Uhura bluntly
"Well, in that case," said Kirk pulling out his phasor "I going to have to shoot you"
"Isn't that a bit extreme?" asked Spock
"Piss off pointy ears" came back Kirk's reply along with a bolt from his phasor which narrowly hit Spock between the eyes.
"CAPTAIN" shouted Checkov
"What do you want Mr Commie?"
"It's Checkov Captain"
"Another message"
"It better be a good 'un"
"Coming up on the screen. It has been censored by the computer, translated into a known language and transcribed onto the screen for you to read. Oh and by the way"
"Yes" replied Kirk with all due apprehension
"It's just that when the left hand side of the equation relating the futility of the small furry blobs found in your belly button when divided by the frequency time curve of the word 'Nurgler' in the English language dictionary all over 3 is exactly equal to the some of the two squares on either edge of a 96 sided polygon which has the complete circumference of the total minus 6, but only when you take PI to equal 22 over 7!. And I should know, you have just proved it by shooting Spock."
"You argueing with an officer?" asked Kirk
"No" replied Checkov realising how much shit he was now in "Right then, relay the message"

The computer (ZX81) sprang to life, and printed out on the screen what the conversation between Biggles and the star-ship Enterprise had been.

MESSAGE FROM UNKNOWN ALIEN TO U.S.S. ENTERPRISE....
SQUADRON LEADER JAMES T. BIGGLESWORTH OF THE ROYAL AIR FORCE CALLING THE CAPTAIN OF THE STAR SHIP U.S.S. ENTERPRISE. COME IN ENTERPRISE. LOOK, FOR &*&*'S SAKE, ANSWER THIS &*&*&*G INTERCOM WILL YOU. I NEED YOUR HELP. YANKS, ALWAYS &*&*&*G LATE. LOOK, TO SAVE YOU ANYMORE HASSLE, I SHOULD WATCH OUT, THERE IS A SPITFIRE COMING INTO YOUR HELM IN ABOUT SIX LINES FROM HERE. OH, AND BY THE WAY, PLEASE TELL SCOTTY HE HAS BAD BREATH!. IT'S 5 LINES NOW
MESSAGE ENDS......
4/110 OUT OF MEMORY ERROR"

"TAKE EVASIVE ACTION. RED ALERT" shouted Kirk after this warning.

Uhura spoke again

"Another message sir. It's coming onto the screen now"

At that moment, the front end of a certain Spitfire came through the screen of the Enterprise who, it must be said, was fucking unlucky to be travelling throught the Earths exact trejectory at such a point in time.

"But what is the message?" asked Kirk

A figure came out of the cockpit. It stood there in the mist, saluted, farted and finally said "Hello. I'm Billy". But before being able to complete his surname, rank or number, Billy was blasted down in a hail of laser fire. This accompanied by the Enterprise crashing into a mountain.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE READ THIS FAR. AN OBE IS ON IT'S WAY AS I WRITE (AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT.........)