Please note. These characters are based on the original ones created by Rev. Arnald Q. Vlefugumpquazitomps III Jnr in the year in which he invented them and as with "The Party" this carries the warning that offensive and general naughty types of words are used in the text. So if you are easily offended by them, then overtype "****" where you see them.

Don't bother noting this bit down. The Biggles character was written by Rev Arnald Q. Vlefugumpquazitomps III Snr. and not as first stated by Rev. Arnald Q. Vlefugumpquazitomps III Jnr as this is a physical impossibility. Thank You.

It was a clear moonlight night in the year 1944 when Capt. J.T. Bigglesworth, Algy (his co-pilot) and Ginger (the navigator), were flying home after just blasting several tonnes of shit out of the Crouts across the crystal blue seas. Though at the time, the seas weren't actually blue as it was night, so it was more like a silver black, you know the sort, like when you have to get your stash from out of the toilet and some bastards just done a Mr Whippy in the bog and even though he's flushed, the reminents of the Curry and Guiness mix had a will to live which was stronger than the pull of water.

Their mission was the typical mission, go over an blast crap out of the Crouts, but as Ginger and Algy were at the time indulged in something obscene and not to mention illegal or to say the least a bit naughty, the crew on the B29 Cocston and Thrasher Biplane had completely missed the target, though Algy and Ging hadn't. So on the way back, for a bit of a lark, went and dropped their bombs on the muddy, silvery blackness of the blue water, hitting two of our boats and one submarine, and one just missing Major Ivor Incredibly Enormous Knob (who had for many years been used as a take off strip and light-house). Unfortunately, Biggles had been spotted (he'd had Chicken Pox before).

When the terrible trio came down to earth, a memorandum was on the mess desk, which in turn were on a dusty floor as Algy had gone on strike because "he wanted more", the only thing with Algy was that not much could be left to the imagination of what more he actually wanted.

Biggles was the first into B hut, but because of the time, was to fucked to be bothered reading it, though if truth be told, he couldn't read and it was only because he had vast amounts of money, could get himself through flying school but the truth was not to be told as it would ruin the plot of a different story "Biggles writes a story for a dirty magazine" which is of course a different matter.

Next into the room was Algy, who at the time was going doggy for Ginger who seemed to be trying to get infront of Algy by bumping into him. From what Biggles could see, it looked like a free for all.

"I say you chaps, hurry up and shut that bally door" cried Biggles

When the two had "come" into the room, Biggles hated that, even though the two finally managed to get in, they left horrible messy streaky bits across the floor which took ages to get off as it tended to sink into the dust wooden floor of B hut, Biggles continued speaking in the following manner - he opened and closed his muscular jaw and noises came out - which incidentally sounded like this :

"There's a note thingy on the table, read it someone"

Algy hobbled over to the table, his inside leg was still a bit sore and wet, and with a little difficulty picked up the note, then dropped it, stooped over, picked it up again, fell out of his mitt, bent over, picked up the note, dropped it because his kecks split, picked it up again, straightened up, let go of the note, picked i up again, but this time by a different corner and promptly let go to blow his nose. The next time he went to pick up the note, he tried it a different way. He got Ginger to pick it up and give it to him, which Ginger did. But Ging's hands, while being large but gentle, tended to be hot and sweaty and so the Algy didn't quite get hold of the note.

The note, was now on the floor, then into mid air because of a draught coming from under the floor boards, when in mid air both Algy and Ginger started to grab at the paper but to no great avail.

Biggles got up and snatched the paper from out of mid air and stuffed it into Gingers warm, wet hands and asked him to start reading.

Ginger started, then stopped when he remembered that even though he had a degree in Astro Physics and 523462574 GCE passes at both A and O level (all grade A) in all possible sciences and life, he had omitted to take any sort of reading lessons, so the note was given to Algy. This time, Algy gripped the paper, if not a bit too hard as there was a small rustling then a slight tearing noise emanated from his wrist as he put his fingers through it. Biggles had become a bit pissed off at Algy and decided to put the problem to rest.

Biggles snatched the paper from Algy and nailed it to the table whilst making sure that he could see the communique from HQ. The nails were of the iron sort and in length measured 6 inches. Then, grabbing Algernon by the bollocks, pulled him over to the paper and told him to read it. It read thus:

To Captain James T Bigglesworth, Algernon Pilot and Frank "Ginger" Jones :

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?. THE GERMAN TOWN IN GERMANY WE TOLD YOU TO BOMB SHIT OUT HAS JUST PHONED UP AND BLEW A RASPBERRY AT US!. AND WHY HAS THE NAVY JUST BEEN IN TOUCH (EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS THE NAVY HAS BEEN TOUCHED FOR YEARS!) AND TOLD US THAT YOU WERE DROPPING NAUGHTY TYPE BOMBS AT THEM?.
YOU'D BETTER REPORT TO ME AT 08:00 hrs TOMORROW OR I'LL KNOCK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.
LOVE, MAJOR WUFTA

"Oh shit!" said Ginger
"Wash your mouth out" exclaimed Biggles at Ginger's statement
"SHEEIIITTTT!!!" screamed Ginger
"Ginger, I won't have that sort of language in this wooden B hut" said Biggles
"Don't you realise what that wanker wants?"
"Yes, he wants to see us at 8am tomorrow. So?"
"Right. And guess what that bastard wants to do to us?"

At this, Algy's eyes lit up, but Biggles soon put them out with a left jab and two right hooks. At this Algy shot out with his amazing left hook which, instead of hitting the target of Biggles large, yet not too hooked, nose, instead went smack, plump between the eyes of his chum, Ginger who fell back dazed and fell down with what could only be described as a dull thud, followed by another couple of duller thuds as the rest of Gingers bodily bits fell to the hard ground.

It was precisely 07:35 (to the nearest possible second). Algy and Biggles got up, then went out of the door. Remembering that they weren't dressed, returned to the shack and got dressed then went out again. When the terrible duo (as Ginger hadn't quite got over the almighty hit yet) next looked at each other, they noticed that their standard RAF uniform wasn't the uniform which they normally wore. It was instead their rubber play outfits which was last worn the week before last. But it wasn't the sort of clothing which should be worn when addressing Major Wufta of the HQ who, too say the least, was easily excited by anything which was out of the normal or if it was rubber/leather/plastic/pvc etc, so they went back in and changed.

By this time, Ginger had woken up but had a black eye and sore botty (Biggles had wondered why Algy had woken up in such a good mood), and started to stagger around the room looking for his clothes which were in their normal position of covering the bottom door so as too keep out the drafts but he still wanted to know how he managed to get out of clothes when the last thing he could remember was giving Algy a cup of tea and getting something which felt like a mallet hit him between the eyes, then loads of stars and little tweety birds.

Biggles started when he realised that the time on the clock was fast approaching 8am. With a rush and whoosh of swift things going quite swiftly, Biggles, Algy and Ginger managed to get to some sort of resemblance of order to their obscure and generally very silly looking clothes and they all rush towards the door.

The ensuing push was pointless so Biggles suggested that they try to get out one at a time but didn't say who should go in front. The three bounded towards the door and again smashed into each other.

Algy then piped up that he would go first, this he did, but without great effect as when the three had fallen backwards, Ging had closed the door. Never mind, the door can be repaired. Algy on the other hand wasn't too pleased....

"You BASTARD!" cried Algy who was soothing his poor bonce
"It's your fault" murmured Ginger
"Bitch!"
"Cow!"
"Slut"
"Boff Head"
"Sunday Sport Reader!" exclaimed Algy

At this Biggles stepped in as the previous text had become pretty pointless and besides, what the bally hecks a Sunday Sport Reader?. Biggles had always thought that you looked at the Sport!.

It was fast approaching 9am by the time the three had gotten out of B hut and on their 'plane flying towards HQ.

"I say, you chaps," Said Capt J.T. Bigglesworth
"Yes" said Algy and Ginger as they climaxed
"I wish you wouldn't do that"
"Just because your frigid!" blurted out Ginger
"No it's not!" said Biggles sharply
"No, he's right." said Algy nicely, "It's because he's only got a 5 inch prick"
"Isn't!" rebuked Biggles
"Is so. I saw you measuring it."
"And what were you doing at the time?"
"Sucking it!" said Algy
"Oh yeah!." said Biggles followed by "Bastard" under his breath.

The plane landed on the runway at HQ. Ginger was the first to get out, followed by Algy and Biggles. The tarmac while being hard was not very clean. Ginger commented on this but wasn't heard because a plane went over head as he spoke.

HQ was a mess. And the secretary of Major Wufta announced their presence in a non too military fashion;

"Hey! Arse face" she said
"What slag bag?"
"Three dick heads to see you."
"Three?"
"Yeah sweat ball, three"
"You mean THREE?"
"Yeh, you know as in how many seconds it takes for you to cum"
"Oh, THREE"
"" (she said nothing)
"Well slut, show them in" he squealed.

Biggles, Algy and Ginger stomped into the room remembering to wipe their ears, nose and throat on the welcome mat. Major Wufta didn't get up out of his seat as he had sat on a tube of super glue.

Major Wufta was a small man with a large stomach and smelly breath. He had two different sized hands and three different sized legs. (No, that doesn't mean his instrument of pleasure, his leg had been broken off at the knee and because of the surgeon being a bit of a cowboy and smashed out of his skull, had sown it back at the top of his right leg, so he wasn't much at an arse kicking party.). The only redeeming factor was that he had a large wad of money.

"I say, Biggles. What's this I hear about you chaps dropping bombs on out planes?"
"We didn't"
"FUCK OFF YOU LYING BASTARD!"
"Pardon?!?" exclaimed Algy who was taken back at this
"You were seen by Capt. Knob who has just gotten out of hospital"
"Doing what?" asked Ginger going a little red in the face
"Dropping bombs on us"
"Oops!!!" squeaked Marilyn Monroe who is making a guest appearance in this chapter (courtesy of MGM Movies Ltd)
"What's she doing here?"
"Who gives a shit!. Come here, sit on my face and let me guess your weight!!!!." said Biggles

At this point, this has become very silly and sexist but I don't particulary care as I'm writing it. Suffice to say that after 10 or twenty minutes, Biggles, Algy and Ginger were put on suspension until either a cure was found or they were cleared. This they knew was not going to be done as they had a video camera (early as it was and the fact that they hadn't been invented for another 30 or so years) on to subsidise their new business in movies (including the smash hits Boys in Blue, Uniform Perks, My goodness that looks fun!, Wobbley William and Uniform Perks II)

A new plan was needed to make the Major see sense and this time large amounts of sex, violence and money weren't going to do much good.

Things were getting bad by the time Biggles had thought of a plan. Biggles was good at doing this. Though his plans never worked very well (or ever) they could be used as a good sense of fun. The idea was to get an atomic missile from America (though it had to be a small one, they'd use the excuse that they were Communist type Russians), then place it under the cover of darkness (which Algy knew could be bought for £1.50 a square yard at Harrods) under Wufta's chair then threaten to blow it up unless that dickhead revues the situation in favour of the terrible trio.

Algy looked at. Then laughed. At first it was a small titter. Then it changed in a giggle followed by a chuckle. The chuckle turned into a little laugh, then a medium size laugh. Then a laugh so big that it was last heard when someone said Ian Paisley thought before speaking. This roar turned into a laugh which made Algy go blue in the face and start to choke. Eventually he went into unconsciousness before he stopped laughing.

Next he showed it Ginger. He looked at Biggles. Biggles looked back at Ginger. In turn Ginger looked at Biggles with the sort of look in his eyes which said "WHAT THE BALLY HECK IS THAT?". Biggles looked back at him with eyes which seemed to say "IT'S A PLAN TO GET US A JOB BACK". The following glance could only say one thing "PISS OFF!". Biggles looked away and went to light a fag.

Unfortunately Ginger hadn't replenished the supply the poofs in the fag box. No problem - Light up a Russian!. Ouch!

Algy, after he had quite recovered, started to think. Then suddenly he struck upon an idea which should work. He had remembered what had been in the memo. He spoke (for which, everybody in the room cheered for no apparent reason)

"I say Biggles"
"Frank?" Said Biggles
"Frank?" replied Algy who was slightly confused at this
"Smithereen" interrupted Ginger into this inane jumble of rubbish
"Eh?" said Algy
"I want to play in the mud!!!" cried Biggles
"?!?" Ginger attempted to say but couldn't
"HOLD ON" ejaculated Algy
"Public Nuisance" said Ginger who was being silly
"Ginger" started Algy
"Yes Algy my dear chap?"
"I seem to have your teeth enprinted on by Right Boot"
"Say what? - GRUMPH! Wot de bally ell did you doo dat for?"
"Ten Quid"
"Okay" said Ginger, handing over the cash

Biggles while this was going on had started to indulge in his favourite of pastimes - picking his nose, rolling up the green crunchy bits and flicking them about with care free abandon, aiming mainly at a picture of Derek Hatton - or at least where a picture of him may have been if this had not been 1944!. These grotchies where to evolve into something thicker than their originals - that is Stock/Aitken/Waterman.

In essence, this is what Algy had said (with punctuation by Garnier, make up and hair by Vidal Sassoon and a large pile of sick or is that Kylie Minogue? by S.A.W.): The letter had said that the "town in Germany that you were supposed to bomb shit out of has just been on the phone and blown a raspberry at us." meaning that this war has been pre-arranged and not a first thought of because those bastard crouts had taken a summer holiday in Poland. Now to start the blackmail.

This is Liverpool city council (in association with Lambeth, London) here and we have just been told that you have used the word "BLACKMAIL" in this text. If this is true, please will you replace it with the word "DARKMAIL". If not, I personally will be roun there very quickly and start to beat you around the upper leg with a piece of knotted, wet string. Thank you.

The Author replies :- NO PISS OFF!

The Story Continues..........

It was left upto Ginger to attempt this pretty daring attack on British and German high command as he was the least important out of the three and besides, Algy and Biggles had gone out to find ou more about animal husbandry - even though they knew the practise was illegal and anyone found indulging in such an act was liable to be made a sailor!

Ginger picked up the telephone receiver and telephoned a friend who had yellow teeth, a bent snitch and the biggest pair of tits imaginable. She worked for a bunch of temps called "The Call Ups", a strange group of women who didn't seem to do much work, instead they just sat (or more often than not - laid down) doing nothing much. This is the call...

"Hello, Sabby?"
"Yeah" said Sabby
"Grunt Grunt" came a noise from the back round
"Ginge here. Look I need your help"
"Hit it."
"Yeah Yeah Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeem" screamed the unknown voice
"Finished?" said Sabby
"Yes. Can I try you a different way now?"
"Go on. But keep it quiet as I'm on the phone"
"But isn't that a bit uncomfortable?"
"One adapts!"

A short silence emanated from Gingers end then started by saying..

"Sabby?"
"Yea, you were saying"
"Fancy a job?"
"Blow, rear, military or missionary?"
"Nothing like that. I need you to find out some information"
"On why the Brits and Crouts know what's going on"
"How did you guess?"
"I've been reading this as it's been typed"
"Jolly Dee!. Now, how 'bout it"
"Not much choice really. If I said "no", I'll be written out."
"Good Girl"
"Hummmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffff!" came the voice again
"How was it for you?"
"Noisy" said Ginger
"Noisy......NOISY.......NOISY!"
"Have you finished now?" said Ginger
"Bitch!" said the voice
"And the cheque?"

The rest of this conversation was purely silly and is therefore omitted. Suffice to say that it was only money talk and time to bewasted.

Darkness. Total Darkness. Complete Darkness. Complete and Utter Darkness. Christ, you wouldn't believe how fuckin dark it is!. Biggles opened his eyes. Actually, he only opened one eye so it could adjust to the complete absence of any form of light at all.

When this delicate manoeuvre had been completed, Biggles started to open his other eye, but had to stop to scratch his nose. He then continued. Both eyes were open.

And Capt Bigglesworth saw Darkness. Total Darkness. Complete Darkness. Complete and Utter Darkness. Christ, you wouldn't believe how dark Biggles though it was.

"Algy"
"(Inane mumbleings which sounded like No, I've got a headache)"
"ALGY" said Biggles a bit more harshly, but not too much ass Flight Squadron Leader Captain James T. Bigglesworth was completely turned off by gross amounts of senseless and futile violence
"What time is it?"
"Where's Ginger?"
"I've never heard of that time before!" exclaimed Algy, dozily
"No, no. It's 3.52am. Do you know where Ginger is?"
"No. Why?"
"Because he's not here"
"BITCH!" screamed Algy who was deeply upset at this
"Pardon?" said Biggles in an air of supremity
"He's gone to see Sabby"
"Who the bally hecks Sabby when he's around"
"He?. HE? HE?. Sabby is a G-I-R-L"
"A what?"
"A girl." said Algy Gingerly (though we all know that Ginger is not Algy or the reverse is not true either. This can be proved but the mathematical and biological formul' are too long and silly to attempt to even vaguely prove)
"WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT" shouted Biggles
"Sorry"
"Anyway, what's Ginger doing going out with one of those, those, those humans of the opposite GENITAL group?"
"He's attempting to get one of his friends to get us back into work"
"Oh. Here's the soap" Biggles said as he handed Algy a piece of Carbolic soap.
"Thanks a Bally lot Biggles old pal"

Algy was a nice chap but when he said the word "girl", Biggles wanted to pull out every one of Algy's pubic hair with a pair of tweezers then into the wounds, pour some salt and vinegar on and give it a rub. Such was his dislike of women but it wasn't always like that. At one time he actually enjoyed the female sexed women but that was before an incident (which was photographed by Naval intelligence) which involved among other things : Leather, Brylcreem and a large blue wobbly thing which buzzed when you put the battery in, and a large melon which had had its end painted bright orange with the picture of a naked sheep.

Ginger, while all of the previous silliness has been going on has been, had been with Sabby trying to formulate a plan to get them back. This "plan" shall remain a secret until the final bit.

The next day started were the previous day had left off and Ginger started to make his way home but when he had returned a difference had taken place. At first, it was hard to find out what it was, but eventually he realised that he had gone to the wrong hut.

Travelling to the next hut was it. He entered B hut and saw Algy and Biggles sitting around the table, then standing by the table, standing ON the table, sitting on the table, sitting under the table, laying down under the table, laying down NEXT to the table, laying down on the table then finally falling off into a crumpled heap gasping for breath.

"!" said Biggles finally

Ginger didn't quite know what was meant by "!" which Biggles had just proclaimed but continued with what he was about to say.

"Biggles. Algy. Listen. The plan is set. Be at HQ for 09.15 TOMORROW"

Biggles suddenly saw the plan but what puzzled him greatly was how it was going to work. They had to be at HQ for 9.15 so it would be a case of "Early to bed, early to rise (and won't pinch your dick in your flies)".

Night passed slowly. Then sped up a bit, though if the truth be known about the facts, the time which had passed only seemed like it had sped up, it had, however, lasted for exactly the same amount of time. The next part of the night, seemed to Biggles to have lasted at least four times longer than the last part of the night but only twice as long as the last part.

Meanwhile, Ginger and Sabby had been "formulating" the finer details of the plan. After Ginger had finished "formulating", decided to start re-formulating but looking at it in another position.

STARDATE : 06:00 B HUT
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" said Biggles

Suddenly the alarm clock went off sharply waking up Algy who tried to get Biggles up.

"Biggles. Biggles. Come on Biggles, wake up"
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" replied Biggles "Come on old chap, wakey up times"
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" retorted Biggles
"Oh come on, wake up"
"Z?" said Biggles trying to get more sleep.
"It's time we got up to get to HQ"
"HQ?"
"Yes, come on, lets get going."
"But we don't have to be there for another 3 and a quarter hours"
"Yes but last time, it took ages old bean"
"So it did!. You know Algy, if we don't get our jobs back, I want you to know what I truely think about you."
"Yes?"
"I THINK YOU ARE AN OKAY CHAP" said Biggles who omitted to say anything about Algy's slightly pervy activities and the fact that he never got a bath.

As the twosome set off in the plane towards HQ, Capt. J.T. Bigglesworth noticed that something was wrong with Algy - he wasn't being rude in any way what so ever. There must be something wrong with him. Why, he wasn't even trying to rape the comfy chair which shook violently because it was positioned right above something which juddered quite a lot - VERY STRANGE. But what really freaked Biggles out was the fact that Algy was even wearing full military uniform and not his usual one, which, though very nice and colourful not to mention debonair, wasn't exactly regulation standard.

"I say, Algy?" started Biggles
"Yes SIR" screamed Algy in Military style

Biggles was taken aback by this. He looked at Algy again, then took his temperature - anally - which usually excited Algy beyond belief, but this time, nothing.

"Are you feeling alright Algy?"
"Yes SIR, why do you ask SIR?"
"Because you're not acting normally"
"That is because SIR, we are on our way to try and get back our jobs SIR"
"Yes I know that Algy, but Ginger has"
""Ginger?" SIR"
"You know, Frank Jones"
"Ahhhh!, that Ginger SIR"
"Any way, what was I saying - that's it - Ginger has sorted that side of things out, so you can drop all of that SIR shit now!"
"Okay Biggles, old chum, my old botty prankster, old sweaty arse, old flappy lips"

Biggles, after all of that had been said, quietly thought to himself that he preferred it when Algy was not being normal, but that is by and by and of no great significance. What was important was the fact that neither of them knew exactly were they were!.

"Algy?"
"Yes, Biggles?"
"This may sound a bit silly, but do you know were the fuck we are?"
"Erm, in a word, and not to put to fine a point on it, no."
"Shit." cussed Biggles sweatly
"I know," said Algy, "why don't we telephone Ginger and ask him"
"Jolly good idea"

Biggles picked up the intercom thingy and proceeded to talk with ground control.

"Biggles calling Ground Control. Biggles calling Ground Control. For Christs Sake, hurry up and respond. Biggles calling Ground Control"
"Piss off"
"What?" shouted Biggles who at this point, noticed that Algy was back to his old tricks with the comfy chair.
"Piss off."
"No, look, do you know who you are talking to?"
"Yes, some arse'ole who has been banned from flying an RAF plane"
"Look shit for brains, I need help!"
"You need help!. Listen dear, I'm having difficulties with this jock strap, so don't give me any more hassle."
"Listen Dick Head!. Give me someone who isn't smashed out of their skulls"
"No"
"Who is this?"
"None of your fuckin buisness!"
"Yes it is. Look we're in trouble here."
"SO?"
"We're lost!"
"Take up religeon then!"
"Toss off!"
"Charming"

Biggles turned to Algy and asked him if he had ever had any problems with ground control giving him some bad shit. Algy grabbed the thingy off Biggles and set about trying to get sense out of ground control.

"Flight 01231 Alpha Xenon calling Ground Control, come in Ground Control" "Yes Flight 01231 Alpha Xenon, what do you want Algy?"
"Some help"
"Shoot"
"Were are we?"
"In the air"
"Yes, I know that, but exactly where?"
"Look down."

Algy looked down.

"What do you see?" asked Ground Control
"What look to be little bits of white with a big green thing with some bits of blue going through the big green thing"
"Any signs?"
"Only a big orange one on a pole, which has just appeared in front of us which reads Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"
"How do you spell that?"

But from the plane came no responce just a bang.

Today, in the heart of the English country side, there was a plane crash. The two men involved in the crash were Captain James Thomas Bigglesworth and Flight Leuitenant Algernon Pilot. Both were killed on impact. They landed on a passing car which contained Francis "Ginger" Jones and a lady called Sabby who had been driving. An inquest into why Ginger died with his head between Sabby's legs and why someone had put a sign in the sky which we have found to have read "If you can read this, you are too near and will crash so HA HA HA. Major Wufta".

Major Wufta, when asked about this, replied by saying that it was a new method of killing idiots who knew too much and that we are to now shoot ourselves. So here goes BANG!