Something which really gets on my wick are shampoos. There are just too many!. But the thing which makes them just that bit sillier are the ad campaigns that they have to promote them.

The two worst ones are for those two in one ones and that other one, you know it, called something stupid like Relax or Rebock or Reflex or something like that. And the worst of all is that for both of these adverts, there are two different versions of it. One with a bloke in it, the other with a girl. No sexism there, or is there?. Well yes there is and what is the most daftest thing of all is the fact that both of them only ever focus on the top half of the body. And why, cos the female upper form is considered to be a lot nicer to look at then the male lower parts, and besides, you never use shampoo down there!

It's actually a wonder that Garnier or Loreal haven't brought one out just for that section of the anatomy. And if they did, what would they call it? Pubeo? Bushawash? Fluffclean?. Sorry, that may be going a bit too far!.

The different types of hair cleaner has also increased with the years to accomodate the extra amount of crap that people now put onto their hair. The likes of melted pig fat, or atomised super glue. Thats gel and hair spray to you or me!. But it has now got totally out of hand.

Here is a small list of the ones available. There are four basic groups - Dry, Natural, Dandruffy and Greasy. These then get spilt up into two sub groups - Frequent wash and Once in a Blue Moon. The two sub groups are then divided into three more sub groups - Damaged, Wet and Permed. Each of these sub sub groups have two of their own sub sub sub groups - Damaged Chemical and Damaged Natural, Wet Natural and Wet Dry! Wet Dry, don't make me laugh! Then Permed Heat and Permed Chemical. That is why when you go to Boots and ask for a bottle of shampoo, they look blankly at you. Either that or because (a) they don't talk English or (b) you've gone into Mr McPervies adult book shop!

Here's a thing which some of you may be interested in. It is that fabric and hair conditioner are EXACTLY the same stuff. So next time someone completements you on haveing hair which is soft as summer meadows and has that certain April freshness, that it was Lenor and not Mcduffnots Extra Super Mega Rip off, three quid a bottle, Conditioner. And how do I know that I hear you ask do I know?. Well does anyone here know Baylo Products?. Well a friend of the family owned it and one day my big sis wanted some hair conditioner. So off we all went to see Mr Baylo who then piped up for someone to take my sis to the vat and get her some.

Then in walks Mr Brain Cell Deffieciency, the man with permanently sore wrists as they used to scrape along the ground and takes my sis away. Now when you are young, you have a quest for knowledge. Unfortunately for me, I wanted too much and so I was known as being a nosey little brat, therefore, in my quest to see for myself, I followed along with the pain in the arse (at that time) little sis. He took big sis to this bloody great big vat with two pipes coming off, marked Fabric and Hair. So he opens the hair and pours out a gallon or so.

But I looked next door, and managed to see through the steam of numerous cups of tea, fag fumes and empty alcohol bottles, these empty plastic bottles and this pile of labels. The women (I think they were women at least. I couldn't properly tell as they were swearin' like dockers and looked a bit like dockers - they even smelt a bit like them as well) put on some of these bottles a label saying Hair conditioner, the other saying Fabric. So there you go, oh Great British buying public - make a teeshirt about that then!

Many comedians have will use their humour to have a go at who ever is in power. Ben Elton, Stephen Fry and Harry Enfield are all examples of this. It usually tends to be a bit left wing. Now PERSONALLY I don't like to do that. I believe that humour should be used to educate. That's why Kenneth Baker introduced the National Curriculum!.

Getting back to shampoos and the adverts. Here is something I don't tend to divulge. I don't reckon that most of the experiments done on animals are necessary. Therefore, I have invented this.

Basically it is a new shampoo advert to show what is actually done to make the product. How it is done is like this. Get a row of any ten animals; Beagles, rabbits, guinnea pig, buggies, starving Ethiopeans, then a film of the creation of the new "Greasego" shampoo. You then get some nob job of a celebrity to do the voice over and final end up with the ad mans final product. Here's the soundtrack.

"Presenting the new Greasego shampoo. And as we care for the environment, we have put in absolutley no chemicals harmful to plantlife or the wildlife. No we have put in things which will just burn through your eyes, head and kill you if you accidently drink some. And here's how it is made. (picture of Sellafield) Here's nice Mr Chemical Engineer. He's the new model, three arms, two heads and only half a brain. Look out Mr Engineer, you've spilt some of those raw ingredients out of that nuclear waste container. Whoops! And, oh dear, you seem to have fallen over into it. Look everybody, his arm seems to have melted. Oh well!. Now look as he put it into that reactor vessel and has an instant sex change. Anyway, lets get it back into the labs. Do you recognise any of these Beagles, rabbits, guinnea pigs, buggies, starving Ethiopeans. Well if you don't, you never will as very soon their eyes will pop out and they'll get cabbage ears - literally!. Oh dear, that one seems to have decomposed into its separate constituents and that one still has an eye which it can be used. That's not very good. Both of them should have turned bright orange by now and started to steam!. Oh well, back to the drawing board. What's this that you're putting in now Mr Sadistic Biologist - Concentrated Oxy-carbonic- alkanitic-formanti-3-4-5-xylene-oic Acid. My, that should do the job. And here is the final product"

Cue the final part of the advert.

It is a beautiful summery meadow scene. A young girl goes down to a bubbling pond and starts to wash her hair. Unfortunately, she had not seen the bloody massive sign erected on the other side. Little wonder really, as it has been corroded by the water. What the sign actually said was this:

"DANGER. DO NOT DRINK, USE OR IN ANY RESPECTS TOUCH THIS WATER. IT IS THE MAIN SEWER OUTLET FOR NEW GREASEGO SHAMPOO"

The girl only notices when her long blonde hair turns bright red, and then she notices the lack of any of her previous hands!