Something which has come to the forefront of the 18 to 21 age group is the night club. This is were you can get drunk, deafened and sweat to death for about a tenner. But what makes these places unbareable has to be the jolly old DJ!.

For those not in the know, a DJ is supposed to be a young athletic bounder with a great sense of humour. But in the crappy world of Reality, what you usually end up with is some overweight, senile pratt with the sense of humour which is slightly smaller than the IQ of a small, overcooked kidney bean!. They seem to have originated in the mists of history, about 1963 to be exact, when people actually used words like "groovy" and "happening sounds". But then as soon as they came, they disappeared. Or did they?. Well no they didn't and I reckon that I know what happened to them. They slipped into a timewarp in the space time continum which the other end happened to come out in the UK in 1987. The only problem is that they don't realise that they are here now and so are still using those bloody awful expressions!.

Now if like me, you have been to a disco and have wanted to get plastered, then you will have gone to the bar. You can find this place as there is normally a beer stream coming off from it and a load of half drunken wally bozos wobbleing about grabbing anything in a skirt. And that goes for the lads as well!.

By the time you are served, you will have been sufficiently deprived of air and well enough deafened to have to deal with the bar staff. These people bring a new meaning to the word THICK. It has got to the stage now, that to make sure that you are paying for the correct drink, that the till has all of the drinks marked out by themselves. Which is all well and good until you remember the average Bar Staffee has an IQ of a piece of cloth - about 1cm square!.

You go up to the bar and ask for three drinks. It could be anything. It could be three glasses of water and the moron behind the bar will STILL FORGET THE LAST TWO!. So you are there, and order the drinks.

A guinness, a snakebite and a Pernod and Black.

The neaderthal reject gets the Guinness and presses the button marked "THIS ONE FOR A PINT OF GUINNESS YOU CRETIN!" and the price comes up. Now I found this out the other week. What it is is how they work out the ludicrous bar prices. How they do it is like this. 1. Take the proper price. 2. Add the first number you thought of. 3. Multiply it by the total number of brain cells in the bar staff and then add on the inflation rate - of outer Ningnangnong!. But getting back to the drinks.

The girl gets the drink but turns around a bit to fast and so you have to either be lightening quick to catch it in your mouth or you have to suck it off your shirt and jacket!. So this half pint of luke warm, half watered down and half rejected drink duely arrives and then she expects to be paid. So you pay her. But what you don't realise is that she has forgotten the other two drinks! So you remind her and she gets the second one, you pay her, then have to remind her of the third one. My ultimate nightmare is having to order for 10 people. You could start at 10pm and not get finished til 2!.

Another thing which a DJ has supposed to have is a good memory. I suppose that the club must have gotten them off the same reject shop as they did the bar staff. So your on the floor, and after dancing for five hours like a chicken with an egg stuck up its bum, which let's face it is what your average house dancer looks like, you still have to tell the DJ, who has taken the mick out of you all night for being such a bleedin awful dancer, that you want this record. But it is no good, he either hasn't got it, won't play it, hasn't heard of it, or has run out of time!.

Before, I refered to house music. Now for those who are unfamiliar with this, I shall explain what exactly it is. House is like rock. A type of music, but it is such a strange type of noise as it has been made by combining or mixing different tracks together. For those who know just a bit about cookery, that if you applied this you would end up with A MESS. Notice anything similar there?!

Now like rock, there are different types of house. The most popular is known as ACID HOUSE. And before smart alec pipes up in a high and mighty voice that this is because of the drugs sold at these bashes, then have I got news for you. YER WRONG YER DIVVY!. Acid house is just house with a few more drum beats and a some squeaky bits thrown in for good measure. The drugs bit comes from our great British press, which is so great that the only thing better than it is the filth in the Mersey!.

Last year there were over 4500 raids on house parties. And only in 75 did the police find anything!. But did we hear about the other 4425?. Did we buggery!. Not news worthy. Rubbish!. More than likely it was because the nod wasn't given and the police would get a bad name!. Establishmental things!.

Back in the disco, there has been a subtle change and you will notice this no matter your state of inebriation. It is 1am and pull time. The time for the great "lets cop off with someone.". This seems a bit odd to me as I always thought that copping off with meant that the police had nabsed you!. Now I have a number of friends who do this EVERY week without fail but what they don't seem to realise is the fact that it will last for a very short amount of time. They don't seem to find out very quickly that true love is something which you are unlikely to find with some drunken git who has slobbered all down you and puts their arm around you in some vague effort not to look like a pufta in front of their mates!.

Personally, I reckon that this practise should have a room set aside for it and leave the disco to those who just want to have a good time and a bit of a dance so the place doesn't end up as a joint for picking up a casual mate. Now I have this other friend who every Friday goes out and tries to pick someone up and up to now has never had any success. Well that is a bit of a fib. He did pick up someone once. Unfortunately he wasn't to know that it was the Kilties night out!.