What is it with major charity organisations that every time something nasty happens, like some dead volcano goes pop or some nuclear reactor does a firework display or a small welsh village elects a member of the SDP, then the first thing produced besides a bit of smoke, thousands of square miles becoming radioactive or the SDP having a third seat is the UBIQUITOUS TSHIRT and the jeans badge. But why?.

These are multi million pound charities so why bother with some stupid tshirt saying "ABERSCYCHDWYNTCHMPHYL FOR TORIES" or "BAN NUCLEAR FIRE WORK DISPLAYS" or "PROTECT THE FLORA AND FAUNA OF SOME 2.7 SQUARE KILOMETER ISLAND STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND ONLY DISCOVERED AS SOME DILDO FROM SPIKLAND CRASHED HIS YACHT INTO IT AS SOME SORT OF INSURANCE DODGE AND THE FACT THAT WE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT IT GOING POP EXCEPT THAT SOME SIX YEAR OLD GIRL SAYS SOMETHING WHICH LOOKED A BIT LIKE A FIRE WITH FLASHES WENT OFF WHEN SHE FLEW OVER IT BUT WHO KNOWS AT 60000 FEET?"

It's not as if any of us ACTUALLY gave a damn that any of those three (except maybe about the SDP candidate - it would NEVER happen) happened. So why bother with these teeshirts and irritating badges which never stick onto your jeans?.

There's another thing. Why won't those badges stay on your jeans?. Alright, okay, I had one not so long back saying "Keep the oil in the cars and not in the Mersey", but could I get it to stay on my jeans. Could I buggery!. I tryed EVERYTHING. Sewing, knitting, chroching, glueing, soldering, welding, intercellular fusing, shock treatment, aversion therapy. EVERYTHING. But I finally managed to get it to stay on. Wanna know how?. I drew around it then copied it out.

I suppose the Tshirts were a logical follow on from those little coloured signs on the backs of cars. You know the sort - Honk if your horny, Farmers do it with their boots on, I maybe slow, but I'm infront of you!. And the first big use was those Frankie Goes To Hollywood ones.

And the grand result of all of that?. A few puny records and then spliting up 18 months later!. So what hope is there for the Nicaraguian Tea Plantations?

Ha! Bet you never knew about the Tea Plantations. Well it was news to me as well until some fit bird came up to me, wobbled a bit and said something like "Ye wanna dis teshert? Itz te save de Tea in Nickeragua. Ye see, de problem iz dat dey are gerrin killed ovf by the Commiez. Itz only a fiver. And den another tree for de badge". The thing is, and this is the funny thing, this wobblesome woman had approached me the week earlier to buy a teeshirt for the overthrowing of the fascist regime there and now the new Parliment there is getting rid of the crop, so the cycle of trying to get rid of the regime begins again.

Logically in that case, buying a teeshirt and badge can literally overthrow major world powers. Christ, that could be some threat couldn't it. Imagine going up to some total git of a leader, say Chairman Mao or whoever is in power in China, and saying Introduce reforms or I'll sell this particulary nasty teeshirt and badge about your lot. I can just see them crapping themselves, couldn't you!. I suppose that's what happened in Germany and the rest of the Eastern block. You never got any about South Africa as they were unfashionable up until 3 seconds before the rebirth of the ANC.

A teeshirt case can also be a great fashion accesory especially if you can make your own. Be in with the in crowd, create your own teeshirt so that when something happens, you will be first with the teeshirt. Be the envy of all of the other dickheads around. With the new super deluxe Make your own teeshirt poster machine. Only £350 inc. one free teeshirt and enough slime to make two thirds of a print.

Just imagine, for just one second, well maybe just a bit longer than a second, perhaps two, alright then for as long as needs be, but just think. It is the first day post Nuclear Holocaust. Liverpool City Centre. A sole person wondering about. Lost - or is he. Of course he isn't. It's someone selling teeshirts for CND with the message "I told you so" written all over it!.

The teeshirt and badge are like polythene, non biodegrade able and so are buggers to get rid of!.