(c) 1991 Paul F. Johnson

Written, Produced and Directed by PFJ

For Miss T. Boreham @ Swinderby

Sketch 1. Famous Operas

Announcer: Over the years, there have been many famous operas and opera

singers such as Kiri Te Kiwana, Placido Domingo and Lucini

Pavarotti. The list of such opera's could not be named on mere

fingers (yes, not even if you included your toes!). Opera's such as

Bizet's "Carmen" (Extract), Wagner's "The Flying Dutchman"

(Extract), Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana" (Extract) and of course the

immortal "Marriage of Figaro" by Mozart. (Extract)

Announcer : And now, Spon records have come up with a complete reworking of

Carmina Burana sung by the great, one and only Eccles.

Eccles : (Start music - Carmina Burana) Owwwwwwwwww! For Tuna, I'd go loony 'cos

it's better than steamy kippers.

Announcer : Other such great titles includes Ben Elton as Carmen, Bluebottle in

La Traviata and Jonny Rambo in The Ring Cycle. Only from Spon

records (off microphone) my life, has it come to this?......

Sketch 2. History Lesson?

Teacher : Come on class, sit down. No, not on each other's laps. Julian and

Sandy you especially!. Now today we are going to do (extatically)

History!

F.X. : General groans

Snotty Kid : (honks up) And like, miss, like what bit like of like history like are we

like going to like do like today (pause) like? (honks again)

Announcer : The teacher, not being completely stupid, decides to do history using

genuine historical characters to try and liven things up a bit.

Teacher : We are going to do World War 2, so open up your history books up

at page 4 and watch this video.

F.X. Books opening, switch on TV then video humdrum noises then various cheers and

whoops door opens, teacher walks in.

Teacher : Whoops, wrong video!. Now let's get back to our books.

Kid : Miss, this is boring. Can't we do world war 3?

Teacher : No you can't as we haven't had it yet

Kid 2 : Well you did in that video

F.X. : Laughs and cheers!

Teacher : Less of that or I'll spank you

Kid 3 : OOER! SNARF! SNARF! ERRR!!

F.X. : Clout

Kid 3 : Ouch. I'm gonna get my dad onto you

Kid 4 : Well he'll after wait til the Music Teacher has another go!

F.X. : Clouts

Teacher : Now back to history. World War 2. Can anyone tell me when it

happened?

Kid 2 : When someone went BANG!

Teacher : Near enough. It was actually in 1939. And if you listen closely to the

page you can hear then discussing the start of the war......

Kid 4 : (Quietly) Completely hatstand!

Kid 3 : (Quietly) I think she already has!

F.X. : Quiet laughs.Pause.War noises (airraid sirens, shots, yells, screams and Monty

Python theme tune!?!). Door opens and closes. Heavy footsteps. Sits.

Bluebottle : I don't like this game, you know Eccles

Eccles : Yep.

Henry : And what do you mean by mnk nyum herumherum hek yep?

Eccles : I mean Yep - I know Eccles! It's all fine fine fine.

Bluebottle : Well I'm glad you think so

Min : (Off mike) Henry? Henry?

Henry : Mnk yes Min?

Min : Have you seen my gas mask?

Henry : Respirator Minny!

Min : Don't you be such a needle naddle noo Henry!. I know what I mean!

Eccles : And so do I!

Bluebottle : Do you Eccles?

Eccles : Do I Eccles what?

Bluebottle : Do you know what I mean?

Eccles : Here, here, here

Bottle : Where, where, where?

Blackadder : Morning gentlemen

Bottle : Nyee Hee it's that rotten swine Edmund Blackadder

Blackadder : Fing!

Henry : Silly man!

F.X. : Classroom noises

Teacher : So as you can see, the war was going to last for a long, long long

time!. But by 1944, things were different.

F.X. : War noises

Min : Henry! Henry Crun!

Henry : Yes Minny?.

Min : I just thought I'd tell you that is 1944

Henry : I'd better get going then

Min : Why's that Henry?

Henry : Otherwise I'll miss my bus Minny!

Min : Do you know what Henry?

Henry : No what Min?

Min : No what Min what

Henry : Mornin'

Min : Mornin'

Henry : Mornin'

Bottle : Nyee Hee.

Henry : Mnk look here Minny!

Min : Where?

Henry : Nyum hmmm here. It's a little bundle of rags from the front line

Bottle : No I'm not, I'm from the washing line.

Min : And what where you doing there?

Bottle : Just hanging around! Nyee hee hee hee. I've just broke a little

jokeyule!

F.X. : Crunch.

Bottle : I've just had my little jokeyule broken. Nyee Hee Ooooh

Min : Mornin'

Henry : Mornin'

Eccles : Evenin'

Henry : Any who are you moo?

Eccles : I'm mad Dan Eccles. Fresh from the USA nookleer thingy

Min : Fresh from something else as well. Stinkyboo!

Henry: Stinkyboo!

Min : Stinkyboo too! Now what, what, what do want?

Eccles : We want a highly powered piece of knotted wet string.

Henry : (Various Noises) Mnk Mnk Mnkle

Bottle : Steps forward to volunteer. Presenting Bluebottle. Winner of the

wooden spoon in the egg and spoon race for three years running

and general highly powered piece of wet string.

Min : You silly man, he doesn't want you.

Bottle : Why not?

Henry : Mnk he asked for KNOTTED string.

Bottle : Wait a minute

F.X. : Straining type groans

Bottle : Nyee Hee. I have now got knotted!

Min : Wishful thinking.

F.X. : Classroom noises

Teacher : And in America they invented the bomb.

F.X. : Yank land theme tune.

President : Snarf

Vice : Mr President

President : (Ben Elton) Yes indeed. I am the President

Vice : The bomb is ready.

President : How much has it cost?

Vice : In all, a couple of million dollars.

President : What's that in real money?

Vice : Real money?

President : UK money.

Vice : About three pounds 97 and sixpence.

President : So what are you waiting for?

Vice : I'm sorry?

President : What are you waiting for?

Vice : I don't quite get you.

President : Well, we and the limeys have spent over three pounds 96 and

sevenpence on this bomb

Vice : Yes Sir?

President : So why haven't we used it yet?

Vice : But who on?

President : The Australians of course!

Vice : But, they're our friends

President : So were the commies in WW1

Vice : See what you mean!

President : So get on to it!

Vice : Well we have an RAF fleet here at the moment sir.

President : So get them to do it.

F.X. : Classroom

Teacher : Yes, an RAF plane which was to be driven by

F.X. : Aeroplane

Biggles : I say Algy you wind gate

Algy : Yes Biggles you droopy flaps

Biggles : Where are we supposed to be dropping this bally bomb?

Algy : Dunno, ask Ginger.

Biggles : Ginger you silly little twit, where are we dropping the bomb

Ginger : (stoned) Yeah man, (FX : ENGINE ROAR) Step on!

Biggles : Hong Kong!

Ginger : Woah yeah. Here on Shima

Algy : Isn't Hiroshima in Japan

Ginger : Hey Yeah!

Biggles : And the other one?

Ginger : (being sick) Nagasaki

Biggles : Nagaski. It is Japan you know!

F.X. : Classroom. Bell Rings

Teacher : And there you have it. World War 2. So go on class. Next lesson

Snotty Kid : (honks up) Like miss like what happened like to like Bottle like and

like like like like Eccles like miss (pause) like

Teacher : Well listen....

F.X. : Japan theme tune

Bottle : It's nice here in Japan. Sun, sea and not chance of being naughty

type nuked.

Eccles : Yep, it's all going to be fine, fine, fine.

Bottle : Oh look at that funny little bird up in the sky

Eccles : Yeah, and look it's dropped a present for us.

Bottle : Yes, it's a licqorice bomb

Eccles : Hey, it's getting bigger int it

Bottle : And look at that naughty skull and crossbones on the side. Eccles,

you don't think?

Eccles : Yep, I don't think!

Bottle : No, it can't be

F.X. : Nuke explosion

Bottle : It was you know. You rotten swines, you have spoilt my suntan.

Eccles : Don't look now

Bottle : Why not?

Eccles : Cos I've gone blind. Ooohhhh!.

Bottle : Ying Tong Idle I Po!

Sketch 3. Welsh National News

Announcer : And now on S4C, the news.

F.X. : News theme tune

Caster : Good clack. Ysbitty Cllllllan Glunge an dys goggle woggle sobble

vobble kkkkkkkkkkr slatty vik slublyble Niel Kinnock grungle lllllllytr

fob nobllll ytruem steaming Wet Pudding.

Caster : Grimbol clackandbeddlyqwobblu Ny Bevan diz llllllllllll (sneezes)

humbo dum fribbllll quinoffygolik sex scandle llllll crimbolikollywibble

bowl of yfggghhhe stew.

Caster : Nizbonecrocklebeen llllllllsybif crinchycrabssyphalis Newark Castle

frin fin fi llllllapsan gimfonkl RAF Swinderby bimnom frisyinbllenyaf

ACW Boreham gimfrong fibanr yyyytslllll aerorun jimbolyyyrt passed

or else I'll fimb yatzee goiul wet mackeral.

Caster : (Coughs, chokes, gobs)

F.X. : Slimey SPLOTT as gob hits wall

Caster : And now for the weather.

Forcaster : (drivel)

NB: All talking is under forcasters general crap

Announcer : Better?

Caster : Yeah.

Announcer : What was wrong then?

Caster : Loose pubes!

Announcer : Say no more!.

F.X. : GROANS!

Sketch 4. Hitler - Comic Genius?

Or Smith and Jones on Hitler.

Smith : So there he was then

Jones : Who's that then?

Smith : Old Hitler. You know the German

Jones : Oh yeah. Well what about him then?

Smith : Nothing.

Jones : Funny you should say that about Hitler

Smith : What's that then?

Jones : It was that I was in the middle of mini Israel

Smith : Oh you mean just down the road past number 27

Jones : Yeah. Well I was walking through there and then I was struck

Smith : What with?. A Kosher rotten tomato?

Jones : Nah. Just the thought that Hitler was a Genius!

Smith : Genius? GENIUS?. Homosideal maniac maybe. I mean look at the

records. He burnt over 4 million Jews over six years.

Jones : Yeah okay

Smith : And also committed those attrocities on the Australians

Jones : Wot, wots that then?

Smith : Gave them Kylie Minogue.

Jones : Hows that then?

Smith : Mendelsohn and his genetic experiments

Jones : Wots that?

Smith : It's when you mess around with someones genes

Jones : What, you mean like you sew up the bottom of one leg?

Smith : No, its when you split them up and reorganise them.

Jones : Granted but you see, I didn't mean GENIUS as in brainy or anything

like but as in comic genius.

Smith : Come again.

Jones : I mean the way I see it is like Hitler right was an exentric

Smith : Bugger!

Jones : What?

Smith : I'd been told he was a Mason!!

Jones : Nahh mate he was an exentric and cos of that he burnt a few Jews

but you shouldn't look at it like that

Smith : Like what!. The fact is he burnt them

Jones : But look at the other side. He could have been known as the first

Green MP ever!

Smith : (Indignant) As in what?

Jones : Well look. He was the first to use that renewable energy thing and

not coal or oil or gas.

Smith : Okay, but what about the bodies? Instant compost?

Jones : Don't be stupid!

Smith : What then?

Jones : Well the melting fat was sold to Chippys in Blighty.

Smith : Never!

Jones : Yeah!.

Smith : Well that would explain one thing anyway.

Jones : What's that then?

Smith : Why we had such great meat pies and Pork scratchings in the 50's!

Sketch 5. Film 91 Special - The Search for Bond.

GRAMS : Intro music - Film 91

Barry : And why not?. Now, in a sense, tonight, I am going to be looking

back on the history of James Bond. And, quite rightly I think, so to,

as it where, to help me, I have in the studio, two of the most famous

James Bonds ever - Roger Moore

Moore : Hell (pause) o

Barry : And Sean Connery

Sean : Hello

Barry : James Bond as you know was invented by Ian Flemming as a form

of light relief from his vast readings of Capt W.E. Johns immortal

"Biggles" stories and the constant bombardment of shows like the

Goons which had characters such as Eccles and Henry Crun in from

the radio - and quite rightly so. And as a form of get back, he

invented Bond.

Barry : The first movie was supposed to have Fred Grimbol as Bond, a

complete unknown but close friend to Flemming, some, and quite

rightly so, say it was too close!. But less of the history lesson to the

men, and I use the word in the most casual of senses, and why not,

who made history. Sean and Roger Moore.

Barry : So with over 200 girls bonked until their eyes popped out and only

three girls ever to have survived after such a bang, how does it feel?

Sean : Hard.

Roger : I would (pause) imagine it would (pause) ha (pause) ha.

Sean : Yes

Roger : Ha!.

Barry : And how does it also feel to have had more reincarnations than

Richard Gere has had stiffies?

Sean : Sorry?

Roger : I don't (pause) know.

Sean : What was the meaning of the last question?

Barry : Well look, there have been Connery, Moore, Lazenby

Sean : Who?

Roger : He was the one (pause) between us (pause) two

Sean : And I thought it was Pussy Matrooshka

F.X. : Laughs

Barry : And getting back to the present, Dalton.

Sean : Yes, I wondered how he got it?

Barry : Well our cameras went down to the heart of the French countryside

to see the filming on location.

F.X. : Country noises continuing through out.

Barry : So Dickie, how does it feel to be directing your first Bond picture?

Dicky : Darling darling duckies darlings duckies ducks. It feels like RAF

Swinderby.

Barry : Come again?

Dicky : Well darling, parts of it keep passing out!

Barry : How is Timothy Dalton?

Dicky : Fine ducky wucky woos fine.

Barry : What was his initial casting like?

F.X. : Shot - man screams (been shot) crunch as hits ground, twigs snap

Barry : What the f

Dicky : Sorry about that Barry Warry Darling. Just another stuntman getting

shot. Clear it up darling.

Barry : But I heard Dalton did all his own stunts?

Dicky : Bugger Wugger Woo!. Dicky Darling Ducks we need a new Bond.

Barry : And so to the casting stage again....

F.X. : Pianos plonking, Guitars tuning, Saws sawing, Hammers thumping (Odd yell of

"Damn")

Caster : (Python woman) Well, the way I see it is we need a strong willed,

strong muscled and above all cheap twit, sorry actor. So who's first?

Bottle : Steps forward and takes naughty piece of paper. Clears throat

(throat noises). Nyee Hee. The name is Bond, James Bond. 007.

Licensed to kill with naughty type deading weapons.

Caster : Has potentional. Young twit!. Who much money have you got?

Bottle : Looks at bank statement and says two bits of knotted string and a

packet of Mr Muscley Chewing type Gum.

Caster : A man of riches then. Come here little nit.

F.X. : Feet

Bottle : What?

F.X. : Crunch

Bottle : Do I have the part?

F.X. : Crunch

Bottle : I don't think so

F.X. : Crunch

Bottle : (shouts) AND STOP HITTING ME.

F.X. : Studio noises.

Sean : Looks familiar

Roger : Yes in (pause) deed.

Barry : So Sean, have you anything up pipe line?

Roger : No he's got rid of the piles!

F.X. : Deadly silence!

Sean : Yes Barry. I have a new film in which I play an Australian who goes

off to fight in WW2.

Barry : And I believed it took you three months to perfect the accent.

Sean : Yes it did.

Barry : So here's a clip now.

F.X. : Tank noises

Aussie 1 : Hey Bruce

Aussie 2 : Yes Bruce?

Aussie 1 : Get Bruce to load the cannon

Aussie 2 : Hey Bruce?

Sean : (Normal SC voice) Yes Bruce

Aussie 2 : Load the cannon

Sean : I can assure you that it is already loaded.

F.X. : Battle noises fade out.

Barry : Very Australian!. Now Roger, have you any films to look forward

too?

Roger : Yes, Rocky VI

Barry : No I mean to film in?

Roger : Yes, Rocky VI. I play a piece of canvass!.

Barry : Sad isn't it!. Two once great actors, now stupid cun......

GRAMS : Film 91 music - fade out

Sketch 6. Being Silly.

F.X. : Crash, explosions, bangs and then whimpers

Announcer : Thank you Mildread for that tip on cooking. Now tonights main guest

is Sir Arnold Quozitumps de Fergini Fergini Flog Van Snip Van

Wiggle Wobble Wibble das Snart Que, the historian.

Sir : (Laughs)

Announcer : Whats so funny?

Sir : You should have just called me by my first name!

Announcer : And what's that then?

Sir : Phil

Announcer : Just Phil?

Sir : Nope. Phillip der quernog grimble grint jumblywumbly then the rest.

Announcer : Strange name that!

Sir : What's that?

Announcer : And the rest

Sir : (Jolly) No you small man, I mean by the phrase "and the rest" meant

Arnold Quozitumps de Fergini Fergini Flog Van Snip Van Wiggle

Wobble Wibble das Snart Que

Announcer : Well in that case, I'm not going to interview you.

Sir : And why's that?

Announcer : Because you are very silly and your real name is Rock Bottom after

the famous actor and are actually a bin man (third class!).

Sir : Bum!

The Credits :

GRAMS : (Timewarp played through out)

All except for the Hitler sketch was written, produced, directed, editted, hit with a toffee

mallet and finally left to dry in the sun for ten minutes by Paul F. Johnson

The Hitler sketch was written by Paul but with the additional help of Mr William Robinson

who inspired the lunacy by a conversation I had with him one afternoon over coffee.

All impressions of the characters used in these sketches were done by Paul with the

help in the History Lesson with Bill and Sue Robinson as the kids.

In fact, to sum it up, Paul F. Johnson, the man who's only thing which at the moment is

bigger than his head is his libido, could be creditted with all the sketches, impressions

and writting.

The only thing he couldn't do was print it out but only as he didn't fancy twenty two volts

going across his rear port every 50th of a second!

So there you have it. Six sketches, about a half hour tape of worthless nothingness and

to top it all not one mention of the following (thank God)

Rambo

Stock Aitken Waterman

Any of the Neighbours/Home and Away casts

Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters II

Arnie Swartzaneger (but only cos I have more difficulty in saying it instead of writting it!)

Most of the Goons (except Bottle, Eccles, Min and Henry - that's about half of them ain't

it?)

Monty Python (although Music and a character may have been pinched)

Milton Keynes

Coming soon - The Second Tape......

Coming late - My bus to hospital...

Not Coming - Me to see Ghost

Coming, coming, oh yes I'm coming Coming [various noises] (fade out)