Written and Performed by Paul F. Johnson

For Miss T. Boreham

Sketch 1. Introduction and Apology

GRAMS : Fanfare

American : And in this exciting audio kaysette, we will have amongst other things

Part 2 of "The Trial of Bottle", the new running series in which the

futility of human existance is not addressed or even looked upon.

GRAMS : Fanfare (speed up)

American : We have an apology from the last tape. The McDonalds used in the

first sketch is in no way related to the high street chain of stores and

the fifty pounds being paid to me from them in no way has influenced

the writting of this apology.

(whispers)

American : However a representative from another fast food chain has just given

me a hundred pounds to say the McDonalds used is the high street

chain. Hold on....

(whispers)

American : A hundred and fifty pounds says it was

Yankee 2 : Two hundred it don't

Yankee 1 : Two hundred and fifty it do

Yankee 2 : Three hundred don't

Yankee 1 : Three hundred and fifty say it do

Yankee 2 : Four hundred it don't

(Carries on getting faster until)

F.X. : Explosion

Yankee 1 : Oh look, more hamburgers!!!

GRAMS : "THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE AT A DIFFERENT McDONALDS YOU'LL

ENJOY!!"

Sketch 2. Current Affairs

BBC Announcer : And now on Radio 4, we come to our weekly current affairs

programme "THE WEEK" presented by Wooly Woofer.

GRAMS : Documentary Music

Wooly : Hello and welcome to THE WEEK with me Wooly Woofew. Today I

went out onto the stweet to ask the public fow thewe opinion on the

cuwwent situation of the countwy in the light of Govewnment

pwoposals to bwing down the population by mass slaughtew of

sections of the community, but who should it be?

F.X. : (Through out) Street Noises

Wooly : Siw, could you tell me who should be humanely destwoyed?

Bloke : (El Thicko) Derr, I think like you know we should put down all the

skin'eads and vandals like you know dem ones oo haven't yet

growed up enuff to like know.

Wooly : Well, wouldn't include you as you seem to be about to lob that bwick

thwough the window and youw haiw seems a bit short!

Bloke : Oh yeah!

F.X. : Punchs, thuds and oofs!

Wooly : Thank you. Ouch!. Madam, who do you think the Govewnment

should have destroyed?

Posh Woman : Well, I think it should be the poor

Posh Man : And the Welsh

Posh Woman : Come to think of it, they should string up those blastered

Communists in the council

Posh Man : And the liberals

Posh Woman : Foreigners

Posh Man : Anyone on a YTS

Posh Woman : CND supporters

Posh Man : Drug addicts

Posh Woman : The people at number 18

Posh Man : Anyone called Emmanual

Posh Woman : Poofters

Wooly : (Interupts - Sarcastically) Anyone else?

Posh Man : Yes! The Lower Class

Posh Woman : The Middle Class

Posh Man : Anybody who enjoyed "THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST"

Posh Woman : The Animal Libbers

Posh Man : Those commies at Greenpeace

Posh Woman : Smith and Jones

Posh Man : Anybody who has seen "HAIR" or "THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW"

Posh Woman : Bros

Posh Man : Bros

Posh Woman : And just for good measure, Bros

Posh Man : Anyone from outside London

Posh Woman : Anyone from outside St. Johns Wood

Wooly : So if I may intewupt, you believe that the pawt of the population to be

put to sleep should be Londonews from London's St Johns Wood

awea who also live thewe, have Bwitish

Posh Man : (interupts), English my man. English.

Wooly : Alwight, have an English passpowt, must nevew have gone to Wales

or have Welsh welatives. Be hetwosexual and not be othew than

White skined.

Posh Man : Yes. That about sums it up

Wooly : A bit biggoted isn't it?

Posh Woman : There is one other to add to out little list

Wooly : Go on

Posh Man : People who can't say R

Wooly : Lummy. Back to the studio

F.X. : Shot, fall to the ground.

Sketch 3. The Trial of Bottle. Part 2.

Announcer : And now for a brief recap of what happened in part 1. Bottle has

been accused by a policeman (who turns out to be an alien) of

looking at him through sight. But no ordinary sight, but one of a

bazooka!. Nothing else much happened except that the judge was

declared loopy, Niel Kinnock was turned down by the credit company

and Dan Eccles didn't win the Greedy Bastard prize!!.

Man : It's all rather confusing!!!!.

Announcer : We return you to the chamber....

F.X. : Toilet flushing

Man : What you doing here? Go on, sod off!

F.X. : (fade in) Courtroom noises.

Caller : All rise for the Judge.

F.X. : Scraping of thousands of chairs (speed up towards end)

Judge : Thank you. Now what do you want?

Pros : We want the accused to be pro qatored vin dialistical frodsumian in

the brief of a junkaw duz vanquibble der vercos plus soir.

Judge : And what's that in English?

Pros : Hung.

Judge : Hung? What for?

Pros : Shall we just say that he's been a bit naughty?

Defence : Objection M'lud.

Judge : Who's that twit?

Caller : He's the Councillor for the Defence.

Judge : Defence? Defence? Defence of what?

Caller : Defence of the accused.

Judge : Oh. What a strange trade. Young twit for defence

Defence : M'lud

Judge : Watch it pal or I'll have you

Defence : (indignant) What for M'lud?

Judge : For calling me names!

Caller : I don't believe that the Defence was calling you a name

Judge : Yes he was!

Caller : Stanographer, read back what you have written.

Stanographer : Pros Hung Silly Twit Objection Names Was. Sorry, I'm not very good

at this am I?

Defence : Objection

Judge : You stay out of it!

Pros : M'lud, If you would just...

Judge : Either shut up or I'll have the lot of you shot for disobedience.

Pros : (hushed) Oh god, not another one.

Defence : (hushed) Jees, why can't we get a proper judge not some senile old

fart who doesn't know his arse from his elbow!.

Judge : (annoyed) Right. Shut, shut, shut up or I'll have the lot of you

hunhhhhhh

F.X. : Collapse, clunk, dead.

Defence : I think he's died.

Pros : Good thing as well.

Defence : How about a bit of you know

Pros : You know at Know Where?

Defence : Yes. You know at know where with know how and when.

Pros : And when?

Defence : Now!!

F.X. : Lots of laughs.

Caller : Call for the undertaker.

Caller 2 : Call for the undertaker

Caller 3 : The undertaker

Undertaker : Call for me.

Caller 3 : I already am.

Undertaker : Okay matey, what's the problem?

Caller 3 : I don't know. I'll ask.

Caller 3 : Call what's the problem?

Caller 2 : Call what's the problem?

Caller : Call that the judge has kicked the bucket, bereffed of life, he rests in

piece, he's a stiff, he's run down the curtain and joined the choir

invisibule, if we move him quick, he can be pushing up the daisys

instead of making a bit of a niff.

Caller 2 : Call I think he's snuffed it.

Caller 3 : Call I think he's a dead.

Undertaker : Then you don't want me.

Caller 3 : You are an undertaker?

Undertaker : Yes.

Caller 3 : Then it is you we need.

Undertaker : So it is!.

Caller 3 : Can you help?

Undertaker : What sort of stiff is he?

Caller 3 : Call what sort of stiff is he?

Caller 2 : Call what sort of stiff is he?

Caller : Call back the dead sort.

Caller 2 : Call the dead sort.

Caller 3 : Call the dead sort. Oops, sorry mate, the dead sort.

Undertaker : Best type!.

(Carries on making inane conversation)

Announcer : Meanwhile back in the courtroom....

F.X. : Courtroom noises, farts, burps, coughs, gunfire, screams, running water etc etc

etc

Pros : I say Jeremy.

Defence : Yes Sidney?

Pros : I'm not enjoying this part at all

Defence : I know what you mean ducky!. I mean it's so humiliating.

Pros : Sorry?

Defence : Well look at the way in the last part the author ridiculed the British

Legal system with the loony judge and the alien copper.

Pros : What's wrong with that, it's satire.

Defence : What's Satire?

Pros : It's what goes on the corner of a car!!

F.X. : Titters.

Defence : Oh very good. Hold on a mo though.

Pros : What?

Defence : I think that the author has been writting in an extra bit for us to be

doing.

Pros : Just like him, I suppose.

Defence : Isn't he supposed to be writting the conversation between the

Undertaker and one of the callers?

Pros : That's what I thought!.

Defence : Well he ain't.

Pros : I have a cunning plan....

F.X. : Whispers (speed up) whispers (normal) whispers. Stops.

Defence : Right, I'll go first.

Pros : Okay, Step One. Undo trousers

F.X. : Five or six gun shots

Defence : Done.

Pros : Step Two, Pull down trousers

F.X. : Creaks and bats flying out

Defence : Doned

Pros : Step Three, Pull down grunties

F.X. : Creaking, snaps, crashs

Defence : Done

(pause)

Defence : Doesn't seem to be doing much.

Pros : I can't understand it. It used to work on (gulp) Oh dear.

Defence : What?

Pros : I forgot.

Defence : Forgot what?

Pros : This is on Audio and not Video tape.

Defence : Never mind darling.

F.X. : Giggles (fade out)

Announcer : And now for a commercial break

F.X. : Crack (breaking noise)

Voice : Ouch!. Call an ambulance!!!

GRAMS : Any Stock/Aitken/Waterman records (all the way through)

David Jensen : And now on P.W.L. records we present one hundred records which

sound identical but you, the moronic British record buying public have

all bought. Featuring such artists as Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan,

Sonia, Yell, Sinitta, Mel and Kim, Rick Astley and Donna Summer all

singing to the same backing track and quite possibly the same words.

David Jensen : YES, 100 records for only £6.99 on record or tape and 10.99 on CD

for the fourpack disc set. A bargain indeed for once you have listened

to one track, you can make something useful out of them like plant

pot holders, earrings or computer data tapes.

David Jensen : A great gift for people who you can't abide or the deaf. Available now

on PWL records.

David Jensen : And for a limited time, if you buy the CD or tape, then we'll give you

FREE and for no extra money, the 12" remixes which you would

NEVER want!.

GRAMS : Record fade out.

Announcer : Part 2 of Part 2. That's rather good isn't it!

Caller : Call for Judge Crunn

Caller 2 : Call Judge Crinn

Caller 3 : Call Judge Crint

Minnie : (off) Henerey. Henry Crunn, Hen buddy, they want you.

Henry : Yes mnk (mouth noises) mnk. What do they mnk want?

Minnie : I don't know buddy

Henry : Eh? Who's this, mnk, buddy?

Minnie : I don't know

Henry : Then why did you bring him up?

Minnie : Bring who up Henry Crunn?

Henry : Buddy!

Minnie : Who's this Buddy?

Henry : I don't know, you silly needle naddle noo of a woman!

Minnie : Don't you talk, don't you talk to me like that Crun!

Henry : I can't help it, it's the only way I know!!!

Minnie : Well its just not good enough

Henry : Sorry Min. (pause) Minnie?

Minnie : Yes Hen?

Henry : What did you want?

Minnie : I don't know Henry!

Henry : Well you should do

Minnie : Should do what?

Henry : Know Henry.

Minnie : But I do know Henry!

Henry : Well who is he, eh? eh? who mnk is he then?

Minnie : He is you, you twit.

Henry : Fine, fine, fine

Eccles : Here, that's my line you twit

Bottle : And that's my catchphrase you rotten swine!

Caller : Call for Judge Crun

Caller 2 : Judge Crun

Caller 3 : Judge Crun

Henry : Ohhhhh!, they want me Min

Minnie : You'd better go then

Henry : Okay Minnie.

F.X. : Jogging - slow start - get faster - faster - faster - pop

NASA : Mission Control Here

Yank : Go ahead Mission Control

NASA : We have an unidentified object coming towards you

Yank : Yes I know!

NASA : How did you know?

Yank : It's just knocked on the door and asked how far it is to Court number

2

Man : It's all rather silly really......

GRAMS : Fade in Court Room Noises

Caller : All rise for Judge Crun

Henry : Hello everybody. Now what's going on here then?

Pros : M'lud, it's the Trial of the Crown against Bluebottle

Henry : Can I see this?

Pros : I don't know M'lud.

Henry : So much for law school!

Defence : M'lud, have you not read your brief yet?

Henry : Don't be so silly. I've got them on!

Pros : (off) My life!

Henry : Alright then, get on with it.

Defence : I'm sorry M'lud, we can't

Henry : And why mnk is that?

Defence : 'Cos we've reached the end of this part of the script!

Henry : Oh my, my, my!

Announcer : Will the trial ever get going or will the high powered inertia of the

British judicial system keep it going for five years? Find out in the

next part of....

GRAMS : Fanfare

Bottle : Nye hee he, The Trial of Blunebottle

GRAMS : Fanfare - raspberry.BP

Sketch 4. Thomas the Tank

Ringo : Thomas the Tank was just pulling into the sheds when he saw his

friend, the fat controller.

"Hello" said Thomas to the fat controller

"Hello" replied the controller. "Now listen", he continued, "I've heard that you haven't

been running to time"

"Well what's the problem?" replied Thomas

"The problem is that this is the new modern British Rail"

"Exactly, what's the problem?!!"

"Look, it's just not good enough, so I have given your driver some new solid fuel."

"Oh, I was wondering what that red rock stuff was!. Is it good?"

"Yeah, you'll get a kick out of it."

Next day Thomas was going down the Liverpool to Carlise line when his driver said,

"Look Thomas, I'm going to use this new fuel"

"Alright" replied Thomas cheerily, "stoke me up"

The driver started to put the fuel into Thomas's boiler when Thomas started to complain

"What's up Thomas?" asked the driver

"My stomach hurts" replied Thomas

F.X. : Explosion

"Phew what a smell!!!" said the driver as he decended from 10,000 feet

Sketch 5 - Cook and Moore

Dud : Hello there Pete

Pete : Hello Dud, how you diddling?

Dud : Fine, fine, fine

Eccles : 'ere, what 'ave I told you about using my catchphrase

F.X. : Shot, falls to the floor

Pete : That's good

Dud : 'ere, what's that your reading?

Pete : It's a book, Dud

Dud : I can see that you pratt!. What is it about then?

Pete : Oh it is a classic, an work of great skill, love and attention which

culminates in the ultimate for one man

Dud : It's not one of those dirty books again Pete, 'cos you said that you

were going to give them up

Pete : If you'd let me finish, you would have heard my next utterence which

was that it is called the Life and Times of Bert Microshop

Dud : And who is he then?

Pete : Who Bert Microshop?. He is only the man who invented the holes for

those french cheeses

Dud : You mean those soft yellowy things that smell like my Aunt Dolly's

knickers after she has peeled them off

Pete : Exactly.

Dud : Mind you

Pete : What?

Dud : It has to be said that my Aunt Dolly smells of fish so I suppose the

cheesey pants would be a perfect compliment

Pete : Well, that's what I was saying the other day

Dud : Pete?

Pete : Yes Dudley?, hold on Dud, have you seen my new case?

Dud : No

Pete : You must have, it's brown.

Dud : Oh what?. Hold on, come to think of it

Pete : Go on

Dud : I do remember seeing it

Pete : Were then?

Dud : I'm sitting on it! And I'll tell you what

Pete : What Dud?

Dud : I'm sitting on the handle, and it ain't 'arf gining me the horn

Pete : What do you mean, the hard upthrusting plastic

Dud : Yes, the perfectly formed handle, going right up my

Pete : The old rectal passage

Dud : Arse!

Pete : That as well!

Dud : I don't know why, it just gave me the horn

Pete : Well getting back to this book

Dud : Yes, coming back to the book, ha ha, geddit, coming

Pete : Yes, very funny, you should be on the radio

Dud : What was it called again?

Pete : The Life and Times of Bert Microshop

Dud : Any good then?

Pete : In parts

Dud : Which parts?

Pete : Well, the pages without words on them I suppose

Dud : What, the covers?

Pete : Don't you talk to me about Dannii Minogue's new L.P.

Dud : Eh, what? what?. I wasn't!

Pete : Just as well then isn't it.

Dud : So the book is a bit crappy then?

Pete : Yes

Dud : What is it about then?

Pete : Dunno!

Dud : How come then you don't know after saying it was an epic

Pete : Well, I have yet to get past page 3

Dud : Why?

Pete : Well I'm still looking for the bird with the big knockers!!!

Dud : And I thought that you were going to give them up!

Pete : It's is the temptation of the brain overcoming the will

Dud : Bollocks!. I always thought you were a gross sexual pervert

Pete : Nah!.

Dud : Then why do they know you by your name in the local Private Shop

Pete : They don't!

Dud : But I saw you the other day and they said hello followed by a name

Pete : Yeah, yours!

Dud : You rotten swine.

Bottle : I hearded that you, hold on, don't you point that naughty type deading

gun at me. No don't shoot me, harm can come to a young man like

that!

F.X. : Shot, fall to the ground

Bottle : Nye hee!. I've just been deaded!

Dud : Peeeeete

Pete : Yes Dudley?

Dud : Who are all these dead idiots on the floor?

Pete : Just idiots who are dead!

Dud : Oh. Peeeeeeeeeeeeete

Pete : Yes Dud?

Dud : Can I borrow that book?

Pete : Why is that Dud?

Dud : Cos I need some toilet roll

Pete : What happened to that Bible I gave you last week

Dud : Well I had a vindaloo last Friday

Pete : So what is so unusual about that?

Dud : It was that my Shirley was giving me a blow job at the time

Pete : So what is so unusual about that?

Dud : It was in Welsh!

Pete : Give you a dose of the craps then?

Dud : Phoar!, you can say that again

Pete : Why's that then?

Dud : 'cos it sounded very sexy!

Pete : Oh alright then, (clears throat) Give you a dose of the craps then?

Dud : Yeah, it did. So I need another book as I need to go the bog

Pete : Well you can't keep on using books to wipe your arse on Dud

Dud : Why not?

Pete : Think how the people down the library feel

Dud : When?

Pete : When they open the book only to find pages stuck together which

huge great widges of shit inbetween

Dud : They'd never find them!

Pete : Why not?

Dud : I always rip them out and send them off

Pete : Were to?

Dud : God knows, I just shove them in the letter box

Pete : No name or address

Dud : No, why should I do that?

Pete : Otherwise it won't get anywhere!

Dud : Oh. So can I borrow the book?

Pete : Yeah go on. It's only any good for bog roll anyway!

Dud : Bye Pete

Pete : Bye then Dud

The Credits:

GRAMS : "Cocoon" by Timerider

Written, directed and performed by Paul F. Johnson

Produced by Bill Robinson and Paul Johnson

Any material in this which looks like it has either been pinched, copied or changed a bit,

is a figment of a deranged imagination caused probably by listen to anything by Kylie

Minogue!

The Cook and Moore sketch was written with the aid of a large amount of grapefruit

juice (and an even larger amount of vodka!)

Tune in next time for the third part of "The Trial of Bottle" - a running serial - well it's

more similar to a running sore than serial - but who cares, more than likely some more

Thomas the Tank stories and anything else I feel like shoving in. It's me who writes this

stuff and don't you forget it!!!!!!!!

Byeeeeee.