THE LORD OF THE RINGS III

or THE RETURN OF THE HOBBITS

or even BIGGLES MEETS THE HOBBITS

© 1989 Paul F. Johnson

Please note: Okay, so it's not exactly original subject matter but this was originally thought of whilst on a camping holiday in the Irish Republic. But then as they say - You gives yer money and takes yer choice. This material also contains the warning that naughty type swear words appear in this text and also that the original characters created by Tolkien bear NO resemblance to the ones created in his books. (Thank God!)

The Story So Far......

It has been a few years since Frodo and his mate Sam arrived back from their travels to destroy the great ring in the fires of Doom. The Shire was back to it's original beauty but now a problem was about to raise its 'orrid little 'ead.

It was in the home of Mr Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf had called the meeting. It was not to be any normal type of meeting but a special meeting which was to consist of Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin, Gandalf, Gaffer Gangey, Perrigrin Tooke and Rosie (Sam's (un)faithful wife.)

When the final one of them had entered the room, Gandalf shut the door and put a magical spell on the door so that it would lock and the room became sound proof. Only he didn't. The spell misfired and caused a temporal time warp which would pull anything metallic through from a second in a minute in an hour of a day of a week in a month of a quarter in a year of the future - the year was 1943. The metallic object was a plane. The contents were Capt. J.T. Bigglesworth, Algy and Ginger.

Gandalf was not to know that.

"Are we all here?" said Gandalf the white
"I'm not all here" replied Sam
"Well I'm not talking to you and here, don't go near those..."

Suddenly there was an explosion and Sam stood there.

"Has anyone seen my legs?"

Frodo woke up and farted. It was a quiet squeak but the smell was a right eggy!. Merry turned round and exclaimed thus:
"Frodo? Have you just farted?"
"Yes. Nice isn't it!"

Once the commotion had died down, Gandalf continued,

"This is a meeting about the amount of grass we're growing. It simply IS NOT ENOUGH. This time last year, we'd grown quite a few k's of the stuff which was sold to Durrin's men. But this year is different."
"Well, last year it be because of that magic dust that we put on it. That what be the cause of all of it, it be." said Sam in a very silly way.

Meanwhile, Biggles, Algy and Ginger weren't quite sure of what was going on. Biggles tried the intercom but found that it didn't work, the controls were dead, no navigational help, nothing and what was to cap it all was that one of the engines on the twin engined Cocston Thrasher Bi-plane had started to fail. There was nothing for it.

"I say Algy, pass me the substances"
"You're not going to smoke it are you, it makes such a bally smell" said Ginger
"Shut up and pass it over."

Ginger stood up and walked over to the medical chest to get out a lump of resin. When this simple task had been completed, he passed it over to Biggles who was now trying to mellow out. Not very easy at 15000 feet!.

Soon Biggles had scraped off enough resin to roll a decent spliff and lit it up. Psychedelic colours started to appear before Biggles eyes as his pupils started to dilate.

"I say Biggles?" started Algy
"Hey, yeah man, wooooo!, like, what's happening dood?" squeaked Biggles
"We seem to be going down" replied Ginger sternly
"Wo yea!. I'm goin' up and you're goin' dahn. Ha ha ha heeee!"
"No, seriously. Biggles, we're DEFINITELY going to crash"
"Don't worry. Where are we mhan?"
"Well we should be over South West Asponistan"
"So what are you worrying about?"
"We're not."
"Shit"

In the little room of Bilbo's house, a small row had started to develop about the amount of illegal substances being produced.

"Well, what happened to it" yelled Gandalf the furious
"I smoked it" replied Sam
"What, all of it?" enquired Frodo the wiffy bum
"No, of course not. Merry and Pippin helped"
"Didn't" said Merry
"You bloody well did!" said Sam
"Look smeg head, we didn't" said Pippin
"Listen toss for brains, you bloody well bleedin' did"
"We didn't you total arse headed bloody stupid pseudo-dwarf"
"You did, the pair of you sweaty footed, smeg headed, farty breathed and total and utter fuckwits!"
"No we didn't - so PISS OFF!" yelled both Merry and Pippin

And Sam did so, all over them!

Order was soon resumed when Rosie (who was under Perrigrin at the time) blurted out asking if anyone was aware of a sound which came from the sky and was getting closer. No one had. Which was a pity considering the fact that it could be too their advantage. But for the gathering (except Perrigrin and Rosie who had changed positions), the matters in hand were of more importance than a sound which was getting quite loud. The reason that no-one admitted that they had actually heard the roaring noise getting louder was that they were all scared of Gandalf who towered over all of them and now that he had joined the Hell's Angels, had become a very sadistic magician and he quite frequently went over to Moria to give a firework display in which contained thermo-atomic devices, bazooka rockets and various explosive substances and if they didn't cheer loudly enough as they were either blown up, irradiated or vaporized, Gandalf would change them into something which resembled Grimer Worm-tongue.

"So you smoked it all?. Sam, Merry and Pippin?."
"YES" said Sam, Merry and Pippin in unison
"Do you know how much we could have sold that for?"
"NO" replied Sam, Merry and Pippin, again in unison.
"A lot of money."
"Hey listen you lot." screamed Perrigrin
"To what, and what is you be doin' to moi wife?" asked Sam
"That roaring noise."
"You been doin' that there roarin' noise to moi wife. Well I don't like it Mr Frodo, we never had any problems like that with that slimey Golum creature, now did we Mr Frodo?. What a carry on that be."
"Sorry Sam, what did you say?" yawned Frodo
"That Golum creature, we never have any sort of problem did we Mr Frodo?. Never did anything loike that to a Hobbitses wife did 'e?." he paused and the continued "And will you stop fartin!"

What failed to have gripped Sam's small mind was the abundant amount of men friend that Rosie had. The fact was that before Sam had married her, she was known around town as "Rosie the Goer" or the only Hobbites to have draws which go down faster than an Ethiopian chasing a chicken, so it was more than likely that Golum had sometime or other, had Rosie, but this is circumstantial to Sam.

"Ah," reminisced Frodo, "Golum. Dear old Golum. He died didn't he?"
"No." said Sam
"No?. But I thought that he fell into the great fire."
"Well, I admit that it did look like he fell in."
"What do you mean look like?. He did, didn't he?"
"Not exactly. We'd both been doin' some bad acid the night before and I said that that he should make it look like he fell in. Who the hell do you think runs the drugs cartel up in the misty mountains and who else can produce magic mushrooms bigger than you?" gasped Sam who now looked a delicate shade of blue in the face.

Suddenly and totally without any provocation, one of the wall's in Bilbo's home fell in crushing Bilbo's left foot.

"Ouch." said Bilbo in a couldn't give a toss way
"Look" said Frodo, "one of the walls have fallen down"
"Whoop-de-fuckin'-do" said Gandalf as he picked his teeth
"Yes and it hurts." continued Bilbo, totally laid back
"Do you want us to move it?" asked Sam
"What do you think you moronic midget?"
"Silly question. Come on, give us a hand."

They all clapped and cheered like maniacs.

"Sarcastic Bastards." grumbled Sam as the clear up began.

Biggles's trip was drawing to a close when he noticed that the 'planes controls were back and that a navigated crash could be in order so that their pathetic little lives could be saved. A plan was put into action.

"Algy" started Biggles coldly
"Yes Biggles." said Algy shaken but not stirred
"Adjust the bi-co-ordinate adjustment ratio to 1.75"
"Eh?"
"Adjust the bi-co- oh, just press that button"
"You mean the one with the large orange sign above it which says 'For Chrissake, don't touch this button'?"
"Yes"
"OK" said Algy and then braced himself for what ever was going to happen next.

Nothing happened, except the button lit up.

"Ginger" said Biggles curtly, but not to curtly as Capt. J.T. Bigglesworth always thought that you should be nice to people and should only talk to them in this manner if the circumstances dictated it and they did.
"Yes Biggles you old scrote"
"See if you can find us somewhere nice to park"
"Park?"
"Yes, didn't you hear me?. Park."
"Sorry, but I thought that we were going to, well crash"
"No. Who told you that?"
"It's just what's written here."
"Well, that's fucked up the authors ideas!"

Meanwhile back in the hobbit house.....

"I say, this wall hurts a bit" yawned Bilbo
"Complain, complain, complain. That's all you ever do!. Do you ever stop?" said Pippin.
"Yes, but only when I'm asleep."

Gandalf was now wandering what should be done to Merry, Pippin and Sam for the blowing of all the grass. Nasal decapitation was too good for them, it would have to be radiation treatment.

"Sam, Merry and Pippin?" said Gandalf firmly in the manner to which we all expect Gandalf to speak.
"Yep/Yes/What do you want git face?" came the replies of the three
"Stand against that wall."
"Pardon?"
"I said stand against that wall."
"I'm sorry we can't hear you. Speak up" said the three to a backdrop of an engine getting louder in the background
"AGAINST THE WALL"
"It's no use, still can't hear you."

The Earth beneath the feet of the party started to shake, the noise started to get louder, Gandalf's face became redder, steam started to come form his ears when finally ......

"STAND AGAINST THAT BLOODY WALL" bellowed Gandalf
"Sorry, no good. Can't hear a bloody......"

"I say, Biggles?" murmured Ginger
"Yes" replied Biggles
"Where are we?"
"Hobbiton" emanated a voice from out of the rubble
"Hobbit where?" enquired Algy
"Hobbiton" came the voice again
"Bally hell, I knew we were off course but this!" said Ginger
"Woh up loike. OO you be?"
"Algy,"
"Yes Biggles"
"How many times have I told you to NOT impersonate Major Problem"
"I didn't" pleaded Algy
"Then who did?"
"Oi did" said Sam as his head appeared from out of the rubble
"And who or WHAT are you?"
"Woi, I be an obbit, that wot I be!"
"Strange name!."
"Not as strange as something I've just thought of" said Biggles
"What's that?" enquired Ginger and Algy, who althrough this story, have not yet dabbled in anything which could be deemed as even VAGUELY pervy.
"Pouring cold tea over a woman, covering her in lard, whipping off the lard, massaging the wounds with leather and vinegar, applying a thick layer of hair wax over the body then steam shaving it off her and for a final encore, screwing her into the ground!"
"Done it." came a female voice from the pit
"WHAT?!!" screamed Biggles
"Seen it, had it, done it."
"Who's that."
"Rosie, and it will cost!"
"I'm not surprised." said Ginger

Biggles surveyed the scenery. It was ravishingly beautiful, the wild heather, the poppies, the funny looking plants, the grass, the other grass. To be short, it was nice to behold.

By the time all of the confusion had been come over, and the three had met the others and a few choice things had been said among them which amounted to the three saying no more than their name, rank, number, crotch size and inside leg measurements.

I say that all of the party which were in what was Frodo's home had appeared, that was all except two, Bilbo and Gandalf. Gandalf because he managed to see the danger and act by becoming something else, in this case a feather, and was blown away by a puff (which he rather enjoyed!). Bilbo was stilled trapped under the wall which had fallen on top of him. He let out a small cry which everyone ignored.

Gandalf soon re-appeared.

"What are you?"
"No telling you. Under the Genever convention..." started Biggles
"The what convention?"
"Genever" replied Biggles
"Anyway, under that we only need give name, rank and number."

After many days and a lot of dope, Biggles conceded and told them that they are men, well he was anyway and that he wasn't sure about Algy or Ginger but he knew he was (well he did the last time Rosie took him).

Bilbo managed to get free and clambered to the surface only to get Algy's boot in his gob.

The hobbits explained their situation to Biggles, Algy and Ginger and what they needed. If they would do this, then Gandalf would send them back from whence they came.

What they needed was a grass runner and what they got told was this....

"Piss off."

Suddenly Biggles noticed a shrinkage on his body and so terrible was it and in such a rotten place, that he soon revoked what had been said and agreed to do it.

Judge Dredd briefly appeared before getting a misdirected thermo-nuclear device up his nose. Judge Dredd briefly disappeared as he wasn't supposed to be in this story anyway!

Durrin and his mates had some of the best Opium plantations this side of the Misty Mountains and happened also to be the third largest of the Middle Earth Mafia families. The second largest was Bilbo's lot but the big one was The Misty Mountain tribe lead by Golum who by this time had been genetically remutated into something which didn't hiss at the end of each sentence or even make those fucking annoying gulping sounds and as a result of this had changed his name to Phil.

In Hobbiton (Twin towned with a nice back garden in Milton Keynes - there is only one after all!), Gandalf was, and to put not too fine a point on it, getting pissed off by the fact that Durrin had gained more power than his lot and so, and under the utmost secrecy, Gandalf phoned up Durrin on his new Hobbitelecon portable phone which only cost 5 gold pieces off peak and 8 in peak times per minute. A recording was made for fun by Sam who for some unknown reason had become an electric telecommunications boffin. I think he became that 'cos I wanted him to be something more than a total fuckwit and dross head and so you may feel a bit sad at the end.......

Bleep Bleep Blurp CLICK
"Hello" started Gandalf
"The number you have just dialled has cleared."
"Oh Fuck."
"The number you have just dialled has"
CLICK
Bleep Bleep Blurp CLICK
"Hello" re started Gandalf
"Anyway, I thought you should know that this" came a voice
"Hello?" queried Gandalf
"Joan?. Can you hear someone else?"
"No. Anyway as I was saying"
"Shit." said Gandalf quietly. He then roared "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"There is someone else there you know!"
CLICK
Bleep Bleep Blurp CLICK
"Hello" re re started Gandalf
"Hello, who is this?"
"Gandalf the Hells Angel"
"Who are you looking for?"
"Durrin."
"Sorry mate. Wrong number. This is Bleep Blep Blurp"
CLICK
Bleep Bleep Blurp CLICK
"Durrin?" re re re started Gandalf
"This is Durrin." started the voice
"Ah Durrin, Gandalf here"
"I'm sorry but I'm not in at the moment. If you leave a name and number after the tone, I shall try to get back to you. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"
"Gandalf the Hell Raiser Here. I'm on Hobbiton Blurp Blinp Bleep. Call me back. It's urgent."

In the cockpit of Biggle's Cokston and Thrasher twin engined bi- plane, Algy was contemplating their position with Ginger and Biggles. Doggy with a bow.

After the end of the frivolities, Algy asked Biggles a question which was to be the cause of a problem. The question just happened to be asked when Biggles was somewhere just past the third outer moon of Absolute Total Faroutnes, third turn off on the Spagetti Junction South West North Bound.

"Biggles you arsehole sucker." started Algy
"Fuckya, ya wanka" slurred Biggles
"Ginger?" said Algy
"Yes" said Ginger
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Depends what about."
"Biggles."
"Wurble ya fukar" burbled Biggles who was now just past the forth moon of Absilon Betamax
"What about him?"
"He's stoned."
"Algy," began Ginger.
"Yeh?"
"Have you an O level in stating the bloody obvious?"
"But think about it. Do you particularly like Biggles like this?"
"What?. Do you mean as in the Leather flying suit with the lurex poser pouch or as in his general state of being?"
"His, his, his general state of being" said Algy startled
"No. Mind you, I can't really say I like the fart flapped Captain at the best of times."
"Goo Goo Ya Bum Stufa. I've got a lovely bunch of... Wha? Try it again you fucka an I'll kill ya." glooped out Biggles
"So what do you propose?" said Ginger as Biggles stuffed a finger up one of his orifices.
"Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!" blurted out Biggles who was now just becoming boring with these out bursts
"I say this." said Algy thoughtfully
"What?"
"This." retorted Algy
"This what?"
"Listen toe rag. Shut up and Listen."
"Okay. It wouldn't be so bad if you actually like said anything."
"Right. When we get over to the far foreign place, instead of picking up the stuff, or killing them just a bit, why don't we just like take the stuff, and then drop it back on them. O.D. them all. Fuckin Supliers. But what makes it worse are those scum sucking bastards who push the stuff. And that's what we'd become by taking it back."
"Good Idea."
"Shit. What is that stuff?" said Biggles blurily
"Illegal probably." said Algy to one side after his great anti drugs campaign speech, "Let's get going.......CONTACT"
"Damn. Dead Battery. Anyone got the jump leads?"

Gandalf was still waiting on his telephone call from Durrin when Rosie asked him for something. When he had performed the act on this nymphomaniac of a hobbittes, decided to help The terrible trio to start the plane up.

After winding up the elastic band, filling up the paraffin stove and re-lighting the candle, the plane still wouldn't work. Biggles found out what the problem was after a few minutes of thought. He whispered it to Gandalf who laughed a bit, turned the key which wound up the thingy, that turned the widgit, which rewound the oojey, that turned the spring, that made a rude noise, that started the engine. Biggles pulled down his glasses, switch the headlights on, put down the flag and started to move off.

"After turning on the engine, put foot L on pedal K while turning knob J" said Biggles
"Biggles?" said Algy
"Yes, what now?" replied Biggles
"What are you reading?"
"Teach yourself......to drive a plane. After three short clicks, turn knob H and gently pull up on the gear stick. When that has been done......"
"I say Biggles."
"Yes."
"You can't actually drive a plane then"
"Well not in so many words"
"How many words then?" said Ginger who was just being a smartarse
"About seven." replied Biggles. "Adjust knob K to make a blue flashing light come on and ease off the small green thing marked 'Small Green thing'...................."

Back on Earth, Sam had caught wind (ooer) of what his wife had been up to all of the time that he was away, and come to think of it, most of the time that he was at home. Infact since the day of his engagement party when for ten minutes, Frodo and Rosie disappeared and when asked what he had done, just said that he been 'planting the seed'.

"Rosie. What be all of this that oiv bin 'earing about you and all of these other 'obbits" started Sam
"Sorry. I don't understand you. Talk English you half pint pratt"
"Ok"
"Right then, what's your problem?"
"What have you been doing with all of these other men?"
"Sleeping with them"
"Just sleeping?"
"Yes, sleeping"
"Fair enough then. So long as they're not fucking the arse off you."
"Hmmmmm." hummed Rosie who had just noted down the idea in a small blue book
"And you're sure it's just that you're sleeping with them?"
"Sure. As if I'd be unfaithful to you my dear" said Rosie giving his dick a twist.

Back in the air, Algy had just explained the plan to Biggles and was being hit about the head with a large herring (which had died by being fed cement) when something came across the radio communications set.

"Ginger" said Biggles, "Wipe it up."
"Sorry old botty bum stuffer Biggles, it's just I'm so bally excited about this mission. Alot more fun then bombing the shit out of the crouts."
"Nein" said Biggles
"Sorry, didn't get that old squiffy" said Algy
"Nein mein herr. Ist est nicht scherz" came back Biggles
"I say, Biggles old chum" quietly started Ginger who was starting to get just a tinsy bit worried by what Biggles had just said
"Yah mein sechssitzer, altmodisch katzenjammer?"
"Is there anything wrong Biggles you fart bag?"
"Nein mein Gott"
"Then why are you talking in that silly voice?"
"Est ist der hBlich schriftstellar. Er ist der schmerzen! Er ist ein kitsch schriftstellar der komdie!!"
"That's okay then!" said Ginger who had become very worried by Biggles not talking English and going off into German which was against the law and by rights, both Algy and Ginger should shoot him for being a conspirator. Unfortunately they didn't realise that it was included for a dolphin, sorry, a purpose. (Crappy joke I know, but what do expect?. This is chapter 5 you know. And it's still not finished!. Mind you, the way I'm going, this will finish up in chapter 6 hopefully. Please?!!!!)

Ginger looked down and started to clear up his seminal fluids when he noticed that he had left his massive reel to reel tape recorder on record while Biggles had been talking Crout(ish). What a blunder. Tut tut tut. Oh deary deary me. Poor old Biggles!

"Biggles you scum sucking old sick bag?" began Ginger in a friendly way
"Yes you two faced piece of rotten cod" replied Biggles in a similar manner as to which he had just been spoken too "Listen to this....."

Ginger pressed the big brown button, which was next to another two large brown buttons, which in turn sat by a large brown button. In short all the buttons on the recorder were brown. Anyway, he pressed the one marked "Play". Duly it played.

"Est ist der hBlich schriftstellar. Er ist der schmerzen! Er ist ein kitsch schriftstellar der komdie!!"

There was a pause. At first it was a very short pause, but this gradually elongated itself into a longer pause, but it finally ended up as one mother of a pause which has lasted for four sentences!

"Oh shit" said Biggles
"Pardonez?" retorted Algy
"Sheeeeeeeiiiiitttttt! Your going to fuckin well blackmail me aren't you?" cried Biggles in a very silly voice.
"Yes Biggles," said Algy in an extremely silly voice, "we are Captain James Thomas Bigglesworth or should I call you HERR Von Schlapper Bigglezwerth?"
"Okay, I'll go along with it. Let's OD the growers then kill the hobbits. Little Shits!."
"That's not a very nice thing to say about the hobbits!" ejaculated Ginger who seemed to have said quite alot this chapter "I was talking about you!!!" replied Biggles.

Biggles, however, was not to have it all his own way. Durrin had returned Gandalf's obscure telephone call and a new pact was to be formed and with it the largest drugs ring in the whole of Middle Earth. The single most powerful "family" will be created. And what made it so rotten was that no one else in Hobbiton had known about it until it was announced at the next PUCUP (Program Upon Coke Upon Popping). Silly name I know, but then they are silly to grow and do drugs in the first place.

Gandalf the Hell Raiser's news wasn't met very well. Infact it got this response from Gaffer Gangey:

"Fuck that!"

And this from Bilbo:

"Up your arse!"

From Frodo came the following remarks:

(Farty noise) "Piss Off" (Squeak) "Not on your dick!"

Sam was absent as he was screwing his wife. Five minutes latter, the two arrived. Rosie wasn't quite walking correctly as she had just discovered that Sam was hung like a Donkey!!!. Bilbo told them the news. Andrew Lloyd Webber then made a musical about it. Ben Elton wrote a sketch about it. Finally it was used as a storyline for a Stock Aitken Waterman record. Sam, a mild mannered man, retorted like this:

"That's got to be, got to be so shitty!.". (S/A/W eat your heart out!)

As a result of this, there was a small crash, a slurp, a ping and finally five small stains on the wall.

"Pedantic Bastards!" murmured Gandalf as he walked away to his new world of weird colours, funny looking tablets and grey/white dust.

The race was now on to get to Durrin and his white crop first. On one hand was a senile geriatric who couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery, couldn't fly and was up shit creak and on the other hand, there was Gandalf!

Gandalf stood up, chanted a few well chosen words, hit a couple of frogs, eat some grass (and not that sort either!), dropped a right humdinger and in a large stream of white, red and luminous green, which can't be obtained by mere mortals - only magicians, ended up in Milton Keynes.

"Shit!" exclaimed Gandalf as he walked into the local HM PRICE record shop. He casually walked up to the counter were upon he was met by the usual record store assistant greeting:

"Oh God. Not a bleedin' customer." said the spotty youth
"Silence peasant. Tell me where I am." commanded Gandalf
"HM PRICE or can't you read you senile old fart?"
"Senile old fart? SENILE OLD FART?. Do you know who I am"
"No. Tell me Granddad" retorted the assistant
"Gandalf the White" said Gandalf majestically
"Pull the other one mate. Now what do you want?"
"Alright. Have you got Squiggle - The Return"
"Who?"
"No, Montigue Forskin IV" replied Gandalf
"Sorry."
"Never mind. Just die" said Gandalf
"Fair Enough. HURG!!" recoiled the assistant who made a blancmange look intelligent, or at least would do if he wasn't dead!

Gandalf was a bit miffed at why he had appeared in the middle of Milton Keynes at the end of 1989 instead of at Durrin's home where at this very time, Biggles, Algy and Ginger are fast approaching.....

"Biggles," began Ginger, "we're nearly there. What should we do?"
"Dunno. Hold on." said Biggles as he started to look for something.
"If you're looking for the book on flying, it's under you comics."
"Comics?" questioned Biggles
"Yes you know. Beano, Bunty, Barearse Monthly"
"Thanks."

Biggles walked across to the back of the bi-plane and over to his pile of comics, after many minutes searching, well actually, it was more like an hour, he found what he was looking for. Some of those comics were, however, very strange. Some of them, even Algy, who lets face it, was the biggest perv in the middle of Middle Earth, couldn't understand how the ladies got into those positions, and get those items in those places and in THOSE positions. But anyway, Biggles finally found the book. He then returned back to his seat, but only after putting back all of the "comics". So half an hour later, he arrived back to his seat. Algy was waiting for him.

"Algy. Get the fuck out of my chair and get some fuckin trousers on."
"Shan't Biggles" pouted Algy as he started to dance provocatively infront of the wind shield.
"Get out of the Bally way. I can't see" commanded Biggles
"Nope." replied Algy as his gyrated about
"Listen shit for brains. Get out of my way or else - no more bondage for a month" bawled Biggles
"Up your shaft!" stated Algy
"Right then!." said Biggles as he started to undress
"Biggles! What, what, what are you DOING?" asked Algy as his erotic gyrations ceased
"Madam" said Biggles (who was a bit confused by now)
"Madam, now I'm a moderately mannered man, but when I'm roused - THERE'S ALL HELL TO PLAY"
"No, no, no!" came back Algy at the prospect of seeing Biggles doing a strip
"Alright then. Shut up and sit down." began Biggles. He then continued in a shout, "AND NOT IN MY GOD-DAMN CHAIR!"
"Biggles" said Ginger quickly, "we're running out of time. Now tell us how we get down."
"Sorry, yes. Chapter 22. Getting down from the sky."

He started to read the book out loud:

"There are two ways of getting down from the sky. The first one is the most commonest. Put Knob D into position K9. Pull on the joystick. It should now start to waggle and jump. When it gets violent, withdraw knob D from position K9, wait until it has settled down, re-insert and repeat. When you can see the ground, withdraw from K9 and ease down by pushing on the joystick. When on the ground, press with foot R, the pedal marked BRAKE. When you have stopped, apply the hand brake remembering to use your rear view mirror and side mirrors all the time, indicating if needed." quoted Biggles

"Sounds a bit hard" said Algy.

Algy, did not notice the obvious sexual overtones in the previous quotation. Really, fancy putting Knob D into position K9. You know what that is, don't you?. You don't?!. Well what is a K9?. Correct. A Doggy. So I wonder what knob D is then?!!. And then Algy saying that it sounded hard. Shite!. You couldn't get more blatant then that could you without saying something like, "Stick your dick in doggy style and flap bash almost until the ecstasy point is reached, pull out, wait a mo, stick it back in then repeat.", Algy would probably have to say something like "Fuck me. I'm getting a stiffy!". At this Ginger probably would oblige the request.

But unperturbed by the obvious sexual conoctations, Biggles continued:

"The second way would be to turn off the engine and let gravity do the rest. That sounds easier. Let's do it!!"

The engine cut out, but when they were getting very close to the ground, Ginger piped up:

"Biggles you old floppy botty, do you realise that we're going to crash?"
"Crash?"
"Yes crash!"
"As in poof?"
"Yes, fuckin CRASH! As in all of us being on the dead side!" screamed Ginger as they hit the ground with what could only be described as a uncrash.

The uncrash was caused by the fact that I didn't want them to die. They all got off with minor injuries.

After a while, the trio disembarked from the plane and set off through the poppy fields in search of the drugs baron, Durrin. And they had a mission.

Or at least he would, if he wasn't still dead, going green and starting to smell!. Or at least he would if hadn't been vapourized by a stray thermonuclear device, as in chapter 3. That's Life!

Fred sat up in bed. It was going to be just one of those days. Reflectively, he lit up as cigarette. Christ, he needed that. Rolling over he noticed the slim slender frame of his wife Denise, who the night before, had prepared the most splendid culinary delight ever, then for the rest of the evening had delighted him in the most intermate of ways. But this was the past. For him, the day was about to begin.

Nine am and all was going smoothly for Fred. His Fiat Panda had managed to get him to his office in good time for him to relax and enjoy a cup of percolated coffee with his secretary Jane. In a round about way, they talked about most subjects and never pried into each others private affairs.

But these niceties had now ceased and work was to commence. A major new initiative was to be put into place for which all of his energies were to be called upon and his vast knowledge of Company Accounts were also to be stretched to the furthest point. Just then his intercom buzzed.

"Mr Smythe?." came the voice
"Yes Jane?" replied Fred
"There is a strange gentleman here to see you"
"Did he give his name?"
"No, he just handed over a tax claim form."
"Oh." said Fred disappointedly, "I was hoping it would be a severed leg or part of a mutilated corpse with blood and entrails strewn across the partially decomposed face."
"Sorry sir. It's just a P6452852389as3957jd part iii(c) form"
"Bring it in then."
"Sorry, no can do. The gentleman has it chained to him"
"Alright then. Show him in."

The door opened and in came an old white bearded man with a suitcase and an Iron Maiden leather jacket on. He approached Fred and pointed one of his old, frail digits at him.

"You sir" began the man, "are a fuckin' wanker."
"PARDON?" shouted Mr Smythe
"You are a wanker and shall die."

A small mist appeared around the finger as the elderly gentleman started to chant. Fred was getting worried.
"Jane. Get in here now." said Mr Smythe
"You sound a bit worried. Shall I call security?"
"No. Just get the fuck in here!"
"Mr Smythe!. There's no need for that sort of language!"

As Jane was about so enter the room she noticed a small puff of gas and a green light come from under the door. Just then the intercom sounded.

"I'm sorry about that Jane" came the voice of her boss
"Well, it did take me by surprise"
"So sorry, now will you come in and bring in the Polaroid"
"Certainly"

Jane entered the room and noticed that there wasn't something quite right about Fred. Could it be the fact that he looked a bit older or that he was a bit slimmer or even that he had just told her to "get 'em off!".

The orgy lasted for hours, then Fred went home and fucked seven bells out of his wife. He was a changed man. He also changed his name after reading a book to Grandelv.

Biggles wasn't to know this. For him, the mission was to become an arduous one for the fact that all of the stash had to be disposed of on those little cretins was terrible. But what could he do?. After all, he did start to talk in fluent crout while Ginger had left on his tape recorder.

Durrin's house approach fast, then slowed down a little, turned right, kept going straight for five yards, realised the mistake, turned around, started back towards Biggles and his companions, stopped a mid-stride, turned around again and finally fell over it's shoe lace.

"What a strange house!" exclaimed Algy
"Don't be silly, it's a flat." replied Ginger
"How do you deduce that, Ginger you old rim basher?"
"Well, look. It's just fallen over!" laughed Ginger
"A bit like you, my old bean" grumbled Biggles at the vague and useless attempt at a joke by Ginger
"Pardon Biggles Mien Kapitan!" sniggered Ginger

Ginger suddenly crashed to the ground with two of his teeth in close pursuit of his mouth!!

Then from out of the house issued forth the sound:

"OH JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY. I'M COMIN!, I'M COMIN!, I'M COMINHahhhhh!"
"That's funny" said Ginger through a mouth of blood
"What is?" asked Biggles who was quietly laying his boot into Ginger
"Someone know's we're here!!"
"Sorry?" replied Algy (who at the time was also laying into Ginger)
"Didn't you hear that voice?" enquired Ginger
"What voice?. And stay still, I'm trying to smash in your genitals!" retorted Algy
"The one from the house"
"Ying Tong Salabim Quack!" came the voice from the house
"Yes, I did. No you didn't. Maybe he could have. Je suis, tu et, il et, elle et, nous avon, vous allez, ils sont, elles sont!" said Biggles, who once again was showing off his abilities for foreign languages.
"Oh fuck off." said Algy to Biggles
"You what?!" sounded off Biggles
"Stop babbling on. You're not impressing anyone you know"
"Pardonez?"
"SHUT THE BALLY HELL UP!" said Ginger and Algy in unison. They said it together because otherwise all hell would be let loose if in some far distant year, some idiot wanted to record this on plastic covered with Chrome Dioxide metal, by himself!.

A small figure approached Biggles and the rest of his crew

"Ah sir, I couldn't help but notice your ability to speak in different tongues" said Thing
"It's just talent I suppose" said Biggles with a large smile over his face
"Well, it won't be much use here as people who can talk other languages are usually shot for being able to talk in the voice of another. That is unless you are a free mason. You're not a free mason are you?."
"No." said Biggles
"Sure about that? I mean, I always wanted to know what you guys are and what's with the funny handshakes and why can you always get off when you're in trouble by just saying some magical word and rolling up one of your trouser legs."
"Sorry, no." snapped back Biggles

Algy was now getting bored and decided to smash in the head of this annoying little shitter. This he did with great ease. The three then got back together and started towards Durrin's house. It took five minutes. In the meantime, here is some music....

CLICK

"Open up in the name of Biggles, lord chief on high low middle middle south"
"No. Piss off." came back a small voice
"I said Open up for Biggles, ruler of the high bits at the top of the ears"
"And I said Piss off. Now Piss off!"
"Listen uncouth voice. Open up or I'll start crying."
"And I'll repeat what I say all the time, Piss off!!!"
"Right then. That does it, I'm going to cry."
"Cry then you wet button hole"
"Okay. I'm going to start crying. I'm going to start crying, right NOW........wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, boo hoo, mummy, wahhhh, ahahhahhhhhhh, sniff, wahhhhahhahhhhhhahhhhh, mwa, sniffhu"
"Listen here you" said Algy,"You have now reduced this man too tears. Here stands a great man. A man who has had books written about his valour, a man who single handedly won the Battle of Britain and the man who has the largest jock strap in the known earth!. Now look at him, reduced to tears. It's enough to make you want to cry, waahhhhhhahahahahhhhhhh, sob, winge, cry, sobs"
"You bastard!. You complete and utter nob ended bastard!. Look here, not only have you reduced to a crumpled heap my commander and probably the only man who can start up a plane with his nob, but also my closest and dearest friend. Now are you going to open up or shall I barge my way in."
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" replied the voice
"Like that then is it?. Biggles, Algy, stop crying and start wanking." commanded Ginger
"Why wanking?" asked Biggles
"Well for me and Algy, we can have a bit of light relief, but for you, you can open up the door with the might and majesty of your prick."
"Like to oblige old man, but to tell you the truth, I'm actually hung like a limp carrot. This thing about me having a massive tool is a load of bull. It was made up by the author to make him not feel too large!"
"Oh shity fuckin' bastardy cunts" replied Ginger to this statement which Biggles had just said.
"That was a nice meaty mouthful!" exclaimed Algy

Then from high above came a laugh. It started as a tittle, then a titter, then a giggle, a snigger, a laugh, a guffaw then a crash as the guard hit the deck.

"Never fails" said Biggles.

Grandelv was up shit creek back in 1989 as he hadn't realised what an absolutely brilliant customs and excise people the small island of Great Britain had. The large consignments of various narcotic substances had mostly been caught up with but prosecution was very difficult as anyone who accused him would accidently and brutaly kill themselves by dismembering parts of their bodies while having a shave. For him, the future was to be a crappy one, so to this end, the crazy old fart decided to return to the land of the Hobbits to rule it with an iron lung, wooden leg and a plastic thing with equally divided parts on it.

Back in Durrin's home, Biggles, Algy and Ginger had just gained an entrance to the great castle, but at the same time, had just lost an small window and the back exit.

The intrepid trio had, however not bargained for the ease at which they could over throw the great Durrin. They all approached the great hall of Dur but as they were about to enter noticed a small notice which read, "I'm sorry but no-one is at home at the moment so if you would please leave a name and number at which you can be reached, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank You. Durrin."

"Bollocks to that!" roared Biggles as he entered the hall
"Listen, can't you read?" said a small voice
"Algy," started Biggles, "what did you say?"
"Nothing Biggles you wet hankerchief. Did you hear anything Ginger you stifeled moan?" asked Algy
"No."

From behind a chair sniggering and small chuckles were to be heard, but for Biggles, Algy and Ginger, the mystery about who it was, was still an ongoing mystery.

"Listen, who is in here?" asked Algy
"No-one is." replied the voice
"Well then if no-one is in here, who just spoke?"
"You did" said the voice
"No I didn't!" said Algy sharply
"You did, you know!"
"I know what?" asked Algy who was starting to get a bit confused
"You know what you just said"
"No I don't!!" exclaimed Algy rather loudly
"I say Algy old chap" spake Ginger
"Not now. Look, I don't care who is in there, just come out."
"Algy....." said Ginger who was now by the chair
"Piss off you scrote!" said the voice
"So there is someone in there!" shouted Algy triumphantly
"No there isn't!" protested the voice

Ginger was now behind the chair, and in the twinkle of an eye, three figures came out. One said he was Durrin.

"I am Durrin. What do you want?"
"I am Captain James T Bigglesworth of His Majesties Royal Aircorps and I have a mission"
"What is it?" asked Durrin
"I want all of your illegal crops forever"
"Okay" said Durrin
"And if you give me any.......WHAT???"
"Okay, have it."
"Hold on Biggles you sweaty pubed old finger frigger, if he was the real Durrin, he wouldn't give us his massive crop so easily, now would he?"
"No, I would. I'm a coward." said Durrin
"Bullshit" said Biggles
"No really, I am. Look, someone say something."

No one did.

"Go on, suprise me."
No one could be bothered.
"Ahhh, please." pleaded Durrin

And after a pause, Algy farted. Durrin shat himself.

"You know, he's right. He is a fuckin coward!" said Ginger.
"Right, you scum sucking pratt who should be violently mutilated for his crimes to the world, were is it."
"Not telling you." said Durrin
"Okay, then I'll have to take away your teddy bear" said Ginger
"No, no, please not Mr Furkins. Not my teddy. I'll tell you everything." simpered Durrin
"Then were is it?" asked Biggles holding the teddy in his hand "In that large cabinet marked - DRUGS DO NOT OPEN."
"Oh, thanks." said Biggles as the three marched over.

Somewhere by the plane a small frog appeared from nowhere.

"Ribbib, ribbib, ribbib" exclaimed the frog

The three gathered the drugs together and sat Durrin and his croanies down, tied them up and gave them each a plastic bag filled with their illicit products, put it over their mouths and noses and watched as they reached a pinnicle then faded into the burning blue yonder. Served them right.

When the terrible trio reached the plane, they noticed a small irate frog turning tinder to flames with just a whish of it's tongue. The frog turned around and looked at the three.

"Ribbib, ribbib, ribbib."
"What did it say?" asked Biggles
"Dunno" replied Algy
"Sounded a bit like Ribbib Ribbib Ribbib to me"
"Christ, watch out Biggles" cried Algy as a sheet of flames whistled past Biggles's left ear
"Powerful little bleeder!" said Biggles

Algy approached the frog, and with a quick handed movement, grabbed hold of the frog, then, with his other hand, picked out a straw, shoved it up where the sun don't shine and blew. The frog duely started to inflate until would you credit it, the thing exploded.

"Dozy little shit. Let's go." said Biggles to his men, "Got some crouts to blow several tonnes of shit out of before noon. Now how do you work one of these planes?. Any ideas Algy?"