The fashion industry is one which tries to basically influence the way in which we dress. Well in theory that is the way, but who can honestly say that they would like to dress in some half ripped shirt with an Oxfam rejected tie, your Grandads waist coat (complete with the big purple with luminous green spotted hankerchief) and a pair of trousers which wouldn't look totally out of place up at Rainhill hospital?! And then to cap it all, charged over three and a half grand for the priviledge to look like a tramp!. If they you were that desperate then they could become a destitute and do it for free after five or six months.

But no, Pierre Cardin or any of those bunch of pratts have got to make the Upper Classes think that they are dressing up in the ultimate of fashions and so to do that, every year they have these great fashion shows. Fashion shows - Great tornements where the fashion houses show off their wears, places where semi senile old bats who have one of those little mutts sellotaped to the underside of their arms and hornrimmed specs, go to have a look at what "the younger generation" will be wearing. And then when it is over and they have gone home they have a soddin great laugh at the whole escapade.

Actually, it is a small wonder that it is possible for the so called experts to be able to get a look in at the stage. The reason for this is that they would first have to get through the photographers, of which there are only two types.

The first is the "Professional". These are the ones who would work for the likes of the Times or one of the classier rags. They are the ones which show one of these mentally subnormal models trapesing around looking like what they are : scruff bags!. But the pictures are always out of focus. The reason for this I shall tell you later.

The other type are the ones who you see on the clothes shows. They are the ones who are working for the likes of the Sun and The Sport - two of the greatest Bastians of the British press - they have their massive lens closely trained on the model. But not on the the clothes you realise. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do not fool yourself. We all know what those two rags want to know do we!. YES THAT'S RIGHT, what is going to be in in 1990 UNDERWEAR WISE! Yes they don't go there for the asteam of the bash, no they go there to try and dig about and uncover any of the hidden dirt and then to try and get couple of pervy snaps for their respective editors.

Now back to something I said earlier. Why are the pictures in the likes of the Times so bad and totally out of focus. Well the reason is for the best part of it that it is the same photographers taking the piccies. So now you know! Mind you, makes you think what would happen when one of these photographers get back and present their pictures.

But there has to be only one part of the fashion industry even worse than the potty Froggy ones and that has to be the Pop Fashion people. These are the headbangers responsible for the Acid clothes. You've all seen them. Those ones whick look like they are pretty normal clothes but they have let some loony loose on them with a spray can which contains about fifteen different colours and then these rejects are sold at some extraordinary price to any kid who is idiot enough to go and buy it!.

It is actually a wonder that the British workmen, sorry, I forgot that we are in the heart of the Socialist Empire - nyer you thought that the centre of Socialism is Moscow or Cuba, well yer wrong, it's Liverpool, so where was I?.

It is actually a wonder that the workperson who works in Britain, I'm not saying that the worker has to be from these septic, sorry slip of the tongue, septered isles, but just happens to be here, hasn't taken up the American ideal and sold the shirt of their back. They could make a bomb, which, if the worker did fully take up the Yankee Ideals, would probably do and then sell it to the Iranians!.

Something else which is becoming more annoying then seeing fellow human beings getting ripped off by this sewer effluent industry, are those bloody massive badges. Christ! They are terrible. And which country was responsible for the start of it all - Yup, America. And in particular - New Kids on the Block. Now I have nothing against this bunch of delinquents, they are just the same as the majority of the drivel which comes out of America. Crap!. But why did they have to adopt the CND badge?.

CND in America hasn't been around that much and in the air of unlocking of the Eastern Block and the lack of tension between two of the Superpowers (we are the first OF COURSE!), the whole organisation seems pretty redundant and more than likely, they New Kids don't even know what CND are actually standing for. No, more than likely they joined up after watching Rambo 58 or something like that and thought CND stood for Campaign for Nuclear Destruction!

And with those massive CND badges came also the ugly three coloured ones of Africa. Well it looks like Africa. Okay, I admit that it could be America or even a rotten spillage of three different coloured paints, but I think it is supposed to be Africa. What is the point of that?. South Africa is becoming freer, North Africa is becoming a vast desert, Central Africa is full of Banana republics or One party states who have just decided to join the Commies (so perhaps the New Kids idea for CND could be good after all!) while everyone else is just leaving the wing of Communism. So they must be a bit cuckoo, a bit of wlerpb, a bit of a bunch of complete headbangers, to do that when the alternative of McDonalds, Sony and Coca Cola is just around the corner. On second thoughts, the idea of making an African badge mightn't be that bad!

I suppose it must be a logical continuation on a theme.....

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD SAID "LET THERE BE LIGHT"

And lo, there was light.

THEN GOD SAID "LET THERE BE MAN"

And lo, there was Man. But man didn't like to think that there was anyone better than he, and so decreed that there should "Be a few changes around here"
SO MAN SAID "LET THERE BE THOSE PATHETIC PROTEST TEESHIRTS"

And lo, the whole of Taiwan was created to make the teeshirts. So soon there was a glut.

THEN MAN SAID "LET THERE ALSO BE THOSE BLOODY SILLY BADGES WHICH WON'T STAY ON YOUR TROUSERS FOR LOVE NOR MONEY"

And lo, Mans word was law. The whole of China was created in a day for the sole purpose of developing a non stick stay on jeans badge.

BUT THE LORD WASN'T GOING TO BE PUT UP WITH AND SO HE DESIGNED THE ACID HOUSE CLOTHES DESIGNER AND BLEEDIN STUPID BADGE CREATOR!.

At this, man cowered on one knee and yelled up to the sky, shouting "We'll get you for that YOU BASTARD"

AND THE LORD AT THIS WASN'T TOO PLEASED AND SO SENT DOWN THE COMMUNITY CHARGE TO GET ON THE NERVES OF THE MEDIA WHO DECIDED TO CALL THE FAIREST EVER CHARGE THE POLL TAX AS NO ONE IN THE BRITISH MEDIA COULD SPELL COMMUNITY!

At this, mankind waved the white flag and decided to go out and get drunk!