Have you ever noticed that when you go for a drink and have drunk it, that you are still thirsty?. Why is this?. Well in my case I'm usually too drunk to notice it, but the question still remains. I reckon that the people who put in that drug in Mcburgers which makes you feel like having one when you walk past, has made another thing which makes you still feel thirsty after drink. But what they don't realise is that as with the McGrotburgers, you still feel sick afterwards!.

Research into the matter, which was paid incidently, with taxpayers money, has been going on for years. And why?. We already know it's because of some bleeding chemical in it, but some poncy intellectual pratt wanted to find out why for himself so now somewhere in Yorkshire there is a permanently smashed Proffesor of Advanced Drinking!.

Of course, when I say "a drink", what I actually mean is 'an alcoholic beverage'. The way that this was traditionally made was very interesting. First you get the hops, smoke in shed for a month or so, smash them up a bit and finally boil and filter off what ever is left. By the way, did you know that they were called hops because of their great laxative properties. Bugger Vodka and Prune Juice - this stuff is dynamite!. One glass of this stuff and your run to the bog would make Ben Johnson's 100meters run look slow!

Next take sugar and yeast in carefully measured quantities and mix with the filtered hop water. This stuff now looks like industrial waste. Transfer into somethings called Brewing Casks for a couple of months. Then tap off into a mug. Now these Brewing casks are made of wood, but not just any old wood that you'd pick up at the local scrappy or building sites which'll be covered in Maggots eggs, woodworm and various other crap. Pity really as it would have made it taste nicer!. No, this has to be made of oak or elm for "richness of taste". This richness comes from the fact that when making the beer, a by product is an acid which eats into the wood so leaving minute holes for mould to grow in and more tiny bits of wood to be added to this evil brew.

The stuff tapped off has to be cleaned and then distilled into it's final product - Clagstons Old Bowel Grinder. Another well known comedian says that this stuff has the original foreskin of the brewer for added body. Well we all know it's not his foreskin, naw, it's the whole dick!.

But what do we have now?. Idiot A bungs in some chemicals into some bloody big Aluminium container. Moron B bungs in something which looks like what the person who drank the bowel grinder has just crapped out!. Next a great big ex- Spitfire Plane propellor complete with engine oil and bits of dead, smashed bits of birds on it, splatters down into this bubbleing mix and starts to mix. While this is happening, Cretin C dumps in some Great British Water - so clean that its being sold to Perrier!.

This may all seem a bit silly and far fetched, but it is true!. And I should know as I was told by someone who read it in the Sunday Sport!!!. The thing is that the big brewing companies actually weigh the propellors before and after it comes out of the sludge. If they have lost about half their original weight and or size, then the booze is just about the right strength for the Austrians - who lets face it would rather drink antifreeze than White wine!. But if the propellors are roughy the same, then it is ready for storage.

This storage is were the great gobs of slime sits to mutate with the help of the gas which is put in as a deliberate attempt to cause acute embarresment by making you fart all the time!.

So after all of this messing, what do we actually end up with?. That's right, good Old British Lager!!.

But seriously now. It must be said that drink damages the brain - but do you know of a more pleasent way then going down the four levels of inebriation?. You must know the 4 levels, come on, you must!!.

This is basically known as "the buzz". Christ only knows why?. Does it make any part of your body buzz?. "Jesus Christ John, My left legs really buzzin!" "Yeah I know. Shut it up will ye. I'm tryin to get seriously smashed here!"

After "The Buzz" will come a stage where it seems that you will get verbal dioreah. It's like listening to Ben Elton on continuous play - but not as funny!. What does make it vaguely funny is the way that no matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in or however long it takes to spill it out, whatever you say comes out slurred, wrong and complete bollocks!. It may be worth noting, this is the time when you are likely to pick up a member of the opposite sex as you WILL say anything!. But then comes the next level.

This is when you sit in the corner of the boozer saying NOTHING. You're just looking, staring deeply, into your drink. And then, as suddenly as it started, you murmer some incomprehesible rubbish and EVERYONE SHUTS UP. Why?

Because they thought you were DEAD. Then one of your mates ask what you said. And out it comes. EVERYTHING. Everything from why your girlfriend left you because you smelt of cabbages and kept farting while making love to the fact that you are not a multi millionaire because the fascist pigs won't give you the breaks. This monologue will go on for AGES!. And by the end, the people around will be either asleep, bored to tears or will have slashed their wrists. But you there is still the final level of drunkeness.

After getting so drunk, you will get to the stage where you bump into everything and then a bit later everything you say will be slurred, wrong, complete bollocks and every other word sworn. After this comes the falling over numerous times and subsequent memory thingy, oh whatzitcalled, anyway, you know what I mean!.

I must admit that I do like a pint of Guiness but the pubs over here can't pour a decent pint of the stuff. Now I've nothing against English pubs but the Guiness over here is too gasy which (a) makes you burp and (b) doesn't make it thick enough.

In the Irish Republic, they use chilled glasses, pour part of the pint, let it settle, pour a bit more, let it settle and so on for about half an hour!. But eventually the drink is ready. And is

1. So heavy you weigh a stone more than before you drunk it
2. Thick enough that you need a spoon to eat it - bugger drinking - this stuff needs chewing!.
3. A head which will last for twenty minutes - even after you've drunk it!.

Cocktails are strange aren't they?. I mean, what is the point of forking out four or five quid just for some tiny yellow and pink drink that is so disgusting that even North West water wouldn't try to sell it!. Now if you were to attempt to make one of these "Pink Sunsets a la Malibou Airport at about 6 on a Sunday morning in the throwing down rain." from the raw ingredients, well you'll be in for a little bit of shock!. Why? Because it is a little known fact that all of these drinks are beamed down from the planet Zob and are actually alive. Yes, yet another great fact from the Sport!. Well can you explain why you feel so bloody awful after drinking one?!. It is because the alien is trying to escape - fighting to get out and usually fails. But the little so and so ahs one last trick up it's sleave. IT WILL MAKE YOU CRAP SOMETHING ROTTEN!. You know how bad it is whern you've got so drunk and ate your 9th Vesta - boil in the bag - total rip off - low in everything including flavour - curry type sludge and your ready to burst. Then imagine that feeling about 6 times over for one of these little gits!.

But some cocktails aren't aliens. No, they are worse. These come from Finbars Filofax and Cocktail bar in London. The worst of these is known as THE ZOMBIE. You can drink as many as you want but unlike normal booze, you still feel fine. That is until you need the toilet then it's a case of "Where the hells me legs?!?". You see the drink works from the legs upwards. So I suppose it's okay for some of the Bus Drivers around here!.

What you must remember is that alcohol is a poison. A friend of mine dropped a bottle of Polish White on the floor and it started to eat through the tiles!. So just think what it will be doing to your body!.