Don't adverts strike you as sometimes being, well, just a bit silly?. Take that Domestos one. How does it go?. "Kills 99% of all known germs DEAD". That's all well and good, but what about that remaining 1%?. Is it an unknown germ or can the bleach just not kill it?. Well if it can't then maybe it the advert should go "kills 99% of all known germs but not that 1% which it can't kill because it is CRAP".

But then what will happen to that remaining 1%?. Will it just sit there, reproducing under the rim and just lie dormant until one day WHOOSH!!! one bloody great germ reaches up after a nice drink of bleach and starts to make a grab for your privates.

But don't you worry 'cos by the time that happens we'll have another type of detergent called BLOW TORCH which will roast the guts out of it and then Colonel Saunders will have another new line - so far they have chickeny bits covered in grit, reconstituted chicken nuggets - REGURGATED NUGGETS more like. I mean, they taste nothing like chicken do they?. Chicken is nice, sweet, tender and juicy - a chicken nugget is rather different - more like paper!. And those cartons of sauce, even that comes into doubt. How can fast food chains pass that stuff off, you know, that red, vinegary stuff as anything. Tomato sauce they call it. Bollocks!. If that's tomato sauce, then I'm a member of the East German Communist Party!

Have you seen the new ads coming on TV. You must have seen them, those American ones with very badly dubbed voice overs and because the Yanks can't talk proper, the lips don't fit the words. Almost as bad as the so called "news". Seen it recently?. East Germany declares itself a bit silly, Romania buys a Maxpax machine and promises to import more Blackadder videos, the Check Government renamed itself as no-one can spell Checkos, Chelosov, Checkoslavacia, Checko well you know what I mean. *And now in the wake of Mandela's freedom we have Nelson Mandela does this, Nelson Mandela does that, Nelson Mandela does the other - if indeed he can get up to the other!. But what will come next?. Nelson Mandela has a bath, Nelson Mandela combs his hair, Nelson Mandela has a fart?

And as for the Green Issue. What a load of CRAP!. Alright, I'll come clean. I use unleaded and recycle my paper and use CFC anti pong stuff and I've got the tee- shirt, the badge, the tape, the book, the film of the book, the sequel of the film of the book, the lamp, the CD, the microscope, the computer program, the sellotape, the video and of course the Governments Green Bill - what a waste of paper that is!.

But getting back to the tee-shirt. What happens when this green madness goes out of style, you'll want to get rid of the I'M ON THE BANDWAGON logo and the NUCLEAR POWER? NO THANKS hippy badge on the jeans. So how will you do it?. That's right - use bleach. But then where does the used bleach go - down the sink to feed THE BLEACH MONSTER!

* - This bit may be omitted if the audience is a bit touchy.