Written, Produced, Performed and Directed by

Paul F. Johnson

(c) Feb. 1991

For Miss T. Boreham

Sketch 1. Cock Sucker.

Announcer : And that will be after we take some commercials here on your local ITV

station.

GRAMS : Mcdonalds music

Commercial : Yes, here at McDonalds, we are not only just pleased to serve you food

which an Ethiopian would probably turn his nose up at, but because of

our intensive training for staff, we have reached a new high in

slimeyness. And you thought the off green gunge we put on out burgers

was disgustingly slimey, well we would even now put it to shame.

Commercial : Here's Fred. Say hello Fred.

Fred : Hello Fred, How can I help you?

Commercial : (Forced) Ho ho ho!. Now Fred, could you tell me how our training

courses are in rough terms?

Fred : Will that be with Fries?

Commercial : (Forced - more!) Ha ha ha, yes. Fred is one of our brighter male

assistants. But for the Girls, it is quite different. We have included a new

item on the bill. Here is June and she is about to serve a customer.

June : Well, I fell that Brecht summed up the futility of the whole of human

existance up in his wonderful book, "Why do you always pee in the

swimming pool?"

Staff : Yes, I supposed he did. Oh God, look out, another dosy customer.

June : Hello Sir, how can I help you?

Cust : A Big Mac and Fries to go

June : Small, medium or large Fries?

Cust : Oh, erm, better make it a large as I'm going to have to have something

to eat once I've spewwed up the burger

June : Anything else sir? A milkshake, fizzy drink or blow job?

GRAMS : "THATS THE DIFFERENCE AT McDONALDS YOU'LL ENJOY!"

Sketch 2. The Bleech Monster

Ben Elton Voice all the way through - previous title : Madness 1.

Loony/manic cheers and whoops.

Don't adverts strike you as sometimes being, well, just a bit silly?. Take that Domestos

one. How does it go?. "Kills 99% of all known germs DEAD". That's all well and good,

but what about that remaining 1%?. Is it an unknown germ or can the bleach just not kill

it?. Well if it can't then maybe it the advert should go "kills 99% of all known germs but

not that 1% which it can't kill because it is CRAP".

But then what will happen to that remaining 1%?. Will it just sit there, reproducing under

the rim and just lie dormant until one day WHOOSH!!! one bloody great germ reaches

up after a nice drink of bleach and starts to make a grab for your privates.

But don't you worry 'cos by the time that happens we'll have another type of detergent

called BLOW TORCH which will roast the guts out of it and then Colonel Saunders will

have another new line - so far they have chickeny bits covered in grit, reconstituted

chicken nuggets - REGURGATED NUGGETS more like. I mean, they taste nothing like

chicken do they?. Chicken is nice, sweet, tender and juicy - a chicken nugget is rather

different - more like paper!. And those cartons of sauce, even that comes into doubt.

How can fast food chains pass that stuff off, you know, that red, vinegary stuff as

anything. Tomato sauce they call it. Bollocks!. If that's tomato sauce, then I'm a member

of the East German Communist Party!

Have you seen the new ads coming on TV. You must have seen them, those American

ones with very badly dubbed voice overs and because the Yanks can't talk proper, the

lips don't fit the words. Almost as bad as the so called "news". Seen it recently?. Saudi

Arabia declares itself a bit silly, Iran buys a Maxpax machine and promises to import

more Blackadder videos, the Check Government renamed itself as no-one can spell

Checkos, Chelosov, Checkoslavacia, Checko well you know what I mean. And what is

even worse now is Saddam Hussein Mania. All we seem to get is Saddam Hussein this,

Hussein that, Hussein the other - pretty difficult owing to the fact that he has such a tiny

dick - well he must, you just have to look at all of the massive phallic symbols he has put

up. What will we have next?, Saddam goes for a walk, Saddam invades Milton Keynes,

Saddam blows his nose, Saddam has a fart?!.

One thing that Saddam has managed to do is get rid of his oil. This has sparked off the

greens again. Now they are a bunch of headbangers aren't they with the so called

"Green Issue". What a load of CRAP!. Alright, I'll come clean. I use unleaded and

recycle my paper and use CFC free anti pong stuff and I've got the tee-shirt, the badge,

the tape, the book, the film of the book, the sequel of the film of the book, the lamp, the

CD, the microscope, the computer program, the sellotape, the video and of course the

Governments Green Bill - what a waste of paper that is!.

But getting back to the tee-shirt. What happens when this green madness goes out of

style, you'll want to get rid of the I'M ON THE BANDWAGON logo and the NUCLEAR

POWER? NO THANKS hippy badge on the jeans. So how will you do it?. That's right -

use bleach. But then where does the used bleach go - down the sink to feed THE

BLEACH MONSTER!

F.X. : More loony cheers and laughs - fade.

Sketch 3. The Blues Song

(FORMAL VOICE) Announcment.

This Sketch has certain words in it which may be deemed slightly offensive, but not as

offensive as used in most everyday speech. Therefore, if you don't wish to hear it, then

fast forward the tape for about two and a half to three minutes. If you do wish to hear it

then I wish to make it clear that I am in no way responsible for the mental state of

yourself after exposure.

(SIDE - STILL FORMAL) P.S. It is also based on the Python Sketch about the man with

Three Buttocks.

Announcer : And now will you welcome onto stage, Mr Julian Clary!

F.X. : Loony cheers and wolf whistles

Julian : I thank you, I thank you. Now as many of you know by now, I am a bit of

a singer and in particular, I enjoy singing the blues.

F.X. : Loud laughs

Julian : No you fool, you should know, I'm not that sort of man. Anyway, here's a

small song about someone called Phil who has three arseholes. I thank

you.

BLUES SONG.

Oh I'm a man with three arseholes

Yes I've got three arseholes

I've always had three arseholes

Include my mouth and I've got four

My dad had three arseholes

Man how he could shit

Except when he had a Chernobyl curry

Then for a week he couldn't sit

It can be a pain with piles

Or if you have a spot on one rim

But it can't half be fun

With Mike, Joe and Tim

F.X. : Loud cheers and laughs. Laughs die. Steps walking on.

Hello there funny little man. And who are you then?

Man : I be one of those yokel folks with a combine arvester!

Julian : So what are you doing here then?

Man : I don't rightly know

Julian : Then go away you smelly little man.

Man : But I've got three arseholes

Julain : No you haven't.

Man : Have you know

Julian : No you don't so run along

Man : I arve

Julian : Then let me see them then

Man : No

Julian : Why then?

Man : Cos I wuz only avin' you orn! (Laughs)

F.X. : Steps off

Julian : Funny little man. Now back to the song.

Oh I'm a man with three arseholes

Yes I've got three arseholes

I've always had three arseholes

Include my mouth and I've got four

My mother only had one arsehole

But they say Buggering was he game

That's how come I've got three arseholes

And my sister has got the same!

When I was young and still in nappies

My mother she would cry

Cos all day long I'd scream and shout

And fill them up with crappies

Oh I'm a man with three arseholes

Yes I've got three arseholes

I've always had three arseholes

Include my mouth and I've got four

Oh I'm a man with three arseholes

Yes I've got three arseholes

I've always had three arseholes

Include my mouth and I've got four

I thank you and good night.

F.X. : Cheers and claps - fade out.bp

Sketch 4. The trial of Bottle.

Grams : Hearts and Flowers - scratched off!

Copper : Yes M'lud, I do remember the day well

Judge : And what day was that then?

Copper : The day of the crime M'lud

Judge : Oh yes, I forgot.

Copper : I was proceeding down North South Street

Judge : You mean you were walking

Copper : Yes?

Judge : In what way?

Copper : One foot infront of the other

Judge : Is that usual?

Copper : Yes M'lud if you want to move.

Judge : I'm sorry, proceed.

Copper : As I had said, I was walking down the street when

Judge : (singing quietly) I'm forever blowing Bubbles

Copper : M'lud, if you'd be so kind as to shut yer gob!

Judge : What, what, what. Who are you?. What day is it?. Oh, sorry! Go on with

the trial.

Copper : When I came upon this spotty little twerp looking at me.

Judge : You mean you arrested this twit for looking at you?

Copper : Yes but he was looking at me very suspiciously

Judge : Suspicious? As in what?

Copper : He was looking at me through a sight.

Judge : A sight?

Copper : Yes. A very dangerous sight.

Judge : A dangerous sight?

Copper : Yes M'lud, it had a rocket launcher attached to it!

Judge : Oh well, council for the defence?

Defence : (snotty) What dya want?

Judge : You to start.

Defence : In that case, call the first witness

Caller : Call 1st Witness.

GRAMS : Any type of game show/idiot music

Caller : And the first witness is Mr Dan Eccles of East Cheam, London. And

what prize are you going for tonight Mr Eccles?

Eccles : The rice pudding string in brown gravy!

F.X. : Manic cheers

F.X. : Hushed

Defence : Mr Eccles, for the first part of the question, can you tell me if you know

the accused?

Eccles : Yeah I know him!

Defence : And that's the correct answer!

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed

Defence : Now the second part of the question. Where was he when the incident

happened?

Eccles : Owwwww!. The hard ones second eh?. Ee was with me!

Defence : CORRECT!

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed

Defence : And for the rice pudding string in brown gravy, where were you?

Eccles : With Bottle.

Defence : And thats the (pause) CORRECT ANSWER.

F.X. : Manic cheers through out defence & Eccles next bit.

Defence : Mr Dan Eccles, well done, here is your rice pudding string in brown

gravy, but do you want to go on the greedy bastard prize?

Eccles : Fine, fine, fine. Yup!.

F.X. : Even more loony cheers, hushes after a bit.

Defence : Now for the greedy bastard prize, Dan Eccles, can you explain the

function of the cigarette lighter hole in the Citroen 2CV?

F.X. : Clock ticking (10 secs)

Defence : Twenty seconds left...

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs)

Defence : I'll repeat the question, can you explain the function of the cigarette

lighter hole in the Citroen 2CV?

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs)

F.X. : Buzz. Ping.

M.C. : Council for the Prosecution?

Prosecution : There isn't one, it's easier to put the fag through the hole going to the

engine and light it on the wick.

Defence : And that is the CORRECT answer

F.X. : Manic Cheers, dies down.

GRAMS : Game show music plays out.

Judge : Has anyone seen my teeth?

Defence : M'lud, could I ask the policeman a question?

Judge : Mmmmffffllll - weresh me teef?

Defence : Mr Policeman. Could you tell me what you were doing in North South

Street when you should have been walking in a West direction up Down

Street towards Eastway North on the Junction with Towards Backwards

Southdown?

Copper : Yes, I was walking on my beat

Defence : And your beat being?

Copper : Sort of clump clump clump

Defence : Only sort of?

Copper : Well it's a bit hard to do it in this box!

Finbar : Oooerr, snarf snarf yik.

F.X. : Clout. Ambulance. Running in. Running out.

Defence : Well try to.

F.X. : Walking about a bit.

Defence : I see.

Eccles : That's funny, so do I!

F.X. : Clout

Eccles : Ouch. Stop hitting me on the bonce!

Defence : You still haven't answered my question.

Judge : And niffer haf you. Weresh me teef gone?

Defence : Leaving your teeth to one side M'lud

Judge : But you cant leef them ashide iff you hafnt gottem!

Defence : Quite.

Judge : So where are they?

Defence : Try in your mouth.

Judge : Hmmf, errr, hmm, so they are!. Carry on.

Defence : Thank you M'lud.

Judge : Oh come on Fred, blow this M'lud stuff, lets just be formal!

Defence : So what should I call you?

Judge : I think M' should be fine.

Prosecution : I think he's gone!!

Judge : (excited) I heard that, I heard that, I heard that. (quiet) Oh bugger, I've

just wet me nappy. (screams) MUTHA!

Caller : Call for Mutha

Mutha : What's wrong now?

Caller : M'lud called for you.

Mutha : M'lud?. Oh you mean Shirley!.

F.X. : Heavy jogging in.

Mutha : Shirley, what's the matter?

Judge : I've wet my nappy. Waaaaaa!

Mutha : There there there. Mutha will change it for you.

Judge : Go on then!

Mutha : I can't, not with them all looking.

Judge : In that case, time for a commercial.

GRAMS : "END OF PART 1" type jingle

Commercial : Buying a new car, but can't get the money.

Man : Yeah.

Commercia : Then come to Instant Finance PLC Ltd. And for a meagre 47.3% APR

we will lend you up to three thousand pounds subject to clearance. And

that means it doesn't matter who you are. Now what is your name?

Man : John Smith, Shadow chancellor of the exchecor.

Commercial : Oh bum. Sorry matey, no can do!

Man : That's what they all say, but little do they know, I am really

F.X. : Explosion

Man : Niel Kinnock!

Commercial : In that case, no chance!

Niel : Damn!

F.X. : Trudging away.

GRAMS : "PART 2" type jingle

F.X. : Walking out

Judge : That's better. Now where were we?

Defence : Right here I think M'

Judge : So we were!. There's no flies on THIS man!

Defence : Thank you M'. Now back to my question for Mr Police Man. Namely,

why weren't you on your beat.

Copper : The record had stopped

Defence : Which record?

Copper : The one which makes the sound of me walking.

Defence : I see. So how did you come to be spied upon with the sight attached to

the rocket launcher in the first place?

Copper : Well at first it was the fact that the small spotty twit accused hurled a ball

at my helmet.

Defence : And why did he do that?

Copper : To "see if he could win the coconut under the teecosy" - where his exact

words.

Defence : His exact words?

Copper : Yes.

Defence : No erms, eeks or similar wordloss or time filling in words?

Copper : No.

Defence : He didn't even say Nyee Hee?

Copper : No sir, he did not.

Defence : In that case I can only summize that you have been speaking with your

mouth open again and put it to you that you are telling a bit of a

whopper to the court.

Copper : Are you calling me a liar?

Defence : In a word, yes.

Copper : In that case, I shall have no option but to sit in this corner and sulk for

the next half hour.

Judge : No you shan't you silly billy and if you do then I shall be forced to give

you some Cod Liver Oil!!!. Now will the Prosecution please approach the

bench.

F.X. : Chair scrapes, walking - getting louder. Stops. (Quiet Fart? - "JUDGE - Oh excuse

me!"?)

Pros : M'

Judge : M'lud to you peasant!

Pros : Sorry M'lud.

Judge : Do you wish to carry on with this trial?

Pros : Yes M'lud

Judge : And why?

Pros : Cos he pushed me in a puddle - the bully!

Judge : By he, you refer to the Defence?

Pros : Yes M'lud

Judge : Well then you'll have to say Defence as you can't see who you are

talking about on tape!

Pros : Sorry M'lud.

Judge : Okay then, sod off.

F.X. : Walking away. Chair Scrapes, chair groans (wood).

Defence : No further questions M'.

Judge : No further questions?

Defence : Yes.

Judge : Yippee! Council for the Prosecution, your go. (Quieter) Now where is

that blasted Mr Squeaks?

F.X. : Squeak

Judge : (giggles) You naughty Mr Squeaks. Noodles gonna have to niddle you!

Pros : Gone. Gone. The man has gone!

F.X. : 3 Squeaks, chuckles

Pros : Mr Police Man. I put it to you that you are a Policeman of the force.

Copper : Not talking to you!

Pros : Now come on, you can tell me, I'm your friend

Copper : Sure?

Pros : Sure. Now are you a policeman of the force?

Copper : Yes sir.

Pros : And that you are also a human from the planet Earth.

Copper : No.

Pros : I'm sorry

Copper : (Static) I am not a human.

F.X. : Screams

GRAMS : "War of the Worlds" intro

F.X. : Squeaks

Judge : Are you telling me that you are an alien?

Copper : (Strange voice) Yes

Judge : Then all of your evidence must be considered bollocks and therefore

should be taken as truth.

Copper : That's a bit strange!

Judge : True, but it's how its done in Britain.

Pros : So Mr Alien Copper. Were do you come from?

GRAMS : Dr Who Music

Dr Who : Ahhh. My arch enemy, Polgreen. Come on, your going home laddy.

Copper : No I'm not.

Dr Who : Either come quietly or I'll put an Arcturan mega spider down your

trousers!

Copper : Okay, I'm coming

F.X. : Slimey steps walking out. Door shuts

GRAMS : Dr Who Music (fade)

Judge : Now can we get back to some sort of sanity

Pros : Not with you as Judge

Judge : I'm sorry?

Pros : Oh, It's not your fault, your just a bit of an old git who should have been

put to pasture fifty years ago and be made a Lord, so that you can live

out your last few years on that life support system and do some good!

Judge : Are you saying I'm mad?

Pros : In not so many words!

Judge : Alright then, how many words?

Pros : One. Yes.

Judge : Well in that case, (woof) I'm going to have to hang you (grrr woof) and

then smarty smarty smarty peng noowong (ruff ruff)!

F.X. : Swear beeper

Caller : kin hell!. Call the loony bin, he's finally flipped.

Judge : And then I'd release the Belfast Six, make Drink Driving legal, make

joining CND and one of the forces compulsory

Defence : Sounds perfectly fine to me!

Caller : Bloody masons

F.X. : MASSIVE Hush sound!

Caller : Call the new judge.

Caller 2 : The new judge.

Caller 3 : Which new judge?

Caller 2 : Any new judge!.

Caller 3 : Will Judge Numpty do?

Caller 2 : No, too much a git.

Caller 3 : How about Judge Sweatball

Caller 2 : No, he's mad

Caller : Aren't they all!

F.X. : Laughs up & down corridor

Caller 3 : What about Judge Dredd

Caller 2 : No he's a comic character

Caller 3 : Judge Marx?

Caller 2 : Too old.

Caller 3 : Judge Kryptonite?

Caller 2 : Too smelly.

Caller 3 : Judge Rigamortis?

Caller 2 : Too stiff.

Caller : As the actress said to the vicar

F.X. : More laughs up & down corridor.

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Perfect.

Caller 3 : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller : Judge. Hold on, we've got this the wrong way about!. I call the judge

and it goes down the line.

Pause

Caller : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith

Pause

Caller 3 : He's got indigestion

Caller 2 : He's got indigestion

Caller : He's got indi (pause) WHAT!. Oh bum. Court adjurned until tomorrow

when we Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith has got over his indigestion.

Announcer : Will they ever get a judge, will Bottle ever be tried? Will the evidence

from the Alien copper stand?. Find out in the next episode of

GRAMS : Da Da Daaaaa

Announcer : The trial of Bottle.

Bottle : Ere, there wasn't much a part in it for me this time was there?!!

Sketch 5. Barf.

GRAMS : Documentary type music.

Presenter : Tonight on BBC Tonight we are talking to Major Timothy Barf. Good

Evening

Barf : Good huh (dies)

Presenter : Major Barf, I put it to you that you have just kicked the bucket.

Barf : (Silence)

Presenter : Major Barf, are you dead?

Barf : (Silence)

Presenter : Why me? (screams) Will someone get this friggin' stiff off before

someone gives him his own series?!.

GRAMS : Documentary type music fade.

THE END

GRAMS : Mark Summers "Summers Magic"

Credits :

Everything was done by Paul except for the music and sound effects. They were

engineered by Bill Robinson who also produced the work.

There may also have been some other voices on the tape but that could have been

either a malfunction on your part or that there was another voice actually tape recorded.

In which case it was probably Bill and Sue Robinson but it might of been the Queen and

Prince Charles doing damned fine impressions of the said humans.

This has been a very silly piece of work which I have enjoyed doing. Hey, why has my

nose just grown?. Tune in to the next tape when you will hear amongst other things part

2 of "The Trial of Bottle" in which we see the case getting somewhere fast (in reverse!).

Also appearing on the next tape will be Dan Druff, Eva Brick and Willy Take A Check.

So til next time I shall leave you with this thought. (Longish pause)

Thank you.

F.X. : PING!